heartache

imagine there's a person who's singing this song to his/her beloved.
that is pure heartache. heartache is when you can actually feel the pain in your heart...not merely saying it...but not having the strength to say it when you feel it...when your whole world collapse...when you have nothing to live for...no aims and purpose. heartache is when u lie in bed and wished u were invisible...wishing it would be day the whole day...cos when nighttime comes...the devil robs you of your soul. heartache is when you live because u wanna show others that you are alive...it's when u try to save wha's left of ur dignity. heartache kills...it doesn't kill u totally but makes u a half dead... and the only pain that could get rid of it would be when u r dead. you cry urself to sleep...you stop crying bcos the tears have dried...you try to rip urself apart so that you can sooth the pain...but sadly...the only person who can help u is the one who wouldn't help.

that is sad isn't it? i feel sad for them. for both of them. the pain is hard to describe.

******************
醒来只有我一个人
分不清黄昏或清晨
空气微冷有甚么在流逝
慢慢降温一颗心往下沉

毕竟只是太短的梦
彼此终于退回陌生
我加上你两个人并不等于我们

你想我吗 会偶尔想我吗
是这样吗 飞扬的会落下
你爱我吗 如果诚实回答
可是爱也不是解答

空屋子里没有回声
等我记忆有你质问
我加上你两个人却并不等于我们

你想我吗 会偶尔想我吗
是这样吗 飞扬的会落下
你爱我吗 如果诚实回答
可是爱也让人疲乏

你知道吗 我心快要溶化
是这样吗 压抑的会爆发
你爱我吗 爱我就懂我吗
告诉我善意的谎话

告诉我善意的谎话
好让我相信我不是太傻
******************

想用一杯Latte把你灌醉
好让你能多爱我一点
暗恋的滋味 你不懂这种感觉
早有人陪的你永远不会
看见你和他在我面前 证明我的爱只是愚昧
你不懂我的 那些憔悴
是你永远不曾过的体会
为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解
我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切
你又狠狠逼退 我的防备 静静关上门来默数我的泪
明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会
我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天
直到那一天 你会发现 真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲
曾经我以为我自己会后悔 不想爱的太多痴心绝对
为你落第一滴泪 为你做任何改变 也唤不回你对我的坚决

!!!

i can't believe i finish the whole pack of bee hoon!!!!
the worst thing is i cannot even taste it other than the burning sensation of my mouth from the green chilli....how did i enjoy eating that? wierd.

disappointment

oh man...so disappointed with my tuition kid today..it was horrible.
she's like ultra smart...budden super heck care. the thing is she just dun take things seriously...and i find myself very demoralised when i really wanna teach her and she doesn't care a damn if she learns a darn thing or not. and the worst comes when her parents expect her to improve....how to improve when i push and she's not budging?! i dun know how to get her to understand why she has to study...imagine at 10 and u're wondering wad's the use of education? oh man...it juz feels totally grossed out.

there she was asking me why i have such a bad flu...but can't she see that i'm here bcos i dun wan another lag...dun wan another homework not done...dun wanna be progressing slow. hmmm...come to think of it...i dun even think i'm progressing...gross...i think i'm a real bad teacher. yeah..i m. gross

monday

haven't been blogging in a while...realised nothing much happened in the past week too. school has started and i've been pretty much bumming around...trying to enjoy wad's left of my school days.

it's really wierd cos u see how u changed from young to now. i remember telling my mom i'd wish i could be an adult quickly when i was young. could always remember her expression when she said i'll regret wad i said. yeah...am i regretting it? hah. yes and no.

she was just telling her about her growing up yesterday. asked her if she felt afraid when she got married...and she said she was just too young to understand. too young. she gave birth to my bro when she was 22. i'm graduating at that age. she said she didn't even know what fear was when she had my bro. to her everything was the same. they were pretty much brought up to think this is part of life. wad about us then? graduates think too much i think. i always thought studying university was part of life. i always thought my dad gave me quite abit of direction. primary, secondary, tertiary (university only). he didn't mention about marriage. (!!!!) he did mention getting a bf after uni days....but well.. so how now?

counting down to my last days of studying... embarrass to mention it...but i think you'll have to tear me from the walls of EA on the day of graduation. i love nus too much to let it go. or shd i say the freedom before adulthood?

today

went to visit granny today...finally discharged...on the day when she'll receive her baptism! hahaha.

walked into the ward to be greeted by many ppl..all coming to witness the baptism at the hospital...saw my granny and was going to take a bite of my lunch when my aunt asked if i have seen my grandpa. i was like 'whhaaa?'

seemed like he was admitted yesterday...the ward adjacent to my granny...the moment i walked in i went like,' ah gong...ni tai xiang popo le ar? haha...he cannot hear me la...but the rest of us were giggling...

it was quite wierd...my granny was really worried abt my grandad knowing that she was baptized...cos he didn't like it...all the daughters in the family were christians and the sons weren't...so imagine her fear when she always think of herself being converted. she felt she would be condemned by the males in the family...but one thing she hadn't realise...all her sons treat her like a god...as long as she like it was what they said.

three of my uncles attended the baptism...and she was really happy about it..cos i asked her secretly...and she didn't dare to show her happiness during the baptism...cos my grandad was around as well. ha ha ha. my aunts actually thought of baptizing him too... they say kill two birds with one stone...but my grandad is not really into this...tried talking about it to him before...it was a scary experience. hai..

heard from eno (the maid) that grandad was waiting for granny the whole day at the void deck yesterday...cos he was waiting for my granny to be discharged...was suppose to be discharged yesterday...but the doctor made her stay for another day. my granny was pretty upset cos he said my grandad cannot take anxiety and excitment. he has a weak heart. that whole event to me...was a love story. haa...never thought my grandparents loved each other before...cos i heard from my mom both were arranged marriage and my grandad used to be a wife beater in his younger days. imagine that. care for each other without the affectionate hugs and kisses. they were shy even when asked to take pics tog...haa..so lovely.

the cousins were brought there as usual...little vivianne, keanne and sheanne...they were really excited about the hospital...running here and there... vivianne is a really curious one. as her mom and i were fetching them back from the playground...she wandered towards another direction....to the lift lobby. there she saw a disabled man on a wheel chair...she curiously went to take a look at the missing legs...turned back to us and said...'ma..he has no legs' i was baffled...kids are so funny....and bold...haa. i guess that's one of the plus to have kids...then my aunt started saying,' well.. he has no legs but he is strong...' but she has already wandered towards my grandad's ward. seriously i dun think i know how to answer then....if my child were to say that. haa.

juz came back from the hospital...juz feel wierd...granny's baptized...i'm not...maybe that shd be my next step...my aunts were telling another relative abt the miracle my granny went through...she was so horrible the last weekend...and she got so much better over the last few days...haa..christ's blessings...how i wish my dad will come church with me too...now that his precious mom is converted...hah...shall drop hints to him abt it.

b4 the baptism...there is this uncle who was urging my grandpa to go witness the baptism...he was ning's dad. it was really wierd...cos he wasn't a believer...my aunt was telling me abt him not going church...she said when ning died...he went to church after a month of her funeral...and he stood up during altar call... but he didn't go church from then on....he said he had too many sins (he was quite the black sheep in the family)...but if there is a god he would believe it would be jesus christ. it was wierd...he wants to be a follower but he feared he would contaminate the religion and that's y he stayed away...then my aunt was like saying...would a healthy person need a doctor? hmm...made sense

haa...many thoughts today...looked at ppl all around me recently and i realise the less i look at myself...the more i understood the surroundings... last sunday the pastor was juz saying... sumtimes the less u do something...the more realization you'll get....contradicting...but yeah..true

gross

went to visit my granny yesterday....have been accompanying her the past few days...and guess wad....she'll be baptised today...at the hospital! very fwah!

my second uncle visited yesterday with his wife and grand daughter. i dun even know wad her name is. and seriously i think she could be called brat. there she was... screaming for a can of coke as she walks into the ward...and then i offered to take her to the 7 eleven to buy for her...and she refused. went all the way down and got the coke for her...and guess wad...she dun wan it. refused to take it from my hands...practically pretending i'm not there while she was trying to climb up a railing. i was so afraid she'll bite my head off and i had to look for her grandparents for help. wad a niece! then she gladly took the coke from her grandpa...refusing to thank me for it....worse little kid i've hanged out with. then there she was running from one ward to another ward...non stop...with her little nike sneakers slapping against the polished floor...with all the grannys in the ward staring at her making the din....at the point of moment a song sprang up into my mind. 'there she goes...there she goes again...' and there she went...running non stop....i'm starting to hate her already...hah...and guess my granny din realli like her too. hah. she was like saying she'll be worse if they do not teach her now.

back to the hair-raising issue! now i'm fantasia tanrino...according to wy...he is being very nice already... but according to me...if there's anybody who's going to describe me...he/she will probably say,' oh look, there's the nun' or 'oh that's so sad...she must be going through chemo', or 'oh...a boy' or 'oh...what an ugly girl..' or 'oh...no..' gross. one month of staying tanrino style...so scared to look in the mirror...it's horrible... damage control was done but still as horrible...if u think it's horrible now...it was ten times worse b4...i hate the woman arggh

parents haven't seen it yet...but i think my mom will laugh her head off...my dad will be shocked...and my brother will say ' why so ugly' duh. seriously i look more like the patient than a visitor when i step into nuh...gross.

fucking retard

a great part of me wants to kill a woman now..
the stupid woman who tried to cut my hair until she realises it's a tad bit too short..
until she keeps telling me all it does is a little bit of styling..
man....u shd have seen her attempt to style it..
i look like a kid whose picking up trash..
and guess wad...she didn't see that her cuts were all uneven...and she told me done...
gross...wish i could juz give her a tight slap.
after waiting for 100 mins she gave me this....and b4 that...the salon attendant din even mention abt the waiting...gross..
fucking retard is not referring to her...it me btw...that's how i look...side burns so short i look like an eediot...she says the classic cut...u mean er... the retard cut...and to think u paid a fucking 26 bucks for a hairdo which only requires a person of an IQ of 10 to do. snip snip...opps..ok

btw the shop is pro trim...in west mall...the fucking 'hairdresses' is an aunty...gross...only aunty around anyway...thought i was young enough to be bullied...gross