Grandpa

Grandpa was admitted to the hospital yesterday. Got this crazy feeling he wouldn't be coming out. Heard he was throwing a tandrum in the hospital asking to be taken off help and medication. He underwent an operation and is currently in the ICU. Ppl never come out of ICU, just like ning.

Remembered the time he talked to me when we were alone. He kept saying he would feel better to die than to live off medication. To live is worse than death. I remember I couldn't reply anything. Cos I felt there was nothing I could do.

He used to bring me out when I was younger. Especially bringing me to piano lessons every week. He would wait outside the teacher's house, refusing to go in even when he was invited. He stood and waited outside for 45 mins, sometimes taking a smoke watching the peaceful lives of ppl go by.

Never imagined he'll age. Just like I never thought I'll grew up. Tried to sleep yesterday but kept tossing and turning. Not sure if it was a new place I was sleeping in or was is the worry. Things just didn't feel right.

Imagine losing a husband. I would be sad to lose wy. Always told him he can never die earlier than me cos I wouldn't know what to do. Selfish? Yes. Not sure how granny would feel if she lost grandpa. Maybe we think she wouldn't feel much. Ageism brings emotions to a subtle level, makes the aged unlike young ppl, when we actually all feel the same emotions to an event.

Darn. Makes me feel mercy is by letting him go. What is real? The pain of losing someone or the pain of seeing him suffering?