Faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1

This was part of the scripture for today. really glad i went for service...amazingly alone. haha
the person leading the praise was talking about casting your burdens to god...and it was amazing that she seems to understand everything. sometimes god speaks through ppl when u dun have ears to listen.

was really touched by what she said...she was touched too. she had to control her tears as she was leading. then in front of me i saw a girl passing a packet of tissue paper to the friend beside her. it is true that everyone has burdens...all ages and at all times. so y not cast to him who can guide u thru?

he guided everything thru. yes he did. i wanna walk by faith n live by faith each day. because however things turn out...it's always for the best.

i have to keep telling myself that. there are testimonies everywhere so why am i doubting still? sometimes u juz live a day by a day. it's kinda scary but i guess even i have faith...it takes time to adapt right?

God will make a way where there seems to be no way. he works in ways we cannot see, he will make a way for me. he will be my guide, hold me closely to his side. with love and strength for each new day. he will make a way. he will make a way.

i shall have faith in him.

stay happy

i wanna stay happy..
how u say?
it's not ez...would be if things weren't like this..
so i guess adaptation is the only answer..

how again u ask?
i have my own means.
keeping it a secret of cos.

i'm still waiting though
for the guy to sing this song to me.

horror horror!~

gers! i believe we are officially insane!
it's 115 in the morning on a friday morning and we are still messing around with our blogskins!!!
omg! it's bad for the exams..hehe

aniwaez how's the blog skin?? comments comments??
i realise there's no comment column now..but wad the heck! there's a tag box so juz make do with it!

i realise i like html quote!
i m a genius!

21 oct 2004

i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.

this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

and i said i've gotta be honest
i've been waiting for you all my life.
for so long i thought i was asylum bound,
but just seeing you makes me think twice.
and being with you here makes me sane,
i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side.

you've got wits...you've got looks,
you've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?
tonight.
tonight.

when life becomes a dread

a friend told me that he wants to give up everything..
because life is no longer under his control.
he is controlled by his friends, family, gf and studies.
he doesn't feel the happiness anymore.

the only time he feels happy is when he's alone.
that's the only time no outside factors can harm him.
harm u say...cos life is no longer his but it belongs to others.

he doesn't believe in saying no to others...
his life is always helping others around him..
much to the degree that he forsakes himself..
to him...you will not be able to do what you want in life..
because that'll cause others to be disappointed.

but i think he doesn't realise this..
having a life that he is happy with doesn't make the others any sadder..
the others will be happy for u juz for the fact that u r happy..
still there are others who couldn't care less..
because their lives go on the same.

it is true that to give would entails a take..
but the giving cannot be coming from the same person..
if that's the case..whatever will happen to the rest?
and what is going to happen to the one who always gives?

the giver becomes the dreaded..
because he no longer lives a life for himself but for others.
he no longer chooses what he likes but what others like.
this is a life no longer of a human.
he'll see life at the deepest trench man ever dug

but life is suppose to be beautiful
to give up everything would be a lose lose situation
because u gave up even the beautiful part of life

to say to put self before others may be selfish..
but come to think of it..
there should be a balance somewhere or another..
i'm sure others wouldn't want to see u live a life like this as well..

sometimes freedom can be chosen..
u juz have to make an effort.
consequences may be drastic
but behind every ending..
there will always entail a beginning.

countdown to stupidity

gross...failed my econs test..
think this is the first of all failures for the next few weeks..
psychology shd come after that.
then all the various essays..
gross.
wad the hell..
this sem is a goner

one goes free and the other waits

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember till you're home again
You belong to me.


Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. =)

rainbows and butterflies

they do exist. they make things beautiful. are they always there you say? yes
they are around us, but we just choose not to look out for them.
sometimes rainbows and butterflies don't happen to us, but to people around us. feeling happy for them makes life beautiful.

buddy sent me a card!!! very sweet =) but too bad cannot keep..
http://ecardview.hallmark.com/hmk/Website/greeting.jsp?bae=3&mailID=BAE_ECARD_Order&id=EG5146-017477-12295159&userID=0

haa...think my dad dotes on me...he drove me back just now after i 'teh' him..hahaha..shall ask him go for dinner this week. he asked me to bring tennis racket back to hall too!! haa

sometimes i think gers bitch too much... so weird..we know that we bitch too much but we juz can't shut our mouths!! haha... but can't be blamed...we are by nature more emotional...problems must be solved! maybe the guys can help us abit and try to accomodate?? we DO feel bad after bitching. really! sometimes the woman is bitching...but underlying she may juz be saying 'i feel so insecure...why don't u juz gimme a hug?' hmm...no wonder they say women don't say what they think..

btw...buddy got a gf! so excited for him! but i think i'm still one of the most impt ger in his life la..rite bud?? =)

and you thought...

ten years before i dreamed of so many things..
i wanted to be a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a journalist, a photographer and a fashion designer.
i thought a hundred thousand was a damn lot of money...look at all the millionaire shows now man.
i believed my parents will never age.
i'll be in university doing a specialized course.
i'll still be as happy as before.
i believed a wonderland world will always exist.
i found the man i wanna marry.

who is to know all these will change after ten years. maybe some don't change but look at the twists and turns to get to where we are.

life was simplified. why did i ever said i wanna grow up?

life then was just love, happiness and kindess. everything was like heaven. everything seemed perfect.

i slept real late yesterday...just didn't want the day to end. love it so much. sometimes you ask why hold on to the past? cos u were happier then right? but man must look forward...make the best of your life in the future. problem is no matter how much you try...things just don't become better.

i'm scared of the future. because it's only ten years down the road where u realise ur life is leading nowhere.

that's a sad sad life. am i too childish to want to hold back the purity of being young?

despite that, i'll still want to cherish the pureness of youth. "the running boy is inside every man, no matter how old he gets"

i'm not depressed today...just very stoned. i'm not feeling anything...neither happy or sad...neither good nor bad. just basically waiting for something to happen. happiness maybe. neutral zone makes you anomic.

worry makes people old. i am getting old.

a silver lining beneath the dark clouds

paranoia is killing me.
killing as in literally killing...really wish i were dead...
not the process of being killed...but drop dead..and just that.

why...cos i can't take the pain.
rationality is not inside me anymore.
is it his fault? nope!
just my own. sometimes i think i inherit some things from my brother.
sometimes u just wish u were never born..

i wanna run away...but at the same time i can't
don't mistook that i am pessimistic...
i'm not...at least not today... i actually smiled today..
many times really.

i met a junjie for lunch..nice of him to ask me out for a meal
i met jien during research participant...haven seen him in ages..
god made known to me his prescence then. hard to explain but yeah..i know u r there.
n jeanette went to the bazaar with me.

throughout these periods...alice n jj were constantly around.. day n nite..candies and crying shoulders...
not forgetting ppl like qijia n bran.. who tried to ask about me now n then..
n buddie...for not asking anything but offered a refuge =)

for eddie n eric for their smiles and concern along the way...
for aunt florence who just seem to send the right sms at the right time...
wy who's totally exhausted and still hanging there...i hope i can finally understand...
mommy for not asking anything although she knew i was bothered...
and daddy who actually remembered i wanted to buy biotherm's abdo choc!
it's not the gift that i'm happy about...it's the thought of him remembering..
drives me crazy!
i love my dad to sms me...cos i think he juz can't stand me growing up sometimes.
and being away from him too...

so many horrible days and it's so wierd that there are so many happy things around and i was too upset to be aware..wad is wrong with me?

jj was right when she said "think about the rest who are around you..."
that made sense!

i cried everyday for the past few weeks..including today...but today is different..not tears of sorrow but tears of joy!

i'm really happy.
today is a good day and i don't want it to end

poll

what would a guy do if a girl says she can wait?

things i would say to myself

u r stupid...just plain stupid..
pathetic loser who is simply trying to hard.
freaking hell juz plain stupid..
who doesn't know wad the hell is happening
damn fat and short...gross
i hate everything about u..
always pretending this n tat...
but the truth is u're just too stupid to turn ur head in the direction of truth
u r lazy, incompetent and definitely incapable.
u get demoralised and u juz lie there n cry.
u r a waste in all the 21 years..
u r nothing but a pathetic loser who is juz purely stupid and nothing else
there isn't even a scum of faith which can be found in a person like u.
u claim to be good when u r juz so plain evil.
i hate u i hate u i hate
fucking walking stupid.

My happy ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

get a life ger...
get a life...

wednesday

i never like wednesday, dunno y
but i like tuesday and thursday and saturday...hates the rest.

think i'm becoming irritating...trying not to but yeah..
juz plain o' irritatin zy
this pathetic, irritating loser!
hate who i am, what i'm doing..
where's the girl i once was?
is this wad womanhood feels like?

i love..
the wind against my face,
the crackles of fire that dances against the dark,
the stars in the sky,
the sand beneath my toes,
the cool spring water running through my feet.

i love to..
draw,
be hugged,
be doted on,
laugh,
dance,
play.

i hate...
liars, anger, sadness and disappointment.

not sure why i'm telling this..
i just want to go back to the past.

was jogging juz now and i met kenneth n qijia..
felt so happy to see them.
two people whom i've known in sports club...two amazing ppl.
one is a great partner and another a doting brother...haha
sometimes u wish u could go back when u were happier...
when u play whose line in the middle of the night laffing like no others' business
when the girls would gather juz to yak their way thru the night.

those were the times..
very recent i should say.
getting irritating i think..
hate this man.

i miss daddy.

humans

saw a cat at my level..
surprise surprise...how did it manage to reach the 10th floor?
it's perched up on a thrown-away cupboard..
meowing for help.

went home n got it milk...told my mom i saw a cat outside with enthusiasm.
she said juz leave it alone and close the door b4 it comes in.
i went out anyway.
dad came back from jogging. reprimanded that i had offered it food.
i said it was hungry and was asking for help. he said it'll only follow us back.

whatever happened to kindness?

i'm confident my bro will bring it home if he sees it. n he's like the worst person i've ever known.

does the world hides traits that we are suppose to portray? that's so sad.

felt like crying for the cat. totally depressing. it's a half grown cat, or rather an older kitten. so thin n frail...

depressing days are everyday. there will be times where u juz stare and think of nothing else. apologising here isn't the solution. i feel sad for everybody. everyone except me. i feel so extra.

think he's gonna flare if i ask anymore questions. but i guess it's human nature to be curious. but i guessed i ask too much. becoming an irritant. i feel like someone recuperating...all the sudden attention at all the needs, the tolerance which would otherwise not have been tolerated for things that were done previously.

gross

i think i failed.

a relationship is really weird.
a few night of insomnia and nightmares to realise juz how right i was.
sometimes i wish i weren't this accurate.
why can't i be wrong.

when a partner falls for another
the heart is shared by two person.
it's like sharing a bunk...when someone u dunno barges in and messes ur pte life
things get hazy.
it gets abit of getting used to, that the room is no longer urs alone.

when the person leaves, it doesn't solves anything.
because u were made to share the room with her b4.
gross.

she said 我加上你两个人并不等于我们
i said i wanna wake up from this nightmare, only to find that the nightmare is the reality.
he said nothing.

i never felt a heartache this deep. think i lost something really important to me.
qijia said i would break if he would ever leave me, he's so right. why can't he be wrong? why can't i be wrong? why is everyone wrong?

i can forget. i told him i can forget. used to gloat at gers who does that. but i can't help staring into space everytime i'm alone. i'm like in my own world. truth is i cannot forget. not his fault, but mine.

the heartache is killing me. we pretended nothing happened. i cannot forget. i can't stop crying. i feel so drained out. i can't sleep. i want to go back to the past. i can't share him with other ppl. i feel for the ger. i go crazy when i'm alone. i don't want to feel this way. what did i do wrong? what went wrong?

wrecked. everything.