news

my parents always complain i don't read the newspaper or watch the news.
why should i? when all they show is dead bodies and grieving ppl..
i feel horrible.

all the dead ppl

the whole nus cohort died today.
a friend described as water splashing on ants.
easy to die. fast and efficient.
god's way of birth control....very blasphemic
we are not the fortunate one...the dead are..
cos we still have to face the sick world.
this world is sick. so is everybody.
what are we living for?

post christmas

it's already after christmas...realised i haven't blogged for ten days...which means i haven't been back to school for this long...haha

was watching this chinese tv show on channel 8, when my dad switched to channel 9...they are like showing the same genre of shows...documentary depicting lives of ppl who are obviously tragic and pitiful, evoking guilt (after my dad keeps complaining how lucky i m and how the little girl is so mature in thought), disgust (after i've seen myself still alive and kicking) and hope (looking at how the rest around them are still surviving).

Then a thought dawn on me...why the same genre of shows at the same time from the 2 channels? trying to compete against the tragedy of humanity or the number of cycles of emotional turmoil that churns in the audience? gross.... the shows suddenly don't seem as tragic after all... both channels show what ppl wanna watch. humanity is insane...the more tragic the show is...the more they wanna stuck their noses in. when their noses get scratched...they oozed nonchalance. E.g charity shows...how many have there been? 4 this year rite? (well well, one good thing about merging channels.... less of charity shows!) do they serve their purpose? is the money channelled to ppl like the old granny who sells tissue paper every day late into the night at bb mrt station? no i don't think so. pardon me for being skeptic.... i think the aim of charity shows are not so much for charity than it is for publicity. gross.

went cycling with qijia, cher, cece, ken n wy... took some pictures along the beach. that was blissful. a very blissful day with my friends and beloved. you could have painted a picture perfect until the radio reported the earthquake at sri lanka. what the hell. when ppl were wondering if their relatives and friends are still alive...there i am...thinking about blissfulness. it doesn't take two tv channels to tell u how fortunate u r...being able to eat mac, eat ramen, have fun and be with ur loved ones HAPPILLY! gross...thousands died...thousands...that's like the whole nus arts faculty...imagine coming to school with the whole faculty missing...bcos they are all buried 6 feet underground. gross.

alritey...getting emotional...these few days eating too much...thank god brandon cancelled the steamboat...hai...what's the probability of a human from dying...i should say it's very high...judging from the natural disasters and wars all around the world...so why do we keep lamenting that we are unfortunate from time to time? humans...

malacca (pseudo johore)

woke up early yesterday cos my parents asked me to go malaysia with them...
was happily anticipating a day of shopping and munching in johor...cos that was the place my mom said we would be going..
even the destination on the arrival card was reported johore.

then my dad started saying about the long drive to malacca..
and i was like u gotta be kidding...just go johore and go malacca the next time..
quit talking about it... then my father looked baffled and said then y is he driving towards the second link..
and i happily said u gotta be kidding...and i looked at my mom... and she was like i told u we were going malacca..
then i was like u said johore..and she went...'malacca is not in johore?' stupid bimbo.

the drive was delirious...too long and i hate long journeys!!!
felt like i was on a 'thief ship' (jei chuan)
everything was getting on my nerves because it was a damn long freaking ride...gross

we ate the rice ball chicken rice...it was amazing...the rice ball can bounce! many times actually..
taste was nothing amazing though..haha
then we went to this souvenior shop which i initially refused to go in...cos i tot they only sell the durian kuey..
guess wad...there were so many things inside...
my mom was exclaiming how much we spent on food..when she commented...'even though she (me) claim that i was on the jei chuan...i think it is both of us who got robbed' hahaha.

then my dad was commenting on how i always teh him when i have problems that need his help...how bad my temper is and everything...seriously i do agree with him! hai...but it only happens to both of them...my parents i mean...my temper get so bad around them n i dunno y...hai..feel so bad...

we did managed to shop abit though...went around in about three hours...then another three hours drive back...hai...n got stuck in traffic along the way...lost our way... thanks to my always over-confident dad.

went to buy stuffs for xmas presents! hai...super broke...think this yr's presents will be hard work...hai...shall get started soon...plus i've got so many books to read! hai...

what makes an idol?

was on the way to jp to collect my specs...took 96 to clementi.
went down the bus and i was caught in a shock.
there was someone singing...a voice u'll be momentarily surprised to have seen coming out from a blind woman. she was baskering in the streets...there she goes...singing 'reflections', 'whenever wherever', and many more diva sing alongs.

i could have sworn the singing was good enough to allow one to assume it was coming out of a cd.

she couldn't have been an idol...but her voice certainly does. so there i go...cos i was still early...meekly waiting for the bus juz to hear her sing.

watched 'mona lisa's smile' during dinner...it's wierd that you have got so much time to do anything all of a sudden...wished it would never end. julia roberts wasn't considered much of an idol to the parents' alumni...haa..but to the students yes...she was the idol. she was supposed to be teaching art...in a sense...felt she was teaching sociology...the show is like dead poet's society...less tragic and a little more feminist. hah...both are great films...both depicts heartland idols. but do such heartland idols ever exist anymore? wad about the blind lady? whatever happened to what's pure?

sylvester or taufik? idol? kelly clarkson or ruben studdard? clay aiken? this is what is known of idols nowdays...haha...pretty superficial. have u ever wondered who's ur idol? who u wanna look up to? it's wierd cos i've always wanted to be so many things in my life...from young...a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer, a designer, a journalist, a merchandiser, a homemaker, a volunteer...wonder where will i stand in years' time. would i be any of these? hah. but i've always wanted to make change to where i will be. it's something of an idol...somebody who inspires...who amazes and who has a great big heart! hmmm...will i be that someday? perhaps...in my mind...that's wad makes an idol. hah.

'Reflections'

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, is as if I play a part

Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that i'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think how we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?

fustrations

do i get them? yes i do. but not in ur face! not in anybody's face! u noe why? cos i get fucked when i do that. so guess wad? fuck u all! all ur fustrations vent it on urselves! go fuck somebody else if u have to. quit using it on me.

sometimes u wonder what have u done and guess wad? the only word that comes to my mouth is fuck u. fuck u!!!! fuck fuck fuck...that's how the world works isn't it?
damn.

fuck u...the one who's reading this. anybody who's reading this. quit reading and close the window. i can't write if i know there's ppl reading this. fuck u who reads and react to me accordingly. gross. get out of my life.

i'm just a fucking piece of shit. a pathetic one who's constantly sympathizing myself. do i get a nod? yes i do! from somebody and yes...fuck u too.

what have i been doing?

well...the impulse to that question would be 'nothing'
something which i've accustomed to replying for the past few months..
but i guess there was really something going on these few days..
lemme recap.

mon: wakeboarding
tues: driving and many gatherings
wed: gym, jalan jalan, shopping (not happy shopping)

well well...wakeboarding was fun, driving was exhilarating, and the gatherings were sinful!!! imagine cakes in a sushi conveyor manner, each a spoonful, with an extra serving of creme brulee! not forgetting a cheesy fattening pasta b4 that at prego's. that was juz one gathering. the gathering b4 that was horrible as well. luckily i skipped the birthday cake...haha.

hmm...went shopping with my mom at john little...some members only event. imagine how many members they have. it was so crowded i can barely walked. the queue was so damn long...din even tried on the lingerie i bought. fortunately they fit! hahaha

was waiting for my mom at the taxi stand while she queued for the free gift (a bear with a radio component...duh!), saw many sights along the way. right across me was centrepoint with their magnificent christmas decorations. christmas is coming...my favourite time of the year. strangely speaking...i dun feel very enthusiastic about it at all. wistful if u ask me. that's how i feel. i wish it would never come. i don't wanna spoil christmas.

people were walking past. i saw couples. hand in hand. happily crossing the road. talking to one another. it's an amazing sight. very heartwarming. i see families yakking as they take pictures. i see singles walking along after a hard day's work. the season's mood is everywhere. somehow this year feels wierd. i haven't even started with my gifts...

when ppl smile...do they feel happy? how do u get that happiness back? y won't anyone feel not happy? why do you get angry at ppl who care for u? why do i shout at my mom? why won't ppl accept u the way u r? why do ppl get unhappy? where's the motivation? where's the spirit? why the wistfulness?

wierd week u ask me...i've forgotten how to enjoy the things i used to enjoy doing. it's wierd how u can forget about these. i would love to make gifts but y haven i get started? i'm dreading christmas this year. wish it'll never come.

out of the ordinary thursday

went for my first driving lesson today...
haha...and i drove! i drove!! for the first time in my life..
haha in a circuit...it's pretty exciting!!
looking forward to my next lesson...haha
at first i tot i was pretty scary...but seriously at 20km/hr would be quite sia suay for that right??

was on the bus back to school to meet jj and sihui..
sat beside this ger..
young little girl...and she was damn weird..
i mean can see she has abit of problem..
she used her leg to hit my bag...and started telling her mom she was in pain..
i dozed off in about a while and guess wad..
she woke me up by scratching her ez link card holder on my shoulder and on my hands..
and b4 she got down the bus she happily scratched a few more times and gave me a sly smile..
omg...but anyway think she's abit bonkers...hai..
but lucky i'm in a good mood...bcos of the driving!!!

i msged my dad abt my driving..
guess wad he replied?

daddy: no big deal right?

hai....wad a splash of cold water..
haha