Parallel Universe

I'm thinking maybe in my parallel universe, I'm still 14. I wonder what big changes I will make with that small little step.

那些年。。。

Caught the movie 那些年我们一起追的女孩, got a little overwhelmed by the entire movie. I guess it speaks differently to different people. To me, it's a really depressing show, even after knowing logically that it's a story with 2 endings. It's a show I hate, but will hate even more if I ever forget.

I think I lost something in my youth. Maybe a sense of playfulness, naivety, or childish behavior? Or simply the know-how to love, to embrace life, to really smile without controlling, to be, to just be. Someone once said I never give in full, and that I always keep a part of me back, to my world. Makes me realize my world isn't complete. Because somewhere, somehow, this world doesn't have the whole of me inside. It has everyone, except me. And the ironic part is, it's my world.

Not too sure why I'm speaking in tongues, but I cannot quite get why I'm saying all these in the first place. I'm getting emotional looking back at my past entries. Maybe I'm reflective, maybe I'm being nostalgic over the past. Or maybe I'm just starting to realize what I'm missing out in life, missing out because I kept a part of me to myself. Missing out because I was afraid of getting hurt, of being disappointed, of being left alone, abandoned. I'm a train that has lost its engines and I hate that analogy. Moving as it should, and I don't know who is my train master. What have I missed? I don't know if I can ever find it back. Question is, what is  this it?

All I know is I stopped somewhere, and I'm trying to start again from where I stopped. And I feel like I'm pleading for someone to give me the answers to what is happening now. But somehow only silence replied me. Silence is deafening and quiet all at the same time. They are speaking, lips moving and twitching, but no sounds could be heard. Or rather sounds that don't make sense. When did I become crippled? I have a hearing disability, or maybe I'm just disabled - with the inability to feel, to emote, to understand the condition my body is repulsing and embracing all at the same time.

I read that I was tired. I was tired once, am I tired again? What am I tired about? It's these emotions that I can't quite grasp. What was lost? I really wish I knew.

Here's a link to the song of the movie, hard and meaningful lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQTfE1W5GGg&feature=related

I'm really glad a movie like this came out. But this gladness, it's not a positive gladness I must say．

At least not yet.