news

my parents always complain i don't read the newspaper or watch the news.
why should i? when all they show is dead bodies and grieving ppl..
i feel horrible.

all the dead ppl

the whole nus cohort died today.
a friend described as water splashing on ants.
easy to die. fast and efficient.
god's way of birth control....very blasphemic
we are not the fortunate one...the dead are..
cos we still have to face the sick world.
this world is sick. so is everybody.
what are we living for?

post christmas

it's already after christmas...realised i haven't blogged for ten days...which means i haven't been back to school for this long...haha

was watching this chinese tv show on channel 8, when my dad switched to channel 9...they are like showing the same genre of shows...documentary depicting lives of ppl who are obviously tragic and pitiful, evoking guilt (after my dad keeps complaining how lucky i m and how the little girl is so mature in thought), disgust (after i've seen myself still alive and kicking) and hope (looking at how the rest around them are still surviving).

Then a thought dawn on me...why the same genre of shows at the same time from the 2 channels? trying to compete against the tragedy of humanity or the number of cycles of emotional turmoil that churns in the audience? gross.... the shows suddenly don't seem as tragic after all... both channels show what ppl wanna watch. humanity is insane...the more tragic the show is...the more they wanna stuck their noses in. when their noses get scratched...they oozed nonchalance. E.g charity shows...how many have there been? 4 this year rite? (well well, one good thing about merging channels.... less of charity shows!) do they serve their purpose? is the money channelled to ppl like the old granny who sells tissue paper every day late into the night at bb mrt station? no i don't think so. pardon me for being skeptic.... i think the aim of charity shows are not so much for charity than it is for publicity. gross.

went cycling with qijia, cher, cece, ken n wy... took some pictures along the beach. that was blissful. a very blissful day with my friends and beloved. you could have painted a picture perfect until the radio reported the earthquake at sri lanka. what the hell. when ppl were wondering if their relatives and friends are still alive...there i am...thinking about blissfulness. it doesn't take two tv channels to tell u how fortunate u r...being able to eat mac, eat ramen, have fun and be with ur loved ones HAPPILLY! gross...thousands died...thousands...that's like the whole nus arts faculty...imagine coming to school with the whole faculty missing...bcos they are all buried 6 feet underground. gross.

alritey...getting emotional...these few days eating too much...thank god brandon cancelled the steamboat...hai...what's the probability of a human from dying...i should say it's very high...judging from the natural disasters and wars all around the world...so why do we keep lamenting that we are unfortunate from time to time? humans...

malacca (pseudo johore)

woke up early yesterday cos my parents asked me to go malaysia with them...
was happily anticipating a day of shopping and munching in johor...cos that was the place my mom said we would be going..
even the destination on the arrival card was reported johore.

then my dad started saying about the long drive to malacca..
and i was like u gotta be kidding...just go johore and go malacca the next time..
quit talking about it... then my father looked baffled and said then y is he driving towards the second link..
and i happily said u gotta be kidding...and i looked at my mom... and she was like i told u we were going malacca..
then i was like u said johore..and she went...'malacca is not in johore?' stupid bimbo.

the drive was delirious...too long and i hate long journeys!!!
felt like i was on a 'thief ship' (jei chuan)
everything was getting on my nerves because it was a damn long freaking ride...gross

we ate the rice ball chicken rice...it was amazing...the rice ball can bounce! many times actually..
taste was nothing amazing though..haha
then we went to this souvenior shop which i initially refused to go in...cos i tot they only sell the durian kuey..
guess wad...there were so many things inside...
my mom was exclaiming how much we spent on food..when she commented...'even though she (me) claim that i was on the jei chuan...i think it is both of us who got robbed' hahaha.

then my dad was commenting on how i always teh him when i have problems that need his help...how bad my temper is and everything...seriously i do agree with him! hai...but it only happens to both of them...my parents i mean...my temper get so bad around them n i dunno y...hai..feel so bad...

we did managed to shop abit though...went around in about three hours...then another three hours drive back...hai...n got stuck in traffic along the way...lost our way... thanks to my always over-confident dad.

went to buy stuffs for xmas presents! hai...super broke...think this yr's presents will be hard work...hai...shall get started soon...plus i've got so many books to read! hai...

what makes an idol?

was on the way to jp to collect my specs...took 96 to clementi.
went down the bus and i was caught in a shock.
there was someone singing...a voice u'll be momentarily surprised to have seen coming out from a blind woman. she was baskering in the streets...there she goes...singing 'reflections', 'whenever wherever', and many more diva sing alongs.

i could have sworn the singing was good enough to allow one to assume it was coming out of a cd.

she couldn't have been an idol...but her voice certainly does. so there i go...cos i was still early...meekly waiting for the bus juz to hear her sing.

watched 'mona lisa's smile' during dinner...it's wierd that you have got so much time to do anything all of a sudden...wished it would never end. julia roberts wasn't considered much of an idol to the parents' alumni...haa..but to the students yes...she was the idol. she was supposed to be teaching art...in a sense...felt she was teaching sociology...the show is like dead poet's society...less tragic and a little more feminist. hah...both are great films...both depicts heartland idols. but do such heartland idols ever exist anymore? wad about the blind lady? whatever happened to what's pure?

sylvester or taufik? idol? kelly clarkson or ruben studdard? clay aiken? this is what is known of idols nowdays...haha...pretty superficial. have u ever wondered who's ur idol? who u wanna look up to? it's wierd cos i've always wanted to be so many things in my life...from young...a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer, a designer, a journalist, a merchandiser, a homemaker, a volunteer...wonder where will i stand in years' time. would i be any of these? hah. but i've always wanted to make change to where i will be. it's something of an idol...somebody who inspires...who amazes and who has a great big heart! hmmm...will i be that someday? perhaps...in my mind...that's wad makes an idol. hah.

'Reflections'

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, is as if I play a part

Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that i'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think how we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?

fustrations

do i get them? yes i do. but not in ur face! not in anybody's face! u noe why? cos i get fucked when i do that. so guess wad? fuck u all! all ur fustrations vent it on urselves! go fuck somebody else if u have to. quit using it on me.

sometimes u wonder what have u done and guess wad? the only word that comes to my mouth is fuck u. fuck u!!!! fuck fuck fuck...that's how the world works isn't it?
damn.

fuck u...the one who's reading this. anybody who's reading this. quit reading and close the window. i can't write if i know there's ppl reading this. fuck u who reads and react to me accordingly. gross. get out of my life.

i'm just a fucking piece of shit. a pathetic one who's constantly sympathizing myself. do i get a nod? yes i do! from somebody and yes...fuck u too.

what have i been doing?

well...the impulse to that question would be 'nothing'
something which i've accustomed to replying for the past few months..
but i guess there was really something going on these few days..
lemme recap.

mon: wakeboarding
tues: driving and many gatherings
wed: gym, jalan jalan, shopping (not happy shopping)

well well...wakeboarding was fun, driving was exhilarating, and the gatherings were sinful!!! imagine cakes in a sushi conveyor manner, each a spoonful, with an extra serving of creme brulee! not forgetting a cheesy fattening pasta b4 that at prego's. that was juz one gathering. the gathering b4 that was horrible as well. luckily i skipped the birthday cake...haha.

hmm...went shopping with my mom at john little...some members only event. imagine how many members they have. it was so crowded i can barely walked. the queue was so damn long...din even tried on the lingerie i bought. fortunately they fit! hahaha

was waiting for my mom at the taxi stand while she queued for the free gift (a bear with a radio component...duh!), saw many sights along the way. right across me was centrepoint with their magnificent christmas decorations. christmas is coming...my favourite time of the year. strangely speaking...i dun feel very enthusiastic about it at all. wistful if u ask me. that's how i feel. i wish it would never come. i don't wanna spoil christmas.

people were walking past. i saw couples. hand in hand. happily crossing the road. talking to one another. it's an amazing sight. very heartwarming. i see families yakking as they take pictures. i see singles walking along after a hard day's work. the season's mood is everywhere. somehow this year feels wierd. i haven't even started with my gifts...

when ppl smile...do they feel happy? how do u get that happiness back? y won't anyone feel not happy? why do you get angry at ppl who care for u? why do i shout at my mom? why won't ppl accept u the way u r? why do ppl get unhappy? where's the motivation? where's the spirit? why the wistfulness?

wierd week u ask me...i've forgotten how to enjoy the things i used to enjoy doing. it's wierd how u can forget about these. i would love to make gifts but y haven i get started? i'm dreading christmas this year. wish it'll never come.

out of the ordinary thursday

went for my first driving lesson today...
haha...and i drove! i drove!! for the first time in my life..
haha in a circuit...it's pretty exciting!!
looking forward to my next lesson...haha
at first i tot i was pretty scary...but seriously at 20km/hr would be quite sia suay for that right??

was on the bus back to school to meet jj and sihui..
sat beside this ger..
young little girl...and she was damn weird..
i mean can see she has abit of problem..
she used her leg to hit my bag...and started telling her mom she was in pain..
i dozed off in about a while and guess wad..
she woke me up by scratching her ez link card holder on my shoulder and on my hands..
and b4 she got down the bus she happily scratched a few more times and gave me a sly smile..
omg...but anyway think she's abit bonkers...hai..
but lucky i'm in a good mood...bcos of the driving!!!

i msged my dad abt my driving..
guess wad he replied?

daddy: no big deal right?

hai....wad a splash of cold water..
haha

driving...ooh la la...driving ooh la la...driving ooh la la!

i became an ah sam today..
reached my room at about seven plus...started cleaning up..
cleaned my tables, my shelves, stacked books together, got rid of unwanted things...
wash my clothes, wash my bedsheets..
think my mom would be really glad if i actually did all these at home..
hahaha..

well well..
the good news is...
i'll be having my first practical driving on thurs!!!!!!
ooh la la!!!!
so excited!!!! feel like doing the roundabout dance...u noe the one that u clapse ur hands together in a ring then start dancing by circling ur butt?? *jj think u noe wad it is...we did that when we won the table soccer game* hahaha

so excited...my day's pretty planned i think. not that bad for a start..
today: nua abit here n there...read all the driving books
tomorrow: go for driving theory practice...read tha practical book...start xmas preparation
thurs: go for driving practical...then theory evaluation...then meet jj n sihui to sing sing sing..lalala
fri: meet jj to attend the contact lens solution workshop training...go for jean's bday party..

hmm...wad bout sat?? anyone wanna jio me??
hahaha..

so excited about the driving.. *dancing*

hmm...or lalala..

exam completed today..
went for lunch with sze, yun, cui and alice..
it looks like a normal day.

went bbdc..they told me the book still not out yet..
efficiency not that high huh?
wasted trip going down.

ate don pie today..
was going to fly kite with wy...
in the end we made so much changes..
haa...we went ktv instead!
two person singing...kinda farnie.

did a horrible thing today..
we were suppose to take a train back to clementi kbox
we didn't realise we took the wrong one..the north line.
a lady was asking if this line was the right one to go bishan...and we were so blur we actually said NO. she had taken the wrong train and has already missed the interchange stop. it was until wy heard the word somerset then we realise we are the ones who were mistaken. let's hope she's not lost...feel quite bad lei..

so it was ktv at somerset instead clementi...
we went this open hawker stalls beside somerset mrt for dinner..
it was horrible!!!!
the stuffs were so expensive!
imagine the min price is 5 bucks and they tasted alright only..
so silly... total exploitation..
but it was quite bad that wy paid for it..
hahaha

alritey that's my day..
wierd day though...a little lost..haha
suddenly too much time to do everything
dunno which one to start first..
well...anomie again

True

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
I'ts time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak, it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

Dolphins are man's best friend too.

came across this article in straitstimes...very interesting..

Dolphins shield swimmers from shark in NZ
WELLINGTON - A pod of dolphins saved a group of swimmers from a predatory three-metre great white shark off the northern New Zealand coast, a newspaper reported on Tuesday.
The unusual incident occurred on Oct 30 when lifeguard Rob Howes took his 15-year-old daughter Niccy and two of her friends swimming near the town of Whangarei, The Northern Advocate said.
The dolphins, 'started to herd us up, they pushed all four of us together by doing tight circles around us', Mr Howes told the newspaper. When he tried to break away from the protective group, two of the bigger dolphins herded him back, he said.
He then spotted what he described as a three-metre great white shark cruising towards them, but the man-eater was apparently repelled by the ring of dolphins and swam away.
'It was only about two metres away from me, the water was crystal clear and it was as clear as the nose on my face,' he said.
Mr Howes realised what the dolphins were doing: 'They had corralled us up to protect us.'
Another lifeguard, Mr Matt Fleet, on patrol in a lifeboat, saw the dolphins circling the swimmers and slapping their tails on the water to keep them in place. He told the newspaper he also had a clear sighting of the shark.
'Some of the people later on the beach tried to tell me it was just another dolphin but I knew what I saw,' he said.
Ms Ingrid Visser, who has been studying marine mammals for 14 years, told the newspaper that there have been reports from around the world of dolphins protecting swimmers. She said that in this case the dolphins probably sensed the humans were in danger and took action to protect them. -- AP

psychology

having my second paper in like 90 mins time...went through one set of exam paper..
it is definitely enough to make you conclude that the text that you have been studying bounds up to nothing. NOTHING!

it's so damn difficult...wonder what am i studying for??? shall apply some of my knowledge...
the government in singapore hopes education would allow her ppl to learn....that, i would assume a learning goal....they failed to realise because the system is based on achievement...it becomes a performance goal...in the end thru moderation...we learn nothing!!!!

conclusion: university is a total waste of money! arggh! waste of resources (papers that are graded zero!) arggh...this is totally insane..
my mind is so saturated and the horrible thing is...saturation point is still not enough to get correct answers!! argh.

aniwaez as u can see...i'm perfectly fine ppl...except for the horrors associated with exams...and only exams!!!! i have absolutely NO TIME for PARANOIA and DEPRESSION! arggh...failing failing...i am typing incohesively...a very vital trait of schizophrenia...disorganized schizophrenia...one thing i learn in psy too...any other stuff?? hmm...major depressive disorder...hmm...we are now undergoing seasonal affective disorder....to assimilate my schema...would be to say that this season = exams season...gross...so many psy terms...i m really going bonkers!

absolute threshold: the minimun effort needed to feel a stimuli = one past year paper 90 mins b4 the exam is sufficient a stimuli to make u feel worthless.

arggh!

god help me.

That's all

I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own,
For you and you alone.
That's all,That's all.

I can only give you country walks in springtime,
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall,
And a love whose burning light,
Will warm the winter night.
That's all,That's all.

There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love time can never destroy.

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore,
For now and evermore.
That's all,That's all.

a scripture a day to guide your way =)

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never wil I leave you; never will I forsake you."
So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
-Hebrews 13: 5-6

Though all around is darkness,
Earthly joys have flown;
My Savior whispers His promise
Never to leave me alone.

::No matter where you go, God goes with you::

Exams stress

what will exams stress do to ppl??
hmm...in wierd way i'm not getting that stress yet...but i guess many are..
oh no!!! is this ooz of nonchalance also a symptom of exam stress? a desire to cast off everything and just do what i have to do instead of doing it efficiently to achieve what i ought to? confused? yeah...me too..

went to study room early this morn...whole place was 'oh so man' crowded. it was like onli ten o clock. guess wad...saw yun's friend and she offered me a seat...and she was there since 7!!! gross...

there i was trying to concentrate after lunch...until i saw an amazing sight! i've heard about ppl being very 'lak seh' during exams times...but seriously...i didn't quite expect THIS beyond the usual wake up attire, meshed up hairstyles and sleeping face marks! this girl was right in front of me.....digging her nose. yeah...laying tracks on the mrt!! rolling the dirt n flicking it away!!! seriously i would have made sure my window blind was down b4 i did that in my room...haa.. i guess she juz tot no one was looking...looking studious doesn't imply real studying...alrite...i'm talking abt me..

next! peeping tom!!! gross...can u imagine that? one got caught in okr and the next starts its prowl at EA. he was seen looking really stressed up! oh man...looking at boobs make u less stress?? hmm...maybe more blood flows south n the brain gets less activity therefore less stress levels??? hmm...somebody please test the hypothesis!!! gross..would have totally freaked out if it was me!!! i would be rather conscious seriously...wad if he sees and turns away? dat would be so sad! haa

guess wad? i think the exams stress is too great? two silly animals actually locked themselves IN. locked IN. very oxymoronic right? apparently, the two RAs above me actually jammed the latch right in! now that's some news to cause a hoo ha...RAs destroying school property! way to go man! wad a good way to rebel OSA!! haha...u guys are better than eunice!!!!! =P

alritey...so wad's with the exam stress?? i'm still feeling nothing. gross.. but i think my appetite is starting to increase and my legs can't seem to start the running pace...which is the reason y i'm sitting more than usual. but wait...isn't tat because i studied too much?? haa..good n bad in both sense ya? hai...i think this sem is gonna flung man...

Damned!

What should I do? How Should I react? Do I have to keep smiling? Or show the anger that manifests? Do I know how to love? Should I continue? Do I know what I want? Do I know what anybody wants? What is wrong? Everything is wrong? Am I making myself crazy? Am i stupid or what? Am I silly? So many facts. So many things done. How can this kinda thing happen? Can I be forgiving enough? Will we be the same? Will it happen again? Can i die?

Please stop!

stop everything!!! just stop everything!
i don't wanna go out. i don't wanna talk.
stop asking me to eat. stop asking me out. stop making me tok. stop touching me. stop saying hi. stop buying me food. stop buying me things. stop giving me money. stop smiling at me. stop trying. stop trying to do everything. i don't want anything. let me be alone! i want to be alone! i want to stay alone! i just want to be in my room. don't do anything. please stop. just stop. don't hug me. don't hold me. don't ask me anything. don't contact me. stop having to do anything with me. i just want everything to stop. everybody please stop. i want to be alone. stop obliging. stop agreeing. stop everything. stop trying to smile when u don't want to. stop lying. stop behaving like a clown. i feel like the clown. stop all the stupid lies. stop the care. stop the concern. i hate it.
pretend i don't exist. pretend i'm not around. pretend there's no such person. pretend i'm non-existent. pretend i don't stay in sch. pretend i'm uncontactable. pretend i'm dead.
i want to sleep. i miss sleeping. why can't i sleep? i want the thoughts to stop. i want everything to stop. i want to rest. i'm very tired. i don't want to smile. i don't want to act like a clown. i don't want to be a burden. i don't want to laugh. i don't want to cry. i don't want to frown. i just want to be alone. please please leave me alone. everyone. no-one. anybody.

Disappointments!

Gross....one resident sent me a mail titled disappointment!
can u imagine that? I should be the one to tell them that.

What good are reminder notices and emails when ppl simply don't heed them? What good are well-educated varsity students who don't even spare a thought for others around them? Seriously what have we achieved from education except probably an increase in knowledge?? What about an upgrade in morals? I think this is the failure of education. Oh man... Study until so smart for wad? Heart still as black.

Imagine residents who simply refuse to use the filter when they wash the dishes. Imagine the clogs every once in a few days. Imagine residents who used the filter but refuse to empty it. Imagine residents who leave unwash dishes in the cupboards. Imagine residents who uses other ppl's stuffs without asking. Imagine residents who spills foodstuffs in the pantry and refuse to clean them up. What is this place?? A hotel or a hostel?? U think there are cleaners here round the clock?? U think Auntie Anna and Uncle Simon are responsible to clean the shit after u??? Oh man...u think u pay enough for them to do such shitty work???

Why can't ppl juz spare a thought for one another? Why can't ppl juz live life normal? Why can't ppl juz treat hostel as ur own home?? Do u mess up your home lidat? Gross. Humans are really selfish. Whatever happen to the fairy tale world we were brought up to believe in? Evil ppl gets their just desserts, but it doesn't happen in the real world! I hate this man.

Sometimes i really wish ppl would live in harmony. That would mean no wars right? Isn't that great? But simple things like this cannot be achieve how could one think of greater aims? Gross.
Where have our basic human nature gone to? What about consideration for others? Love your neighbour as yourself? Isn't that one of the commandments?

Sometimes I wish the residents could juz read this. Let them know how much inconveniences they are causing. Nothing can be done if they do not at least be considerate. How can I make them understand that? Seriously I'm not sure the answer myself.

I know who holds tomorrow =)

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
And I don't borrow from the sunshine
'Cause the skies might turn to grey.

And I don't worry about the future,
'Cause I know what Jesus said,
And today I'm gonna walk right beside him
'Cause he's the one who knows what is ahead.

There are things about tomorrow
That I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

And each step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb.
And every burden is getting lighter
And all the clouds, their silver line.

And, I'll bet the sun it's always shining
And no tears will ever dim the eye
And the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains, they touch the sky.

yesterday once more

When I was young I'd listen to the radio
Waiting for my favorite songs
When they played I'd sing along
It made me smile

Those were such happy times
And not so long ago
How I wondered where they'd gone
But they're back again
Just like a long lost friend
All the songs I loved so well

Every Sha-la-la-la
Every Wo-wo-wo
Still shines
Every shing-a-ling-a-ling
That they started to sing
So fine

When they get to the part
Where he's breakin' her heart
It can really make me cry
Just like before
It's yesterday once more

Looking back on how it was
In years gone by
And the good times that I had
Makes today seem rather sad
So much has changed

It was songs of love that
I would sing to then
And I'd memorize each word
Those old melodies S
till sound so good to me
As they melt the years away

will i sing this again? i don't think so.

pause

life went on a standstill two days after my last entry.
i don't update my blog anymore.
i write in my book, my beetlebug book.
many secrets that i write....things some may know...some others may not know.
which i intend to keep a secret.

my life has changed...haa..whether i like it anot.
but yeah..thanks to those friends who have been around...i feel really blessed
really...such a blessing hard to come.
you know who u r ppl =)

i dunno wad's gonna come...m i gonna be happy or sad? or rather none at all..
but i take this as a time to find myself back..
it'll be hard...but i can manage =)
**remember my essay??? haha...alot of determination right??
yesyes...i'm alone but yeah i can manage...so please don't worry!!!!!
i feel bad if u ppl worry!!!!! arggh...i don't like to make ppl worry one =)
i'm not stopping sisters...the title of the blog is pause...i'm juz pausing..haa

there are many things which i really wanna say...but i really dunno how to tell u..
i'm not sure if u are reading this..but yeah...god will guide...for the better =)

Faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1

This was part of the scripture for today. really glad i went for service...amazingly alone. haha
the person leading the praise was talking about casting your burdens to god...and it was amazing that she seems to understand everything. sometimes god speaks through ppl when u dun have ears to listen.

was really touched by what she said...she was touched too. she had to control her tears as she was leading. then in front of me i saw a girl passing a packet of tissue paper to the friend beside her. it is true that everyone has burdens...all ages and at all times. so y not cast to him who can guide u thru?

he guided everything thru. yes he did. i wanna walk by faith n live by faith each day. because however things turn out...it's always for the best.

i have to keep telling myself that. there are testimonies everywhere so why am i doubting still? sometimes u juz live a day by a day. it's kinda scary but i guess even i have faith...it takes time to adapt right?

God will make a way where there seems to be no way. he works in ways we cannot see, he will make a way for me. he will be my guide, hold me closely to his side. with love and strength for each new day. he will make a way. he will make a way.

i shall have faith in him.

stay happy

i wanna stay happy..
how u say?
it's not ez...would be if things weren't like this..
so i guess adaptation is the only answer..

how again u ask?
i have my own means.
keeping it a secret of cos.

i'm still waiting though
for the guy to sing this song to me.

horror horror!~

gers! i believe we are officially insane!
it's 115 in the morning on a friday morning and we are still messing around with our blogskins!!!
omg! it's bad for the exams..hehe

aniwaez how's the blog skin?? comments comments??
i realise there's no comment column now..but wad the heck! there's a tag box so juz make do with it!

i realise i like html quote!
i m a genius!

21 oct 2004

i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.

this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

and i said i've gotta be honest
i've been waiting for you all my life.
for so long i thought i was asylum bound,
but just seeing you makes me think twice.
and being with you here makes me sane,
i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side.

you've got wits...you've got looks,
you've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?
tonight.
tonight.

when life becomes a dread

a friend told me that he wants to give up everything..
because life is no longer under his control.
he is controlled by his friends, family, gf and studies.
he doesn't feel the happiness anymore.

the only time he feels happy is when he's alone.
that's the only time no outside factors can harm him.
harm u say...cos life is no longer his but it belongs to others.

he doesn't believe in saying no to others...
his life is always helping others around him..
much to the degree that he forsakes himself..
to him...you will not be able to do what you want in life..
because that'll cause others to be disappointed.

but i think he doesn't realise this..
having a life that he is happy with doesn't make the others any sadder..
the others will be happy for u juz for the fact that u r happy..
still there are others who couldn't care less..
because their lives go on the same.

it is true that to give would entails a take..
but the giving cannot be coming from the same person..
if that's the case..whatever will happen to the rest?
and what is going to happen to the one who always gives?

the giver becomes the dreaded..
because he no longer lives a life for himself but for others.
he no longer chooses what he likes but what others like.
this is a life no longer of a human.
he'll see life at the deepest trench man ever dug

but life is suppose to be beautiful
to give up everything would be a lose lose situation
because u gave up even the beautiful part of life

to say to put self before others may be selfish..
but come to think of it..
there should be a balance somewhere or another..
i'm sure others wouldn't want to see u live a life like this as well..

sometimes freedom can be chosen..
u juz have to make an effort.
consequences may be drastic
but behind every ending..
there will always entail a beginning.

countdown to stupidity

gross...failed my econs test..
think this is the first of all failures for the next few weeks..
psychology shd come after that.
then all the various essays..
gross.
wad the hell..
this sem is a goner

one goes free and the other waits

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember till you're home again
You belong to me.


Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. =)

rainbows and butterflies

they do exist. they make things beautiful. are they always there you say? yes
they are around us, but we just choose not to look out for them.
sometimes rainbows and butterflies don't happen to us, but to people around us. feeling happy for them makes life beautiful.

buddy sent me a card!!! very sweet =) but too bad cannot keep..
http://ecardview.hallmark.com/hmk/Website/greeting.jsp?bae=3&mailID=BAE_ECARD_Order&id=EG5146-017477-12295159&userID=0

haa...think my dad dotes on me...he drove me back just now after i 'teh' him..hahaha..shall ask him go for dinner this week. he asked me to bring tennis racket back to hall too!! haa

sometimes i think gers bitch too much... so weird..we know that we bitch too much but we juz can't shut our mouths!! haha... but can't be blamed...we are by nature more emotional...problems must be solved! maybe the guys can help us abit and try to accomodate?? we DO feel bad after bitching. really! sometimes the woman is bitching...but underlying she may juz be saying 'i feel so insecure...why don't u juz gimme a hug?' hmm...no wonder they say women don't say what they think..

btw...buddy got a gf! so excited for him! but i think i'm still one of the most impt ger in his life la..rite bud?? =)

and you thought...

ten years before i dreamed of so many things..
i wanted to be a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a journalist, a photographer and a fashion designer.
i thought a hundred thousand was a damn lot of money...look at all the millionaire shows now man.
i believed my parents will never age.
i'll be in university doing a specialized course.
i'll still be as happy as before.
i believed a wonderland world will always exist.
i found the man i wanna marry.

who is to know all these will change after ten years. maybe some don't change but look at the twists and turns to get to where we are.

life was simplified. why did i ever said i wanna grow up?

life then was just love, happiness and kindess. everything was like heaven. everything seemed perfect.

i slept real late yesterday...just didn't want the day to end. love it so much. sometimes you ask why hold on to the past? cos u were happier then right? but man must look forward...make the best of your life in the future. problem is no matter how much you try...things just don't become better.

i'm scared of the future. because it's only ten years down the road where u realise ur life is leading nowhere.

that's a sad sad life. am i too childish to want to hold back the purity of being young?

despite that, i'll still want to cherish the pureness of youth. "the running boy is inside every man, no matter how old he gets"

i'm not depressed today...just very stoned. i'm not feeling anything...neither happy or sad...neither good nor bad. just basically waiting for something to happen. happiness maybe. neutral zone makes you anomic.

worry makes people old. i am getting old.

a silver lining beneath the dark clouds

paranoia is killing me.
killing as in literally killing...really wish i were dead...
not the process of being killed...but drop dead..and just that.

why...cos i can't take the pain.
rationality is not inside me anymore.
is it his fault? nope!
just my own. sometimes i think i inherit some things from my brother.
sometimes u just wish u were never born..

i wanna run away...but at the same time i can't
don't mistook that i am pessimistic...
i'm not...at least not today... i actually smiled today..
many times really.

i met a junjie for lunch..nice of him to ask me out for a meal
i met jien during research participant...haven seen him in ages..
god made known to me his prescence then. hard to explain but yeah..i know u r there.
n jeanette went to the bazaar with me.

throughout these periods...alice n jj were constantly around.. day n nite..candies and crying shoulders...
not forgetting ppl like qijia n bran.. who tried to ask about me now n then..
n buddie...for not asking anything but offered a refuge =)

for eddie n eric for their smiles and concern along the way...
for aunt florence who just seem to send the right sms at the right time...
wy who's totally exhausted and still hanging there...i hope i can finally understand...
mommy for not asking anything although she knew i was bothered...
and daddy who actually remembered i wanted to buy biotherm's abdo choc!
it's not the gift that i'm happy about...it's the thought of him remembering..
drives me crazy!
i love my dad to sms me...cos i think he juz can't stand me growing up sometimes.
and being away from him too...

so many horrible days and it's so wierd that there are so many happy things around and i was too upset to be aware..wad is wrong with me?

jj was right when she said "think about the rest who are around you..."
that made sense!

i cried everyday for the past few weeks..including today...but today is different..not tears of sorrow but tears of joy!

i'm really happy.
today is a good day and i don't want it to end

poll

what would a guy do if a girl says she can wait?

things i would say to myself

u r stupid...just plain stupid..
pathetic loser who is simply trying to hard.
freaking hell juz plain stupid..
who doesn't know wad the hell is happening
damn fat and short...gross
i hate everything about u..
always pretending this n tat...
but the truth is u're just too stupid to turn ur head in the direction of truth
u r lazy, incompetent and definitely incapable.
u get demoralised and u juz lie there n cry.
u r a waste in all the 21 years..
u r nothing but a pathetic loser who is juz purely stupid and nothing else
there isn't even a scum of faith which can be found in a person like u.
u claim to be good when u r juz so plain evil.
i hate u i hate u i hate
fucking walking stupid.

My happy ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

get a life ger...
get a life...

wednesday

i never like wednesday, dunno y
but i like tuesday and thursday and saturday...hates the rest.

think i'm becoming irritating...trying not to but yeah..
juz plain o' irritatin zy
this pathetic, irritating loser!
hate who i am, what i'm doing..
where's the girl i once was?
is this wad womanhood feels like?

i love..
the wind against my face,
the crackles of fire that dances against the dark,
the stars in the sky,
the sand beneath my toes,
the cool spring water running through my feet.

i love to..
draw,
be hugged,
be doted on,
laugh,
dance,
play.

i hate...
liars, anger, sadness and disappointment.

not sure why i'm telling this..
i just want to go back to the past.

was jogging juz now and i met kenneth n qijia..
felt so happy to see them.
two people whom i've known in sports club...two amazing ppl.
one is a great partner and another a doting brother...haha
sometimes u wish u could go back when u were happier...
when u play whose line in the middle of the night laffing like no others' business
when the girls would gather juz to yak their way thru the night.

those were the times..
very recent i should say.
getting irritating i think..
hate this man.

i miss daddy.

humans

saw a cat at my level..
surprise surprise...how did it manage to reach the 10th floor?
it's perched up on a thrown-away cupboard..
meowing for help.

went home n got it milk...told my mom i saw a cat outside with enthusiasm.
she said juz leave it alone and close the door b4 it comes in.
i went out anyway.
dad came back from jogging. reprimanded that i had offered it food.
i said it was hungry and was asking for help. he said it'll only follow us back.

whatever happened to kindness?

i'm confident my bro will bring it home if he sees it. n he's like the worst person i've ever known.

does the world hides traits that we are suppose to portray? that's so sad.

felt like crying for the cat. totally depressing. it's a half grown cat, or rather an older kitten. so thin n frail...

depressing days are everyday. there will be times where u juz stare and think of nothing else. apologising here isn't the solution. i feel sad for everybody. everyone except me. i feel so extra.

think he's gonna flare if i ask anymore questions. but i guess it's human nature to be curious. but i guessed i ask too much. becoming an irritant. i feel like someone recuperating...all the sudden attention at all the needs, the tolerance which would otherwise not have been tolerated for things that were done previously.

gross

i think i failed.

a relationship is really weird.
a few night of insomnia and nightmares to realise juz how right i was.
sometimes i wish i weren't this accurate.
why can't i be wrong.

when a partner falls for another
the heart is shared by two person.
it's like sharing a bunk...when someone u dunno barges in and messes ur pte life
things get hazy.
it gets abit of getting used to, that the room is no longer urs alone.

when the person leaves, it doesn't solves anything.
because u were made to share the room with her b4.
gross.

she said 我加上你两个人并不等于我们
i said i wanna wake up from this nightmare, only to find that the nightmare is the reality.
he said nothing.

i never felt a heartache this deep. think i lost something really important to me.
qijia said i would break if he would ever leave me, he's so right. why can't he be wrong? why can't i be wrong? why is everyone wrong?

i can forget. i told him i can forget. used to gloat at gers who does that. but i can't help staring into space everytime i'm alone. i'm like in my own world. truth is i cannot forget. not his fault, but mine.

the heartache is killing me. we pretended nothing happened. i cannot forget. i can't stop crying. i feel so drained out. i can't sleep. i want to go back to the past. i can't share him with other ppl. i feel for the ger. i go crazy when i'm alone. i don't want to feel this way. what did i do wrong? what went wrong?

wrecked. everything.

interesting

check out this webbie..quite entertaining..
haa...shall go for a jog again..
so wierd...getting more n more tired of jogging ar...
keep running same places get bored lei..

so was it a mind thing or is it actaully a physical thing?

insecurity

think i am feeling like this.
not sure why.
or maybe i do but i'm juzt not telling.

it feels like defeat.
it has the taste of failure,
and certainly smelt like disappointment.

it means something's gonna be taken away.
and it also means that nothing new is coming along.
it is same and different oxymoronically.

i can tell u one thing is for sure.
it doesn't feel good.
time will tell if the future is bleak or promising,
and patience will only lengthen the dread.
hastiness then? i guess it leads nowhere.

time is not on my side.
in fact, almost nothing is.
except a few.
the uncertainty. the lost and of course, the insecurity.

"great day" part 2...the apocalypse

not sure how to describe
totally bad...

gross

"great day"

yeah...woke up late today again..
supposed to run but didn't.
came back this morning at about 5...actually went to eat n ktv with jj, zhenwei and sc..
haa...amazing..
realli amused when jj commented that our life is back on the go..

went shopping with my mom and bought quite abit of lingerie..
stoopid washing machine in hall spoiling all my inner beauty..gross
was helping my mom carry her 'inner beauty' when it dropped without me knowing it..
was searching through the whole of metro looking for it...cos it was the last piece!
imagine wad shit i got from my mom...and come on...it's not like it's the first time buying that same design n same color??? she has loads of the same thing. she was grumbling as she was forced to take another one...hey...the new one is juz one shade lighter than the previous..OMG!

went to try out clothes and realised i've grown huge overnight man...totally huge...everywhere getting big...could it be auntie's visiting??? hmm...maybe water retention mar...hai...think i juz need to run more man...

went to fetch daddy and guess wad he didn't get me my biotherm abdo choc! i shall buy it tom then...since his money is still with me..

amazing thing happening to day i guess...other than the scouting for bra around metro..i realised i forgot to zip my pants all the way man...maybe from zara i think...last place i put on another pants...gross..
heng heng got my bag to cover...and lucky not wearing any bright hot pink undies...would have looked ridiculous against the green pants ...haha

juz watched taegukhi again...this time on dvd...wah liew...cry until like fountain...beginning cry like shit already.. gross...but real sad...then come to think about it...why the heck m i at home on sat alone...again..(mom n dad went for a stoopid wedding dinner...refused to go after she said i became rounder..!) and typing my blog...guess i juz dun have anybody to tell my day too..haha...but i guess i dun have the habit of telling too..

yeah...not like i've not tried i think...hmmm...mom kept asking me if she has to buy breakfast for wy...think she noe sumthing from somebody...shd be my aunt...where's the privacy man??? i asked her if she confirm wy gonna be her son in law...almost every week asking if he's staying over...oh man...then she replied...so u wan (him to be ur husband/my son in law)? gross

not sure if he remembers today...guess this is the worst monthsary ever... it's like 45 mths?? going to 4 years huh? hmm...
dunno lar...cant be bothered already

consternation

seriously why do ppl have relationships when they can't afford the time?

that comes into another question...why do we need a relationship for?
marriage maybe?

then wad's the point of continuing when one is bz enough even without a relationship.
therefore would it be better to start at a later age? then again, u'll realise the person might not be the one that u've always wanted. n the worse case is wad if the person is the one in front of you right now? but what if he isn't the one at all?

is it true that if one can live without another for a period of time, life will juz continue? or maybe that will be a regret all ur life? or perhaps u could juz be left on the shelf if u lose this one?

pessimistic u say. yeah i agree. but i feel i'm dealing with it in an optimistic way. come on...it's not like i've been crying for days. wierd in a sense...no tears! how amazing is that?

so is it time to move on? or is this juz a phase that all couples will go through once in a while. but y do i feel it's different this time? no tears no anger...tat's a hot issue man!

no anger...but there is great disappointment. so much that i find there is no need for me to say anything. nothing. niente. nitchs.

why should i desert my life juz for a relationship. isn't that suppose to be mutual if there was justification for that? why shd i be the one sitting sulkily at home alone? why shd i discard wadever friendships i have juz because i ought to? why shd i be the one being condemned when u shd be the one quitting the goody image? what have i missed?

n the waiting...why am i always waiting? do u actually have to wait for me to be ready? do i deserve this?

i guessed i shd have bitched this out long ago b4 now. isn't it too late? a few yrs already rite? well, but then again...there will always be justifications for wad u did...cos i realised no matter how much i feel...it won't ever be compared to urs. says who u ask? says u and everybody else.

so guess wad? i'm finally gonna shut up and get my life back!

???

it's interesting to ask why u have a blog when nobody reads it.
hence the question to ask is
1) do u blog cos u want ppl to know what is happening in your life?
2) or do u blog cos u found no other mediums to bitch about your life, and in that case, what happens if the person u r bitching about reads it?
3) or do i blog cos i juz find writing abit tedious..

hmm....but it's amazing how some ppl reads it and some don't right? i hope you get what i mean..

gross

would love to bitch but ya...life won't change much...everything will still be the same..

well...even i bitch doesn't that makes me the bad guy??

world is confusing don't u think?

reader: ya confused rite?

found!!!

hahaha...my purse is found!
so happy... there are kind souls around man!
hahaha...

nonid to pay money for matric card n keys n debit card!
lalala..

i have a 4th resolution!
4) to get a life! hang out with friends more!

yeah yeah yeah

D-day (Darn day!)

Gross gross gross..
first thing....lost my wallet...
second thing...granny hospitalised..
third..
my boxing glove is spoilt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bought it from korea...and it's spoilt!

arggh...how bad can the day get..
wallet lost..
gross....
darn day...

everything going haywire..
n did i say when i tried to sneak back to my room from the toilet after bathing..
a guy walked right outside the corridor??
n me wrapped in onli a towel..
arggh..

sianz..
hope tom will be better

Hmmm...

So wierd..
watched three tv shows in a row...haven't had that much tv inside my head in a long long time..

first was a drama...second is the slimming show...then caught a glimpse of true courage..
haha...got a few resolutions today...
it's really wierd how the ppl on tv make slimming such an easy process
qn is...is it that ez? or is it real diff

hmm...wad's my prob then??
think first thing i shd learn is to control..
control my spending...control wad i eat...control how i plan my time..
yeah...these are the resolutions..
wad do i want???

1. spend less money : 15 bucks on grocery each week!
2. slim down healthily: no fad diets...eat!!! but small meals each day. n run!!!!
3. plan my time wisely: mugger life! here i come...that includes sleep early too!

yupz..
think i shd write them down in case i wake up the next morning and forgets everything..
short term memory loss..
keep forgetting that i'm actually quite full u see..
that's the problem!

alritey shall go write them down now...the new zee life starts now!

Zeenie...part 2 :the aftermath

woah...woke up like 1 pm today..!!!!
1 pm...half a day wasted...got back at 6 am this morn..
gross...

the costume was nice...yes...i've got good taste..
but the body isn't...yes ...i've got a big taste...
worst of all...the makeup was horrible..
pics look real bad man...real bad.

gross...there goes my last ball!
the horrible one..
think i onli looked good last year ar...at least i looked slimmer in the photos..
gross..

shall go exercies man...run run run..
wish i have the motivation...now's like onli once a week!!!
and a freaking 6 rounds only!!!
oh man..

gross day...every sat is a hermit day man...
wish i could juz go out n have fun...

Zeenie...part 1

oh lala...
got my costume..
guess not going as a japo cha bor after all..
got an arabian costume...did some modifications.. (note: no middriff...too fat!!!!)
but the hair's abit too short dun ya think..??
shall go as funky arabian genie then..
haii...

the start of an uncomfortable, hideous and awful night!

Queen Zee!!!!

Haha...decided to use the title as a new nick...since I'm like always called Zee and there's the habit of opening the door and say 'hail the queen' whenever i step into sports club room!!!
haa...well...those were the days...

agm's over and I'm no longer a sport clubian i guess...kinda nostalgic though...wish it was still a year ago...miss sports camp suddenly...when i was doing the RHAPS....then when we were in the club room goofing around...esp in the early hours...haiz..."whose line" man..

went to classes today...took some time and went for an orchestra performance...it's really good seriously...shall go next wed again...since there's always a break in between....time to cultured up myself..

now that clubian days are over...time to do sumthing for myself...hm...draw??? design??? music???
haa...guess shall touch on all fields...but first...think i'm late for meeting...
haha...

update again!!!
exciting day ahead!

Hmmm...

Isn't is amazing how much people change over the years?
Or how much we actually don't change?

This is already my third year in NUS, and frankly speaking I think I still behave like I did in year 1. But somehow I'm not sure if the others felt I changed. Well, my enthusiasm did died down abit...unfortunately...and my character i guess is somewhat molded after sports club and sports camp. But seriously do hope that I'm still the person I used to be. I mean the positive side lar...negative side of cos must change.

Saw this guy walking past me juz now. Used to think he was extremely broken wrist although he looked tall and mature. When he was a freshie he looked like a freshie, then now he looked so senior you know. Kinda like the sissy-ness all gone with the years of academia torture in NUS. So wierd.

Next I saw another girl, same year. Funnily, she looked year 1 still. This is so wierd.

I wonder how I look to the rest?

Realise I don't crap as much. I'm so like serious now which I totally hate. But i guess the world forces you to be serious about stuffs as you grow older. (wanted to use the word 'aged', but I guess 21 is still too early rite?? rite??) I wish I don't have to grow old. But I vividly remembered wanting to grow up when I was younger and my mom would just gloat at me. She was evil then, but now she's not. haha.

I wish to be daddy's girl all the time. Don't want anything to change really. But daddy's growing old and his girl don't want to grow up. That's the problem!

I guess it's this fear of what if.
What if I won't be as successful as my parents.
What if they just leave me in a few years time.
What if I can't find a job.
What if my job is dead and boring.
What if I married the wrong guy.
What if I'm not happy.
What if I can't bear kids.

Not very duh questions I should say. They are facets of life. Staring straight at me man. This is totally grossed out.

Yeah what to do. Guess it's just part of growing up. Erm...they used to call that adolescent. Pretty late for me right?

can't seem to get started on work..
brain is super malfunctioning..
very slow to get things in
and sad to say they are limited in quantity..

are the texts too hard or is my brain aging??
gross...

realise i dun feel like doing anything..
juz wanna sleep thru everything..
not a care in this world..
work is definitly not wad i wanna do now..

wanna go home n watch tv all day long..
draw and paint and cook
make crafts and play sports..
but not when work is piling up..
when there's a bloody test next week..
and the elections this coming week...
gross

whole weekend will be wasted...
did i mention my work is pling up???
i wanna go home!!!
but tom got soccer training...argggh...was looking forward to it
hai...

life is gross

sunday

i woke up in my hostel on a sunday...
and u noe y...
yeah yeah...on duty...

been slacking these few days really..
i mean academically...
have been bzing around with the bbq n stuffs..
haven had time for revision..
and my readings are piling up..
man...this is getting bad..
feel like another slackey day lei...

haven been going home this weekend...
think my parents are going to kill me..
hai...hope everything is still ok..
i miss them abit really..
so wierd....

will be meeting wy for a play later..
hope shark is able to accomodate..
if cannot then die le..
hai...

ok la...gotta go make myself bz already...
very broke...gross
where did the money go????

Hahaha

finally did my painting..
but think it looks horrible..
hope wy will like his surprise though..
hmm...
budding artist in the making..
well..
it probably looks like crap
see see see!!!


and my 'work table'!!!


haha....so excited...dunno wad he'll say..
decide to paint more next time..
must improve!!!

btw went for the experiment today..
hai...finally know wad gays feel man..
so pain..
think my arsehole so much bigger...
wad if gravity becomes too strong and shit juz falls thru?
well...all for 200 bucks

beggars cant choose rite..
hai..time for bed...tschuss

n wash up of work table....

sms
from a friend whom i haven't seen in ages....

john(8:32) : where are you sitting?
zy (1200): opps...paiseh...forgot to bring mobile juz saw your msg..
join (12:28): ya, is ok. I saw you ah. Getting fatter le, get your diet back! Ha
zy (12:29): haha

what a way to start a conversation man...or should i say he juz ended it?
Gross

she loves you

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

You think you've lost your love
Well, I saw her yesterday-yi-yay
It's you she's thinking of
And she told me what to say-yi-yay

She says she loves you
and you know that can't be bad
Yes, she loves you
and you know you should be glad

She said you hurt her so
She almost lost her mind
And now she says she knows
You're not the hurting kind

She says she loves you
and you know that can't be bad
Yes, she loves you
and you know you should be glad

Oo, she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
And with a love like that
You know you should be glad

You know it's up to you
I think it's only fair
Pride can hurt you too
Apologize to her

Because she loves you
and you know that can't be bad
Yes, she loves you
and you know you should be glad

Oo, she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
And with a love like that
You know you should be glad

And with a love like that
you know you should be glad
*************************
backbeat...

all grown up
Sunday 22/08/04
11:58pm

went to my granny's place today..
been a while since i went there..
went to church at the old place too..
haha...surprisingly they still remembered me.

decided to spend quality time with my little cousins..
not sure when was the last time i actually played with them..
the old routine was...go granny's place...have lunch...play with cousins...
think ever since ning's death i stopped somehow..
it became...lunch, sleep, and gone.

the little kiddies have all grown up..
think the last time i remembered looking at them feeling elated was at my birthday in march..
and i didn't even played with them...haa.

first leader of the pack was gin aka "look wad i have"
then was sheanne..aka..."big sister big"
then comes to ziqin...aka..."touch me and i'll @#$^&%!"
next is little keanne..aka..."lost kid"
then the littlest one...zidane....aka "food!" aka "ooh...time to play!"

i used to be the leader of the pack too...until i grew up...
i was the 2nd generation...now is they are the third...
hai..the 2nd generation are all grown up...but i dun feel any much elder.
my aunt (in law) was commenting the first time she saw me i was like them now..
like doing girly stuffs and colouring...which i was helping them
then she said and suddenly i grew up..
started giving me a massage and ask me to relax..
wierd feeling... felt abit of nostalgia though...good n bad at the same time

then all the kids came and we had our share of fun...
jumping onto one another and little zidane came over as well..
not knowing wad he was getting in to..
until he rolled down the bed..
glad he wasn't hurt though and everybody started cracking up..
and me like a little kid =)

my monkey cousin vernon (2nd generation) joined us as well...
haha...he made me love boys really..
we fight together all the time..
but it was friendly..
although we get bruises all the time..
but laughters too!

not sure why i'm writing them down..
but i guess in a few years time...i'll really see them in a different light..
they'll be grown up and soon to be like me..
hmm..that'll really be sad..
cos they will lose that fun they used to have like what they had today..

sometimes i wish if ning was here things would be so much easier..
maybe nothing would be change...but i guess it did
and the scar remains..
it has been 3 years..
really long... not sure how it would be if she was here right now...
think she'll be really happy if she was at my birthday party..
her fav color was pink...and i used to diss her for being so girly
haha

yupz...maybe the reason sometimes i'm shunning from my family is because something was amiss..
but i guess i still managed to retained that back...now that there's little zidane...i guess things aren't so bad for their family... yup...that's all i wanted to say...shall post their pics around if i can find them though...but think i only have qin's pic though...haha...pretty ger i must say...fiery hair and temper..haha

alrite time to sleep..
long week ahead..
taa

poof

finally finished one chapter of the psy text book.
can realli drive ppl crazy man...i'm like counting down to the last page lor.

sometimes i wonder what it feels like to disappear..
being invisible and just standing around watching ppl..
i'm sure it'll be quite fulfilling...haa
to see ppl in different light.

hmm...it's actually quite a boring day though..
went swimming in the morning..
very determined to learn freestyle..
but feel like struggling inside the water rather than swim.

tick tock..
two mins to two..
bed time soon.
but not tired..
shall rest and hang around though
tatata

trimmed...

went for a haircut today..
very nomalised now..
think after a month i'll look exactly like any mom, mick , marry..
hai..

got a surprise from wy today..
he gave me my first ever soccer ball!!!
haha
so exciting..
shall try juggling them n kicking them as soon as my ankle is healed..
haha

went swimming today..
asked everyone to go but kenna rejected
so stress to swim in src pool..
took off my clothes n jumped in the pool asap

hai...a boring day realli..
something wrong with the claims
m getting worried already..

pay it forward

haha...decided to do a good deed today
went to the csc 'grant a wish' booth and decided to buy a kid a pair of school shoes..

went jp to meet wy after school..
think he like look so much bigger since i last saw him..

yupz..bought the kid us masters shoes..
haha...the one i used to wear in the past.
it's amazing how times flies.
all these years passing by me...think i can remember something significant at every age i think..
haha...

ok doks...shall go take a nap now..
really slack...no good..the readings are killing me btw..

went to swim today...lifeguard told me that my hands are swimming the wrong way...will try to improve tomorrow...realise i do like swimming
haha..saw a synchro swimming smiley...damn farnie ===>

tomorrow shall go cut my hair...will go from to someone more demure..
hopefully it wont become
tat will be so arrggh..
aniwaez...think i better take some pic of my hair now to leave some memories..
haha

okok..enough crap..gotta go

miss spongebob

damn tired..
slept throughout the lectures today..
by the time i got to the bazaar i was half dead.
still had to trudge back to hall to nap.
didn't had a good sleep either.

wierd day..
shall not say anything about it.
just a pure wierd day.
never felt this way b4 and frankly speaking i hate it.
i hate it i hate it.

let's just hope everything will pass.
not sure what i want too.
gross...what the hell is happening...
not a nice feeling though

not able to stay positive
as much as i want to
trying to keep myself bz but dun seem to work

sleep over it...they say
it works...only for that 8 hours where ur eye closes and the night comes onto u
but not in the morning when u wake up
and the burden seems heavier

yeahyeahyeah
let's just see how bad it will go then
ciaoz

splat!

After we go to sleep
Our sun rise
I will make it the truth of painfully helping me cover up things
I wish I never had found

Confident
Tangled up in a nice life
Put the spider in you

Watching in disregard
You live a nice life
With the spider in you
I saved myself for someone somewhere's sweet caress

Something goes wrong
And all I sought was happiness
And so

In right wing fashion
We'll nurture xenophobia
And be strong

In right wing fashion
With paste and generosity
Because no one is safe
From someone somewhere's sweet embrace

And so I have simply decided to dislike you now

5:18

i guess life just got worse after five mins.
how bad will this go?

5:13 AM

went for the comm treat..
feel a sense of consternation.
it was a time when hearts were touched.
they were surprised i didn't say much.
but i guess it's just me..

wierd how ppl can come together
when 6 months ago everyone was strangers
wierd how much bonds were built and things somehow worked well after all..
perhaps not wierd.
but amazing.

life's still pretty much the same.
sometimes you just dunno what you're crying for
ain't that a shame?
but don't you just hate it when you are face to face with reality..
and in the end have to run away from it?

tsk tsk

will be dying soon if this continues though.

Ghosts

The ghosts of the past are back.
They are different faces every time.
They are outside but they live in me.
Just waiting for the time to attack.

I've lost once again.
Dying slowly.
Whoever says time passes fast.
They lied.

Bizarre Love Triangle
Every time I think of you
I get a shot right through into a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine, but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself that if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

laughter
it hides everything

Wednesday

just came back from west coast...had some fun over at the playground
imagine 8 ppl in their 20s fooling around..
climbed a pyramid...could actually feel the fear...
haha...used to be more courageous in the past...mellowed down into a mouse
was lying there against the sky and feeling really relaxed..
when my mind start fooling around again..
guess it cannot listen to its owner..
tot the day would be different..
perhaps a happier wednesday...
but when things die down and u're alone in your room again...i guess that's not the case
i'm feeling nonchalant
almost sense-less
perhaps just a longing...
for things to get better again..
or perhaps things were wrong in the past..
hence this.
what is the right way then?
do you know? do i?
or am i just ignoring myself.
mind's not listening to its owner again i guess.

confused

not sure why...just the first day of school and i'm getting all tired already
the bee hive problem finally solve...wad a day!
school's started and work are piling...things are starting to get hectic..
realise i'm not putting in my best on my responsibilities
so tired over everything..
just don't feel like thinking..wanna just keep busying myself till my mind stops thinking
feel so guilty...but i haven't done anything yet
probably my thoughts did
everything is slowing down and i'm letting it go slow
too difficult to do what i want to do..
thoughts are raging...blog makes no sense..
i'm picking up everything n anything at once and typing in a nonsensical way
days are long..
sometimes i wish they'll be longer sometimes i don't
wonder what i want actually..

sat morning....
in hall...
need for emergency shopping...
dinner is tonight..
no idea what time n place
alumni dinner somemore..
i'm like wad...21 only rite?
oh man...life is olding

Oh man....haven't been writing for like almost 4 months....
probably just update whatever have been happening..

1)sportscamp
2)sportscamp
3)sportscamp

basically the top three equates to holidays' ending, a not so fun korea trip...
hmm...not getting the hang of blogging after so long...
shall watch tv first...blog later

lalala...
mode: boring day

Dear lord...

---

had the worst paper today...but thank you for the strength to guide me through...
i feared the paper...but you showed me a way out..

everyone is like pretty stress about exams lately...realise i hadn't tok to jj for a long time...since both of us were like bz with our own studying etc...thought she was handling it pretty well...

stopped studying in the morning...not sure why but i started writing to alice and jj...decided to give them post cards...the farnie thing was i started writing bible verses for jj...have been frens with her for so many years...never thought of doing that...it was later then i knew why.

was bathing halfway when she started telling me how stressed she was...how she cried the night b4 when she come back from studying...you have ur ways after all...making things wonderful...thank lord for guiding her thru these difficult times...

remembered last year i actually burst into tears after my econometrics paper...but thank god this time none of that happened...all has passed and i feel at peace..
this is realli amazing how one can actually feel totally anew...but of cos it's not by my might but yours.

yes...truly you do things in your way...sometimes i really wonder why but i guess the things you do makes so much sense after all..they were like arbitrary then bravo...a puzzle is completed! thru faith everything is possible and yes you are my strength and power and you make my path perfect...have to keep remembering that!

---

tom's the most feared paper...macroecons..
this is horrible...feels like i'm getting nothing in...
gross...this module is the worst of all econs modules...
and btw econs is the worst subject of all that i have taken...
seriously...why is that? it's rhetorical...come to class and you'll understand..
put it alot of effort...hope it turns out well...at least juz a c...i'll be realli happy already

having trouble waking up every morning...just wanna get back to sleep...i guess it's the same for everyone..exam period...

wy's coming back on sat morn...think i'll go surprise him at the airport...feels really wierd cos hmm...it's been like ten over days since i last saw him...was realli looking forward to meeting him...but the disappointment of the econs paper prior to that day realli gettin me down...it's like a phobia u noe...after last year's econometrics paper...gross...came out crying cos the paper was horrible!!! but the marks turn out well...but...hmm...cant expect it to be the same this time...everybody is so zai!

got so stressed up...went for a run...seriously stress does give u the energy to run...juz kept running n running...feel so tired after tat...but at least i did accomplish sumthing today...

shall do econs later...rest abit...paper's at 1 tom...realli stressed up but ya...will get pass i guess...onli a horrifying experience tat's all..

god...this is getting realli sad rite? ok...shall be perky...everything will be well...have faith and god will guide!

till tom then~

Grossed out

---

Oh man...so sad...my upsaid account was gone...din realise it was a one year trial..
now qijia told me this site cannot host pics...gross gross gross
feel like i need to write sumthing out...exams are gross..
had a paper...next paper will be on tuesday...and y do i feel so relaxed?
wy is not around in singapore...makes it all the more worse...feel like i'm doing nothing everyday..
depression mode sets in...weeks earlier prior to this...this is getting real bad i think..
juz wish this week will be over..
but of cos there'll be another week to go...but still...definitely easier than this..
am using this site to juz bleah my feelings out in the meantime..gross gross gross..