Fire!

Woke up very early this morning. Opened my eyes just as the radio clock chimed. Usually would take me about half hour to get out of bed.

Got to the office. Suddenly realised I many be overdressed. Tom's holiday, others may wear informal...what the hell. I was clad in 3-quart sleeve black top and pants and heels!

Moment I got into office it felt wierd. Matt (a consultant) was at the ground floor talking on the phone in a worried manner. The security guys were moving around and not slacking in their usual position. People from other offices were commenting about some air-con malfunction.

Stepped into the office and there was burning smell all around. I could literally smell plastic being burnt. Then I heard there was a fire because the air con burnt out. The server room was down...not sure if the comp was still working. But the floor where I worked was pungent. Not forgetting there were no windows. The whole place was sewn with soot. But wierdly, the place was not burnt. Goodness knows where the soot come from. I swear the layers of ashes on my office was so gross there was soot stuck in my nose!

Cleared up some stuff before the professional came to clean up. My stuffs were so dirty I could barely clean them. Hai...was tinking of taking leave on Monday or Wednesday and now my leave is approved...half day only, and unexpectantly. Gross...so suay for such things to happen.

I was cleaning up with some of the girls until I realise there were guys standing around. I'm ok the boss is not doing anything, but I'm seriously surprised to see the sales guys standing around trying to look important and not helping. I have never seen such ungentlemen ppl. Not one, but many. Most likely hating to get their shirts dirty. If it was sports club, all the guys would help. Gross. What is the world coming to. I just hate that 'pretending to look bz' look. Totall gross me out.

Didn't help much also. Left when the asst head left. Not sure what to do even. Pretty traumatized, cos the toxic smell was really getting into me. I guess the world is this practical. You only help those who will help u next time. That's sick!

It's really thankful that nothing was burnt. If the comp were all down, I would imagine alot of structural changes, meaning less bonus, less workers etc. Boss must be pretty pissed off. What a suay thing to happen. Worse it's the eve of the festival of light (fire). Oxymoronic isn't it? hah.

The World and God

I'm not a christian who gladly preaches to friends around in the hope of converting their religion. I don't do this because I hate the situation where what comes out of my mouth degrades God rather than upholds him.

I made a mistake in my speech today. My mom said that comment right in my face. You christians think that you are so holy and high up above that you don't seem to respect others. I was stunned and I don't know what to reply. I just kept quiet hoping that one day she can understand. I remembered my aunt talked to me about gentleness in christ. Gentleness does not mean you are weak, it merely shows your ability to control the situation by controlling your fustrations without making things worse. She said God will understand. But I still felt guilty cos I was a bad testimony to at least one person.

My brother is currently writing a 4000 word essay. I believed that is his first time doing the essy and seriously speaking, I haven't done so much words before yet. He has been pretty vexed over it because he seems to get stuck here and there. With his first experience, he is super confused about references and plagarism.

Worst, he is writing an essay about satanism. About how the ignorance of people are led to believe satanism is wrong and that it is the result of injustice in portrayal, by the media, by the people, by the church.

I feel so wrong just to help him with his essay. I saw the things he wrote and I just felt how could someone be brainwashed till any sane person reading it would cringe at the "facts" thrown in their faces.

I tried my best as a sister to offer him to edit his language. Imagine my dilema when he asked me to write the essay for him. My mum was part encouraging it cos she felt if he got fustrated he would throw temper again and that would not be good for his condition. I kept rejecting helping him until he chucked his half done essay and asked me to do a read through. I almost puked when I got to the 5th paragraph. I tried to change part of the language but realise I couldn't do it without him finishing the whole essay. So I told him the content is comprehendable, as in anybody could understand what he was trying to argue, but I guess acceptability is another problem. Or probably it's just me.

I feel a dread whenever I come back and he asks me to complete his essay. I'm caught between family and God. And worse of all, family who cannot understand the dilema they are putting me through. I want to tell him the facts are all wrong. (Mind you when you make an argument, you gotta look at both sides, ie, read the satanic bible as well as the christian bible then you argue).

I'm so scared he'll get so stress up he'll juz blow up. I got mad at my mom when she came to me quietly and asked me to help. She said my brother called for me. I heard him call, but he just called once and that could mean he figured things out. I got fustrated and slammed my hand on the table. I helped him nonetheless. I just cannot see why they cannot see the stressed up expression hanging on my face.

War Stories

Always liked war movies, not for the gore and the action involved, but for the emotions evoked. Strangely, war talks about death and most of the time the movies do not explain the reasons behind them. Maybe it's because the reasons for war are usually very lame, stemming from greed and ignorance or even for decoy causes. Most war happened because a majority group feels that that would be for the good of humanity, and thus uses this excuse for sacrificing human lives. Dying is easy, but losing someone who died is difficult. Amazingly, this point never seem to be highlighted. If so, I don't see the reason why wars are still raging.

Nice song here. Enjoy.

Letters from War -- Mark Schultz

She walked to the mailbox
On that bright summer's day
Found a letter from her son
In a war, far away
He spoke of the weather
And friends that he'd made
Said, "I'd been thinking 'bout Dad
And the life that he had
That's why I'm here today"
Then at the end he said
"You are what I'm fighting for"
It was the first of his letters from war

She started writing
You're good and you're brave
What a father that you'll be someday
Make it home, make it safe
She wrote every night as she prayed

And late in December
A day she'll not forget
Oh, her tears stained the paper
With every word that she read
It said, "I was up on a hill
I was out there alone
When the shots all rang out
And bombs were exploding
And that's when I saw him
He came back for me
Though he was captured
A man set me free
That man was your son
He asked me to write to you
I told him I would, oh I swore"
It was the last of the letters from war
And she prayed he was living
Kept on believing and wrote every night just to say

You are good and you're brave
What a father you'll be someday
Make it home, make it safe
Still, she kept writing each day
Then two years later
Autumn leaves all around
A car pulled in the driveway
And she fell to the ground
And out stepped a captain
Where her boy used to stand
He said, "Mom, I'm following orders
From all of your letters
And I've come home again"
He ran in to hold her
And dropped all his bags on the floor
Holding all of her letters from war
Bring him home
Bring him home
Bring him home

Everyday People - Nicole C. Mullen

Woah...finally a song that tells ppl to be neutral and live life peacefully. What's the use of bitching abt others and envying others. All comes in full circle. Hah. Super cute song. Ask me for the file!!!

Everyday People

Sometimes I'm right and I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my songs
The butcher, the banker, a drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I'm in
I am everyday people

Yeah,Yeah Listen

There is a blue one who can't accept
The green one for living with
the big one tryin' to be a skinny one
Different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on and scooby dooby dooby

Ooh sha sha
We gotta live together

I am no better and neither are you
We're all the same whatever we do
You love me you hate me
You know me and then
You can't figure out the bag I'm in
I am everyday people

Yall hear me when Im singing

There is a long hair
That doesn't like the short hair
For being such a rich one
That will not help the poor one
Different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on scooby dooby dooby

Ooh sha sha
See we got to live together

There is a yellow one that won't
Accept the black one
That won't accept the red one
That won't accept the white one

Different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on and
Scooby dooby dooby
Ooh sha sha
Well, I am everyday people

I am everday people (repeat twice)

Ooh Sha Sha
See we got to live together

Ooh Sha Sha
I said we got to live to together

I am everyday people

Memories

Will be staying with my granny over the weekend. All the members in the family are in discussion where granny will be locating to after granddad's death. But it seems like she doesn't want to shift anywhere. She however, asked for some of us to shift in with her from time to time.

My cousin said she was telling stories about her past yesterday. Her name was Kim Lian. The only name I ever knew she had. She however, told of a past none of us, not even her own children knew about. Her real name was Ah Sok, and she was an orphan who was sold not once but twice. Heard from my cousin that she mentioned that her life was hard, but the hardest was when she married Granddad. I just can't imagine the bitterness she was willing to forget and the love she had for him. I also cannot imagine how my granddad actually made her life horrible when in fact, he loved her deeply. Isn't it amazing?

My aunt is trying to write a family book. About the love story between my grandparents and how the family tree branches. I am anticipating how the stories unravel.

Got home late yesterday night. Had a good talk with my parents. I am trying to honour my parents as what God's commandments said. I want to follow what my grandpa asked me to do at his deathbed. Suddenly I missed my parents so much. Felt so much like a kid when I asked my dad if I could bunk it with them yesterday night. My dad gave an excited 'of cos' and asked me sleep between them. My mom, on hearing it refused said she'll have problem sleeping cos of the minimized space. I decided to bring in my own mattress!!!

Slept right under my dad. Felt like a kid all over again. I was sniffing throughout the night because of my sinus, and he actually turned to me and made sure I wasn't having a fever by putting his hand on my forehead to check the temperature. I felt so loved then. Still a daddy's little girl. Didn't imagine daddy would want me to sleep next to him again though. Felt really happy when he did.

I hope to be a changed person. Someone who understands and can be dependable. I know one day my parents will leave me like my granddad left his children. I don't want that to happen with regrets. I hope to have wonderful memories of my parents even when they are not around anymore. =)

Every hour is a bonus

The past few days have been a frenzy and definitely overwhelming. Time just seem to pass so fast. One minute I'm having my driving test, another I'm talking happily to my granny about the results. Next I'm visiting my granddad at the hospital, the rushing up to his ward halfway through dinner. Soon I was trembling with fear as the doctors tried to save him behind close curtains. Next, I see all my family members coming to see my granddad for the last time. I saw my granny crying her heart out yelling for the man she loved. I witnessed my granddad's baptism, then saw him wait for the return of his precious daughter and granddaughter until he breathed his last. I saw the last image of him in the hospital with all the machines disconnected as he lay peacefully on the bed.

Doctor said he was dead on Friday night. I was shooed away while they try to resuscitate him. He revived later. Doctor said it was a miracle. Now every hour was a bonus. I witnessed so many miracles. I saw for the first time a spiritual warfare in the family. My granddad talked to all of us even when he was unconscious. God is merciful and gracious. He was fighting the war for granddad's salvation.

It pained to hear what he said to granny. He said she was a lovely woman, very pretty. He was sorry he was bad to her before, and he said he had to go first. He said he loved her all the time althought it didn't seemed like it from his actions. And one day they will meet at the same place where they will be together again.

He spoke to everyone of us there. He held on until my aunt and cousin got back from Australia. I saw his heartbeat gradually decreasing from 80 to 0 for the two hours when he struggled. He said he was happy, very very happy. He said it was beautiful, the place he saw was beautiful.

His heart stopped a couple of times, and regained when more ppl came. He spoke until all gathered and he went away. Nobody cried. Everyone knew it was good.

God gave him more than 12 hours of bonus. It was a bonus to everyone. God is kind and merciful, he also gave him an eternity of bonus in paradise.

A song for a friend

You do what you have to do - Sarah McLachlan

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

A glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

Grandpa

Grandpa was admitted to the hospital yesterday. Got this crazy feeling he wouldn't be coming out. Heard he was throwing a tandrum in the hospital asking to be taken off help and medication. He underwent an operation and is currently in the ICU. Ppl never come out of ICU, just like ning.

Remembered the time he talked to me when we were alone. He kept saying he would feel better to die than to live off medication. To live is worse than death. I remember I couldn't reply anything. Cos I felt there was nothing I could do.

He used to bring me out when I was younger. Especially bringing me to piano lessons every week. He would wait outside the teacher's house, refusing to go in even when he was invited. He stood and waited outside for 45 mins, sometimes taking a smoke watching the peaceful lives of ppl go by.

Never imagined he'll age. Just like I never thought I'll grew up. Tried to sleep yesterday but kept tossing and turning. Not sure if it was a new place I was sleeping in or was is the worry. Things just didn't feel right.

Imagine losing a husband. I would be sad to lose wy. Always told him he can never die earlier than me cos I wouldn't know what to do. Selfish? Yes. Not sure how granny would feel if she lost grandpa. Maybe we think she wouldn't feel much. Ageism brings emotions to a subtle level, makes the aged unlike young ppl, when we actually all feel the same emotions to an event.

Darn. Makes me feel mercy is by letting him go. What is real? The pain of losing someone or the pain of seeing him suffering?

Dilemma

I called Raffles la salle and asked for some advice regarding fashion studies. I was hoping to go for an advance diploma which costs about 28000 bucks for 2 years part time course. The this advisor (Gladys) started telling me it's no point getting an advance diploma when I already have a degree in some other places. She was actually encouraging a certification in merchandising instead. That's when the dilemma starts.

Raffles la salle: 15000 for 18 months, no graduation
Nanyang academy for fine arts: 3600 for 18 months, fashion show a prerequisite for graduation

Seems like the choice is pretty obvious. But the thing is, raffles la salle is more well-known than nafa, different credibilities. And I'm quite afraid nafa only provides touch and go modules and I felt la salle was more professional. One is super cheap and another need to scrimp. And nafa is 5 bus stops away from my office!!!


What shd I do?

Comments?

Murmmurings...

Back in the office at 10 am in the morning. Hasn't done any work...seems like database is down...cross fingers: no work for today.

Lugged the lappie and things that I'd forgotten to ask my parents to bring to my granny's (damnit) to work. Super awfully heavy. The laptop itself is killing me. Not forgetting the strain on my thighs from the run on Saturday. It's a fricking 3.8 km and I actually walked!!! What the hell! Ran 4.5 km on Thursday and was still refreshed. Gross...worse run ever, and I lost to my dad!!!!

Came in 6th!!! haha imagine that! The winner was stick thin! She reminds me of somebody in Africa. Maybe I'll get first if all my lards were off. This is the fattest I've ever felt in all my years as a human being. I think I'm officially going overweight!!! Arggh...the weighing scale is groaning under my weight!

Will be staying at my granny for about a week. Shall use this time to concentrate on my driving. I want to pass!!! I don't want to fail...it means another 300 bucks of which I am reluctant to give at all!!!! BBDC earns too much money! haha (will i be sued for libel? newspaper been talking about that lately...where's the free speech regime??)

I feel so bored lately, keep feeling pukish and having super bad headaches. I think the symptoms are due to something called 'workphobia'. Must be. I need to have something in my life to look forward... I want so many things!!! Why can't ppl be happy juz to be alive and not want anything? Arggh!

If I was that I'll probably be a nun, praying and knocking on the rock. But then again, I'll still have headaches and feelings of pukiness cos I'll be doing mundane work like knocking on the rock!***

Gross. I need some direction!!!

As you can see this entry is probably just crap and in case u actually spent time reading it...thank you for your time!

But since u r already here...might as well tell u more about myself.... hahaha

There are so many things I want to do!!!
1) Shopping madness
2) Spa retreat
3) Go perth and stone for a month
4) Go anywhere else as long as I'm not anywhere near Singapore
5) Sit and stone at home watch anime
6) Slim down!
7) Take a fashion course

As you can see, all these have nothing to do with work! Hai...life is boring! Somebody pls excite my life to the max!

As I've already told you, this entry is total murmurrings..so thanks for your time again...

Now you can see I have so much time at work with nothing to do today... I actually stopped my entry at *** (view above) and did some online window shopping b4 i continued.

Hai...I love the slack really...but life is so so so so so so so so boring. I think of nothing but food. Hai...

ok enough...timeout!