The World and God

I'm not a christian who gladly preaches to friends around in the hope of converting their religion. I don't do this because I hate the situation where what comes out of my mouth degrades God rather than upholds him.

I made a mistake in my speech today. My mom said that comment right in my face. You christians think that you are so holy and high up above that you don't seem to respect others. I was stunned and I don't know what to reply. I just kept quiet hoping that one day she can understand. I remembered my aunt talked to me about gentleness in christ. Gentleness does not mean you are weak, it merely shows your ability to control the situation by controlling your fustrations without making things worse. She said God will understand. But I still felt guilty cos I was a bad testimony to at least one person.

My brother is currently writing a 4000 word essay. I believed that is his first time doing the essy and seriously speaking, I haven't done so much words before yet. He has been pretty vexed over it because he seems to get stuck here and there. With his first experience, he is super confused about references and plagarism.

Worst, he is writing an essay about satanism. About how the ignorance of people are led to believe satanism is wrong and that it is the result of injustice in portrayal, by the media, by the people, by the church.

I feel so wrong just to help him with his essay. I saw the things he wrote and I just felt how could someone be brainwashed till any sane person reading it would cringe at the "facts" thrown in their faces.

I tried my best as a sister to offer him to edit his language. Imagine my dilema when he asked me to write the essay for him. My mum was part encouraging it cos she felt if he got fustrated he would throw temper again and that would not be good for his condition. I kept rejecting helping him until he chucked his half done essay and asked me to do a read through. I almost puked when I got to the 5th paragraph. I tried to change part of the language but realise I couldn't do it without him finishing the whole essay. So I told him the content is comprehendable, as in anybody could understand what he was trying to argue, but I guess acceptability is another problem. Or probably it's just me.

I feel a dread whenever I come back and he asks me to complete his essay. I'm caught between family and God. And worse of all, family who cannot understand the dilema they are putting me through. I want to tell him the facts are all wrong. (Mind you when you make an argument, you gotta look at both sides, ie, read the satanic bible as well as the christian bible then you argue).

I'm so scared he'll get so stress up he'll juz blow up. I got mad at my mom when she came to me quietly and asked me to help. She said my brother called for me. I heard him call, but he just called once and that could mean he figured things out. I got fustrated and slammed my hand on the table. I helped him nonetheless. I just cannot see why they cannot see the stressed up expression hanging on my face.