interesting

check out this webbie..quite entertaining..
haa...shall go for a jog again..
so wierd...getting more n more tired of jogging ar...
keep running same places get bored lei..

so was it a mind thing or is it actaully a physical thing?

insecurity

think i am feeling like this.
not sure why.
or maybe i do but i'm juzt not telling.

it feels like defeat.
it has the taste of failure,
and certainly smelt like disappointment.

it means something's gonna be taken away.
and it also means that nothing new is coming along.
it is same and different oxymoronically.

i can tell u one thing is for sure.
it doesn't feel good.
time will tell if the future is bleak or promising,
and patience will only lengthen the dread.
hastiness then? i guess it leads nowhere.

time is not on my side.
in fact, almost nothing is.
except a few.
the uncertainty. the lost and of course, the insecurity.

"great day" part 2...the apocalypse

not sure how to describe
totally bad...

gross

"great day"

yeah...woke up late today again..
supposed to run but didn't.
came back this morning at about 5...actually went to eat n ktv with jj, zhenwei and sc..
haa...amazing..
realli amused when jj commented that our life is back on the go..

went shopping with my mom and bought quite abit of lingerie..
stoopid washing machine in hall spoiling all my inner beauty..gross
was helping my mom carry her 'inner beauty' when it dropped without me knowing it..
was searching through the whole of metro looking for it...cos it was the last piece!
imagine wad shit i got from my mom...and come on...it's not like it's the first time buying that same design n same color??? she has loads of the same thing. she was grumbling as she was forced to take another one...hey...the new one is juz one shade lighter than the previous..OMG!

went to try out clothes and realised i've grown huge overnight man...totally huge...everywhere getting big...could it be auntie's visiting??? hmm...maybe water retention mar...hai...think i juz need to run more man...

went to fetch daddy and guess wad he didn't get me my biotherm abdo choc! i shall buy it tom then...since his money is still with me..

amazing thing happening to day i guess...other than the scouting for bra around metro..i realised i forgot to zip my pants all the way man...maybe from zara i think...last place i put on another pants...gross..
heng heng got my bag to cover...and lucky not wearing any bright hot pink undies...would have looked ridiculous against the green pants ...haha

juz watched taegukhi again...this time on dvd...wah liew...cry until like fountain...beginning cry like shit already.. gross...but real sad...then come to think about it...why the heck m i at home on sat alone...again..(mom n dad went for a stoopid wedding dinner...refused to go after she said i became rounder..!) and typing my blog...guess i juz dun have anybody to tell my day too..haha...but i guess i dun have the habit of telling too..

yeah...not like i've not tried i think...hmmm...mom kept asking me if she has to buy breakfast for wy...think she noe sumthing from somebody...shd be my aunt...where's the privacy man??? i asked her if she confirm wy gonna be her son in law...almost every week asking if he's staying over...oh man...then she replied...so u wan (him to be ur husband/my son in law)? gross

not sure if he remembers today...guess this is the worst monthsary ever... it's like 45 mths?? going to 4 years huh? hmm...
dunno lar...cant be bothered already

consternation

seriously why do ppl have relationships when they can't afford the time?

that comes into another question...why do we need a relationship for?
marriage maybe?

then wad's the point of continuing when one is bz enough even without a relationship.
therefore would it be better to start at a later age? then again, u'll realise the person might not be the one that u've always wanted. n the worse case is wad if the person is the one in front of you right now? but what if he isn't the one at all?

is it true that if one can live without another for a period of time, life will juz continue? or maybe that will be a regret all ur life? or perhaps u could juz be left on the shelf if u lose this one?

pessimistic u say. yeah i agree. but i feel i'm dealing with it in an optimistic way. come on...it's not like i've been crying for days. wierd in a sense...no tears! how amazing is that?

so is it time to move on? or is this juz a phase that all couples will go through once in a while. but y do i feel it's different this time? no tears no anger...tat's a hot issue man!

no anger...but there is great disappointment. so much that i find there is no need for me to say anything. nothing. niente. nitchs.

why should i desert my life juz for a relationship. isn't that suppose to be mutual if there was justification for that? why shd i be the one sitting sulkily at home alone? why shd i discard wadever friendships i have juz because i ought to? why shd i be the one being condemned when u shd be the one quitting the goody image? what have i missed?

n the waiting...why am i always waiting? do u actually have to wait for me to be ready? do i deserve this?

i guessed i shd have bitched this out long ago b4 now. isn't it too late? a few yrs already rite? well, but then again...there will always be justifications for wad u did...cos i realised no matter how much i feel...it won't ever be compared to urs. says who u ask? says u and everybody else.

so guess wad? i'm finally gonna shut up and get my life back!

???

it's interesting to ask why u have a blog when nobody reads it.
hence the question to ask is
1) do u blog cos u want ppl to know what is happening in your life?
2) or do u blog cos u found no other mediums to bitch about your life, and in that case, what happens if the person u r bitching about reads it?
3) or do i blog cos i juz find writing abit tedious..

hmm....but it's amazing how some ppl reads it and some don't right? i hope you get what i mean..

gross

would love to bitch but ya...life won't change much...everything will still be the same..

well...even i bitch doesn't that makes me the bad guy??

world is confusing don't u think?

reader: ya confused rite?

found!!!

hahaha...my purse is found!
so happy... there are kind souls around man!
hahaha...

nonid to pay money for matric card n keys n debit card!
lalala..

i have a 4th resolution!
4) to get a life! hang out with friends more!

yeah yeah yeah

D-day (Darn day!)

Gross gross gross..
first thing....lost my wallet...
second thing...granny hospitalised..
third..
my boxing glove is spoilt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bought it from korea...and it's spoilt!

arggh...how bad can the day get..
wallet lost..
gross....
darn day...

everything going haywire..
n did i say when i tried to sneak back to my room from the toilet after bathing..
a guy walked right outside the corridor??
n me wrapped in onli a towel..
arggh..

sianz..
hope tom will be better

Hmmm...

So wierd..
watched three tv shows in a row...haven't had that much tv inside my head in a long long time..

first was a drama...second is the slimming show...then caught a glimpse of true courage..
haha...got a few resolutions today...
it's really wierd how the ppl on tv make slimming such an easy process
qn is...is it that ez? or is it real diff

hmm...wad's my prob then??
think first thing i shd learn is to control..
control my spending...control wad i eat...control how i plan my time..
yeah...these are the resolutions..
wad do i want???

1. spend less money : 15 bucks on grocery each week!
2. slim down healthily: no fad diets...eat!!! but small meals each day. n run!!!!
3. plan my time wisely: mugger life! here i come...that includes sleep early too!

yupz..
think i shd write them down in case i wake up the next morning and forgets everything..
short term memory loss..
keep forgetting that i'm actually quite full u see..
that's the problem!

alritey shall go write them down now...the new zee life starts now!

Zeenie...part 2 :the aftermath

woah...woke up like 1 pm today..!!!!
1 pm...half a day wasted...got back at 6 am this morn..
gross...

the costume was nice...yes...i've got good taste..
but the body isn't...yes ...i've got a big taste...
worst of all...the makeup was horrible..
pics look real bad man...real bad.

gross...there goes my last ball!
the horrible one..
think i onli looked good last year ar...at least i looked slimmer in the photos..
gross..

shall go exercies man...run run run..
wish i have the motivation...now's like onli once a week!!!
and a freaking 6 rounds only!!!
oh man..

gross day...every sat is a hermit day man...
wish i could juz go out n have fun...

Zeenie...part 1

oh lala...
got my costume..
guess not going as a japo cha bor after all..
got an arabian costume...did some modifications.. (note: no middriff...too fat!!!!)
but the hair's abit too short dun ya think..??
shall go as funky arabian genie then..
haii...

the start of an uncomfortable, hideous and awful night!

Queen Zee!!!!

Haha...decided to use the title as a new nick...since I'm like always called Zee and there's the habit of opening the door and say 'hail the queen' whenever i step into sports club room!!!
haa...well...those were the days...

agm's over and I'm no longer a sport clubian i guess...kinda nostalgic though...wish it was still a year ago...miss sports camp suddenly...when i was doing the RHAPS....then when we were in the club room goofing around...esp in the early hours...haiz..."whose line" man..

went to classes today...took some time and went for an orchestra performance...it's really good seriously...shall go next wed again...since there's always a break in between....time to cultured up myself..

now that clubian days are over...time to do sumthing for myself...hm...draw??? design??? music???
haa...guess shall touch on all fields...but first...think i'm late for meeting...
haha...

update again!!!
exciting day ahead!

Hmmm...

Isn't is amazing how much people change over the years?
Or how much we actually don't change?

This is already my third year in NUS, and frankly speaking I think I still behave like I did in year 1. But somehow I'm not sure if the others felt I changed. Well, my enthusiasm did died down abit...unfortunately...and my character i guess is somewhat molded after sports club and sports camp. But seriously do hope that I'm still the person I used to be. I mean the positive side lar...negative side of cos must change.

Saw this guy walking past me juz now. Used to think he was extremely broken wrist although he looked tall and mature. When he was a freshie he looked like a freshie, then now he looked so senior you know. Kinda like the sissy-ness all gone with the years of academia torture in NUS. So wierd.

Next I saw another girl, same year. Funnily, she looked year 1 still. This is so wierd.

I wonder how I look to the rest?

Realise I don't crap as much. I'm so like serious now which I totally hate. But i guess the world forces you to be serious about stuffs as you grow older. (wanted to use the word 'aged', but I guess 21 is still too early rite?? rite??) I wish I don't have to grow old. But I vividly remembered wanting to grow up when I was younger and my mom would just gloat at me. She was evil then, but now she's not. haha.

I wish to be daddy's girl all the time. Don't want anything to change really. But daddy's growing old and his girl don't want to grow up. That's the problem!

I guess it's this fear of what if.
What if I won't be as successful as my parents.
What if they just leave me in a few years time.
What if I can't find a job.
What if my job is dead and boring.
What if I married the wrong guy.
What if I'm not happy.
What if I can't bear kids.

Not very duh questions I should say. They are facets of life. Staring straight at me man. This is totally grossed out.

Yeah what to do. Guess it's just part of growing up. Erm...they used to call that adolescent. Pretty late for me right?

can't seem to get started on work..
brain is super malfunctioning..
very slow to get things in
and sad to say they are limited in quantity..

are the texts too hard or is my brain aging??
gross...

realise i dun feel like doing anything..
juz wanna sleep thru everything..
not a care in this world..
work is definitly not wad i wanna do now..

wanna go home n watch tv all day long..
draw and paint and cook
make crafts and play sports..
but not when work is piling up..
when there's a bloody test next week..
and the elections this coming week...
gross

whole weekend will be wasted...
did i mention my work is pling up???
i wanna go home!!!
but tom got soccer training...argggh...was looking forward to it
hai...

life is gross