depressing mode (for a long long time)

Just when I thought things got better,
just when I thought I could finally do something which I wanted to do.
Just when I thought I could at least find meaning in my work.

My dad tells me he can't afford my fashion studies.
It's quite a bomb, so much that I just feel like crying and crying.
Been waiting for so long and he tells me to wait again.
I cannot imagine being in the same job with nothing to look forward to.
Always thought people are so dead in their jobs, now I'm one of them.

Worked overtime today. Feel so disgusted at what I'm doing but who knows?
Now the bomb's drop, there goes everything.
I don't expect him to pay. Just don't have the money to pay now.

Gross. This is so much worse than not getting a job. I hate waiting just for things to happen. Been waiting and waiting just to be dropped a bomb.

Grossout. Can't even choose what I want in my life. Was so disgusted I just told my mom quietly to get out of the room, I don't even want to talk.

Gross.

Muddled Monday

Came to work realising I'm not sure what I should do. My head doesn't get here till at least 3 in the afternoon and Irene isn't here yet. Bummer. Today is suppose to work OT, cos it's gonna be really really bz as I'm told. But didn't expect to see this other girl (sales dept), who worked pm shift, coming in earlier than me! I got in at 915! I guess it's really a bz day, not juz for my dept. Bummer bummer. I think I had work! Any outings ppl?!

jj n lice: I've been asking for a month and we have not met up since...bz ppl eh?!

Wish list!!!

haha was surfing throught the tiffany website when i came across all these!!! So nice...shall inspire myself to buy...and if possible..well wishers who have money to spare u know what to do! (kidding la!)

Been eyeing this necklace for quite some time..it's shaped like a bean...so cute!


Haa..the ring collections are not bad as well.. fit for everyday use!




Now this is the best!!! SUper vintage and fit for marriage...**hint hint clue clue** of cos cannot afford la..but feasting for the eyes lei...haa...looks like some heirloom that is passed down likethat...this engagement ring is called 'LEGACY'. Last time when cher told me engagement and wedding bands are different and I tot it was so leh ceh..now that i see this..haha...changed my mind.



u see...at the bottom got one more diamond one...so exquisite!


Wah...can't imagine the day when I can afford my own diamonds...it's like a standard u set for urself u noe...buying girl's best friend. Haha..a show of independence. Wonder when I can come to that. Hah!

Dead meat!

I am totally a goner. Been spending money like nobody's business. Buying things at the spur of the moment. They say retail therapy works. Yes it works! But only up to the point when you figured out your monthly expenses are way off your league and the account balance seems to be depreciating. OMG! I am officially broke although I have a job. It's already two months and I don't know where my money has gone to =( I shall put my pay with someone else. Any volunteers?

Woke up this morning dreading work. Was lying at my bed picturing my old hall room. Hai. I wished I woke up at EA. The postcards on the wall, my ever messy cupboards, stacks of notes at the side of the table. That was the good old days! Not forgetting surprised meals hung on the door or even sweet notes under door. You know who u r!! I miss all of you so much. At least when I was back in hall, there'll be someone preventing me from buying stuffs online or just buying anything!

There was bad news. There is no holiday this friday. The boss said he was trying to get a day off for all of us because of some changes to the database. But guess wad? Boss boss say got other stuffs to do. Oh man! I have been looking forward to the long weekend! (Why do I feel like I'm in the army???!!!)

I hate working. Don't mean to sound like a whiny cat!(Whiny because I'm whiny, cats because they aren't exactly the favourite things on my list)

Boo hoo...whiny whiny whiny...

Dear fellow bitches, can we have a time to bitch? Hai...think it would be good therapy. And somebody please please smack my face until I don't spend anything!!!

A nice thursday

Always liked thursday, because the next day is friday. Thursday is like an almost relaxed day. To me it's midweek =) One step further to rest.

Went to eat Teochew porriage at Maxwell. It was really good. This is one of my favourite crusine. To top it off, I think it's the best I have eaten so far. Was walking back from Maxwell when two ladies approached me, asking me some stuffs in cantonese. Imagine my look when all I could do was to stare at them with my mouth agap.

Thankfully, Irene was beside me. Within moments, I saw a whole scene of hong kong serial being played right at my face. It was exhilarating. All I could do was to smile and be nice, while trying to understand what I can amidst the gesticulation. Cantonese sound so nice!!! Remembered the time I was catching 'chong shang yun xiao' from jj. I still haven master how to sing the theme song! =(

Then I remembered how the same thing happened when I was younger. My dad used to work in Japan for a few months, and he befriended quite a few Japanese then. One was Aunty Wakana. When my dad came back from Japan, I had so much gifts from her: biscuits, beautiful scarves etc. She finally came to visit Singapore. She used to associate my name with Changi airport, and there was how she remembered me. Her English wasn't that good, I could only understand her through gesticulations and patches of English here and there.

Her friend, Aunty Izumi also visited us. She was beautiful. Think because I was a girl, both of them adored me. Hahaha. What was amazing was when they first saw me. I was reading this Enid Blyton book then and they were surprised I could understand. Imagine the shock when they saw me reading another book the next day (Yes, I was a speed reader =) ). Japanese learn English only at the age of 12.

Thinking back, I realise I have quite an enchanting childhood. There were visits from other friends of my dad as well. Uncle Sunny from Hong Kong, and this other black guy from Saint something, an Island in America and a few others.

Sometimes it's really nice to know people from other cultures. How come that doesn't apply when I grew up?! Haha.

It is nice remembering such stuffs. Later I'll be going to Kushin Bo for this Japanese Buffet to celebrate a colleague's birthday. It is a nice thursday. =)

Vengeance

Everyday on Straits Times Interactive there will be at least one news about a certain bomb that went off somewhere. People are made to meet their maker sooner than what they expected just because some vengeful others think lives must be sacrificed for the greater good. Whose greater good?

I just cannot imagine why there are people who think they are able to decide the life span of others. It may think because it will die in the process it has at least done some good. Pardon my grammer here, it's not grammatical error. I believe the 'it' I am mentioning here cannot be considered a living thing. Its heart is already dead.

I believe all of us feel deeply when someone close passes away. Even if the person is just an acquaintance, there'll still be a sense of loss. Some of us even feel sad when we see pictures of bomb victims plastering on front page news. Why can't they feel anything?

Sometimes I think it can't be blamed. Society is different everywhere. It brings up different people. Singapore brings up the kind of person who is able to have the comfort to sit and read news about others dying and lament her thoughts on her blog.

Isn't there other solutions rather than extreme measures? What about compromise? Sometimes I don't even know why I am still alive. I feel sad for those who went away first.

Bad worker

I have every right to believe I shall not get past my probation.

Two weeks ago, I asked to go off early for doc's appointment at Joyce Lim's.
Then, a week later, I took a half day cos my head and tummy were giving me trouble.
Today I have an official MC!!!

I msged my boss about it and he said take care, no big deal (cos i'm paiseh).

Hai..this is really a very bad worker.=(

Why why why?

*Basically this is an entry with two purposes: 1. tell others that I am a bad worker. 2. To get the envy of others who are mugging hard as they are reading how slack I am. (hohoho, evil evil~)*

A different me

I read through some of my past entries, including the upsaid journal. I found a different me at every point of time.

Entries at the upsaid journal felt so different. It's like I'm really writing a journal, and not blogging like what I do in here. The difference is the tone i used. Hah, made me remembered the time I wanted to be a journalist.

There were things which I had already forgotten. Amazing! And I don't even remember writing some entries. Hah.

Times flies. It's a different me all over again. A 'me' with no perspectives, nothing to look forward to, just waiting as days go by. A 'me' who sometimes feel lost over whatever is going to happen to her life. A 'me' which I don't seem to know anymore. 'Me' is constantly changing. Not for the better sadly.

I hate 'me'.

Pregnancy

I have a positive view on pregnancy. A bit too positive perhaps.

Been working around Raffles place and I've seen so many pregnant ladies. The government's publicity is doing really well. Imagine seeing three to four big-bellied woman walking towards the hawker centre, chatting and laughing. It makes me feel pregnancy is a good thing.

I've my share of positive experiences. I've seen aunts who love their children so much and still wanting to have two more after two kids. I've seen uncles carrying their kids around making sure the head count is right. I've seen doting husbands around pregnant mums.

The size doesn't apprehend me. Hah, I actually feel women are more beautiful during pregnancy. It's like a celebration of womanhood, the ability to bear children. It must feel good to have someone growing inside your body.

Not sure why I'm saying this, think I'm seeing too many pregnant women. They are like everywhere! Haha, or is it that I'm actually ready to settle down? Bah!

Another form of discrimination?

I believed I am being discriminated. For being fat and ugly.

Watched the show 'I want to have a famous face' on MTV and there was this lady who wanted to look like Jennifer Aniston. So she had a nose lift, breast enhancement, butt lift, lipo everywhere. Basically a fake person. So she could feel happier, more beautiful and have a greater sense of confidence.

This show is unlike Extreme Makeover where they only show the nice parts. The similarity in both shows are that the makeover is definitely extreme. What is different is the dirty work that goes on.

I saw fats being sucked out of her body while she lay limplessly on the operating table. The surgeon poked a thick needle up her butt, tummy and neck (I could see her the fats gurgling beneath her skin), sliced up her breast and butt to fill it up, poke up her nostrils with this huge metal stick to straighten the nose and I could see the stick moving inside at the bridge!

I grew cold. I can't imagine how she would feel after being stitched up when the anesthetic wears off. Then, shows her a few months later, she was happy, more confident and her hubby loves her.

I was like 'whaaa??'

Then channel 8 was showing a slimming down program. About fat woman who wants to slim down. Then channel 5 has a few women in villa wellness, one of two being criticised looking like a banana.

Why do these women want to look pretty on the outside. Sometimes I think women is doomed to die if they don't look nice. The clothes on the rack of most retail shops don't sell extra sizes. My friends with fat asses hate it when they go buy bottoms with me!

The image given is: fat = ugly. Is that really the truth? Sad to say I feel it is. I don't see fat people on magazines, unless to feature how much they have slimmed down. I see people trying to withstrain their laughter when they see women on the large side showing off extra skin.

Do I have to be stick thin before somebody finally says I can fit into society. Do we have to stare in shock at friends whom we haven't seen in ages, when they appear in front of us all thin and ill-looking? Is this what woman has to achieve in order to look beautiful.

I've had my share of hurt. I've heard people reminising about how thin I used to be previously and how much I am eating and how come my tummy is expanding etc. I have seen stares when my tummy gets a bit bigger and when you look at them they pretend not to look, but give you a signal to do something about it. I've had my inferior complex coming in when friends are successful in slimming but I just remain the same no matter how much I try. Sometimes, I wonder when it will stop.

I am feeling very exasperated over this. I'm not super duper huge and I'm not thin or slim either. I just feel what the society has deemed an optimal body for acceptance has made me somewhat ponder my sorry existence. I wonder if others feel that way. Which is why they are running to TV stations for free programs to slim down, hopefully by the time they have slimmed, no one can recognise the new look?

I have my share of diets. I do obsess having a good body. But don't people know they must love themselves first? Being slim and thin is not being beautiful. People should love you on the inside too. And I figured out if people don't like me for who I am, there is no point having them in my life right?

So far, there has been only one person who said I've never changed thoughout the years. He didn't notice if I had my hair cut, grew fatter or thinner, or got a new pair of shoes, clothes etc. To him I'm the same when he knew me then and now. I know he loves me for who I am and I thank him for that. I'm thankful there's such a person in my life. Why can't other people be like that? I don't look at my guy friends who are on the large side and ask them to slim down do I?

Yes, I want to thank this person. For making me feel better whenever I complain about my physical appearance. Wenyao: I wish everyone else were like you. I love you and thank you =)