End 2005

Can't believe the year pass so fast. It definitely wasn't a breeze. I wouldn't say any year was a breeze. In fact, I seem to get even more depress towards the end of the year which I'm not sure why. Every year it seems to get more depressing. It's like counting down to the day you die. One year passed and I looked back with nice memories, only to be overwhelmed by the fact that nice things finish fast and bad things might come even faster. The funny thing about this year end is, I found myself thinking which are the places where there might be terrorist attacks or natural disasters. Call me a pessimist. Or maybe the resultant effect of holiday blues. Either way, I just don't feel good about year endings.

This year has definitely been overwhelming, and I thought 2004 was overwhelming enough. Hah. But sad to say, this year hasn't been really that positive. There were so many depressing months and I think there might be more to come.

This is what happened personally for year 2005:
1) Celebrated my 22nd birthday --> March 22nd, so 22nd birthday seemed significant.
2) Graduated from NUS
3) Visited Bangkok
4) Went China and conquered the Great Wall of China
5) Started on my first job
6) Got my first pay of $10000, but pity, I didn't save any. Well, maybe next year.
7) Left Ridge View Residences, aka, EA (I still miss it!)
8) Shopped at G2000 for shirts and pants
9) Pass my Driving (never in my life I think I would pass!)
10) Baptism of my paternal grandparents
11) Death of my beloved Grandpa
12) Experienced God's Miracles
13) Fattest weight I ever been ---> 51.5kg (damn!)
14) Celebrated my 5th year with Wenyao
15) Bought my first digital camera
16) Cousin Kai-ian was born


Just to note, only those which are in bold are events that are worth smiling about. The rest are well..quite sucky. I'm sure there are many more things i did this year but I just couldn't remember them, or at least too depressing to even list them out. Yeah, so that's about it. Not going for countdown or spending the eve with anyone.

All in all, I do think this is a depressing year. I feel so boring I would kill myself to spend my entire life with this sort of person. Gross. 'Happy' New Year everyone!

Comments

Can someone pls comment on my interpersonal/communication skills? You may be vicious and blunt.

Photos! (Finally...=))

Took a 3 day leave from Monday to Wednesday this week. Photos are finally uploaded. Haha..a good time to test out my camera. Some other photos are still in another card...I actually brought out the 16MB card that came with the camera! haha. Shall post the rest later. Here's a few on East Coast Picnic!


Breakfast at the coffee shop


That's the problem going out as a couple. Always solo picture. It's either me or him. hahaha. Same breakfast at the coffee shop!


On the way to East Coast. A desperate attempt to put my face in the picture. There! A 2 person pic..the only one actually. Hahaha.


Picnic!


Our food! All prepared by the Queen in the next pic!


The Queen with the cutesy hotdog!


The zebra with his hotdog..hahaha...jk


Picture taken lying in the sun(shade)..haha.


A little burnt after blading..fun!





Going home pics! Check out the skyline. Beautiful!

ok Next!

I decided to lump all the pics together...here's what I took this morning at the office.


Introducing Mini Zee!


Mini Zee(bra). Haha!


Pretty Zee and dashing Zee. Hahaha.


Wenyao faking it at the workplace. Hahaha..secretly took one.

Did I ever say my workplace is like a battlefield? It's either kill or be killed (office politics!) Initially it was like this...


Then it became like this...


ie..many ppl involve. Hahaha!

My kind of coffee

You Are a Double Espresso Hey Energizer Bunny Girl! Do you ever slow down? You're a mix of high energy and ambition, perfectly matched with strong espresso When you want something you get it - by any means possible You're driven, determined, and no nonsense. Which is just how you like your java. What Kind Of Coffee Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Well...a step further to know how's the real McCoy like.

The Real McCoy

Which is the real me?

The one at work.
The one with my family.
The one with Wenyao.
The one with my friends.
The one when I'm by myself.


Or is it the one that has the combination of all? So it probably means I'm faking it part of the time when I'm with people.

Gross.

Which is the real me then?

Hoooo...

Not sure what to write for the title but I got something BIG to announce. Wenyao is now my colleague! First time working with him...haha..thought will be exciting..but not at all. It's just the same. Hoo..

He's working as a temp here but he sure is more serious than the full time worker typing here. hahaha.

Hai...I feel so sleepy I want to sing out loud to keep me awake. At least work will be like ktv session, something a little more fun! Haha. Feel abit gien to sing along with the songs in my ipod. Gross. I can only mouth them out. At least when I work from home I sing out loud, to keep myself awake. Bad for my brother's ears but good for my energy. hahaha.

Blabbering blabbering blabbering.

Hooo...(crap!)

Dying

Hey ppl,

I may not have so much time left on earth. In fact, I think I may be dying soon. Never in my life have I seen so many arrows in my direction. All sharp and destined to hit the bull's eye.

The Boss should try going for the SEA games or the Olympics. The game will be won by him. Hahaha.

In case I died sooner. Everyone... I love u.


*This entry is written during a period where the writer is going through a pre-death withdrawal syndrome* =p

Sports Club

Couldn't sleep, kept having a nagging feeling of something amiss. Suddenly remembered the cd jeanette gave to each of us during her bday. Took out the cd and started watching (first time watching to be exact)...saw all the crazy things that we did during the time when we were running MC. Cannot imagine doing those things now, just didn't seem right. Or is it because the crowd is no longer the same, setting different as well.

Think my whole NUS life was almost affliated with sports club. Got into windsurfing at a tender age of 19, scrapped myself dry going to east coast three times a week just so that the club can earn money! hahaha. Bus ride is 90 mins, plus the early wake ups and bus fare (which sadly, cannot be claimed..).

Joined sports club in year two, although it stopped b4 I took my last endearing step into year 3, the hostel was like a mini sports club. So many of us were staying there, meetups still often. Hai. Those were the days.

Great...I can't sleep and I m reminising. Goodness...is there someone who is feeling like me now? I miss playing whose line. I think I lost the vibe.

Hahahaha...arrgh!

I have every reason to believe I'm turning to be very optimistic! Was staring at my reflection in the train for the whole of the trip from Raffles Place to Bukit Batok, when a thought struck me. "What just happened today besides work today?"

Being the very 'optimistic' me. This thought just flashed momentarily in my face: One day down to retirement!

What a goal. Lifetime goal somemore. I was still thinking I was goaless this morning. Oh man.

Work

Got this poem from Alice's blog. Nice love poem.

"Love Story of Work"

Monday waits for Wednesday
But Wednesday only cares about Friday
And Friday loves Saturday
While Saturday's brother, Sunday, avoids Monday

Inspired by her, I began a search (with the help of my colleague) of another literary work.

"Office Prayer"

Dear Lord,

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change

The courage
To change the things I cannot accept,

And the Wisdom
To hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also,
Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today

As they maybe connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow

Yeaps...what a way to express office politics. A great "Work" of art!

Whoever said work was mundane? Work is so 'expressive' after all! Hah.

When in Rome, do as Romans do

Nguyen Tuong Van's name has been mentioned ever so recently by the press lately. Sadly his end came to a stop yesterday. Saw Straits Times reporting an article that australia is divided into two with two differing opinions. One who's against the death penalty and one who's for the death penalty.

Read through the comments from this link :http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=75556 , got kinda of mixed up after that. The whole scenario is sad, I do agree. Who doesn't feel a pinch of emotion when you know someone is going to die and you can't stop it. But as far as I'm concerned, death penalty may not be the most humane methods of punishment, but to be objective, the problem here lies in the fact that death penalty for drug trafficking in Singapore will lead to corporal punishment, and if you traffic drugs, you have to bear the consequences.

Some say he didn't have a choice because he was trying to raise funds to repay debts, but I guess by going through the trafficking routine, he should probably know there's a chance of getting caught. If not, why would someone pay you such a huge amount to drug traffic? I believe he should have done his homework before taking such a huge risk, especially by taking his chances to go through customs in countries with capital punishments. I wouldn't think he would assume he wouldn't get caught no matter what.

Some of the comments said how Singapore is so inhumane, barbaric etc etc. Came to one anti-death penalty's comment. I guess the sentence he/she wrote kind of struck me.

"I have read a number of feedbacks. Though opinions are varied, there are really just two groups of people; one who respect life and the other who doesn't."

By saying death penalty is not a form of respect for human lives, what about saying him bringing 26000 doses of heroin to his destination? Is that a form of respect for lives as well? Drugs lead to bad consequences, I just can't imagine how many will be affected by the 26000 doses of drugs. Has he any respect for human life as well? I don't believe that ever crossed his mind.

But I guess I felt kinda proud being a Singaporean in a sense. The country hasn't shifted its decision from pressure of a bigger country. Every house has its own rules, you just have to abide by them. Like one commenter said, "When in Rome, do as Romans do". There were rules, but he just chose to break it. So don't blame the rules, the choice was given, but the decision was his.

Vindicated

Was listening to dashboard confessional's vindicated when i suddenly remembered the first time i heard the song. Was when the sports camp gang was on our way to west coast park. huiying was singing rather unabashedly to the song. It was fun. Remembered the details from the trip, all of us climbing up the pyramid web. Me looking up at the skies thinking how vast the world was and how minute I am. How beautiful it will be to just lie soaking up the sun. I felt vindicated then, not sure why. Maybe it's because of the freedom.

That was when I started listening to dashboard's song. Many of which I liked. Those were the days. I felt excited when I heard this song. Not sure why, probably was the emotions that it brought. The carefree time of school days, full of fun and laughter.

Wierd thing is that when I heard it now at work, only brings sadness. Wistfullness. The fun that has passed. Time to get down to business. I stopped listening to rock, makes me queasy. Maybe that's the cost of growing up? No wonder my dad never like rock music. I'm feeling old. Instead of being vindicated, I think I'm far from it.

Arguments

I hate arguments. Realised there's alot of things which i hate recently. I hate to argue my way through trying to justify why i am broke. Cos I know many wont understand. I'm not sure the reason why I am broke. But I do know how much I spent to make myself broke. Gross. So when friends keep asking me why I am broke I feel fustrated. Cos there's no reason to be, because I cannot find the things which caused me to be broke. Then friends assume I spent too much, which I find it wierd because I seriously dunno where my money went to. That is exasperating but I seriously do not blame them. So not to worry. So sorry both of you have to fight over it. I'm sorry.

My dad assumed I sm not humble enough when he was guiding me as I drove. Almost got into an accident today, which totally freaked me out. He kept nagging non stop and I couldn't concentrate at all, and I started yelling back. Then he got angry and both of us were yelling in the car. I'm starting to get a phobia of driving. It ends up in arguments and my hands growing damn cold. Worse, with him assuming that I'm not listening and learning everytime I asked him to shut up his damn mouth.

I know he was trying to teach me. But I can't learn everything all at once when I'm looking at the road and listening. He started arguing that I shouldn't switch on the car radio in the beginning. I was baffled. The radio was suppose to calm me down.

I stopped arguing. Got tired. Because at the end of it he was still assuming that I wasn't listening and I was not humble enough, when during the whole trip I was trying to take in everything I have learnt. I totally gave up. Couldn't stop crying while driving and he just kept talking about how weak I was. Did I ever mention playing tennis with him was always a full 2 hours of scolding? How I didn't play well, why my shots were so bad etc etc. It is tough being the daughter of a perfectionist dad. Did he ever knew I was trying my best to be his perfect daughter? Nothing is impossible is his motto.

My mom asked me not to drive anymore. No point arguing everytime I drive. My dad doesn't believe in phobia, but I have a phobia of driving, because it leads to unhappy moments. and I hate it. This is the worst argument we ever had. He refused to listen to what I said and just kept assuming what he was thinking. Arguing never works. It merely tires ppl out.

I am so tired. So many relationships. I think it's tough to have so many relationships. You gotta keep caring about others and it's tiring. I know that thinking is selfish, but who the hell cared about you when you are trying to explain yourself? Everyone just keep assuming. I may be guilty of that at times too, I don't deny. It's a human tragedy.

off work

am starting to feel dreadful about work. although there are new things to learn. i guess it's the politics which is affecting me. i feel so vulnerable. sucks big time. wished it was holiday everyday.

told wy i want to be a homemaker next time, take care of the kids and not work. he said ok. hard to imagine ppl will say that now. but can't be for real la..how to survive. everything so expensive.

gross...knew work was gonna be lidat. hate this kind of mundane life. i'm back to counting down the nine hours every day. gross. the work never gets finish. worse is the politics seems to be worse. i hate the feeling of trusting the wrong person.

Nightmares

I hate them. Been having them for the past few weeks. Whether it's reliving the past or a new fear all over again, they're always making me wake up shivering and in cold sweat. Not forgetting the urge to cry whenever my eyes blinked open. It's a habit. I cry when I have nightmares, combined with trembling hands and a cold back.

They make me feel so tired the next morning. Like I've just ran miles or woke up in the middle of the night just to act out the whole scenario. So tiring. Sometimes they are so real they keep bugging me the day after. I hate it. Lethargic sets in after days of bad dreams.

Just woke up from one. Like the past came flashing right before my eyes. Amazingly, I experience the same emotions too. Worse, is the feeling when you wake up and you thought it was real, until the next moment when the trembling stops, you realise it's all just a bad dream. Hopefully these images will be kept in the arena of unreality...at least for a long long time. It's like the ghosts of the past comes to haunt you all the time. To force you to remember the things you want to forget. Gross.

Gonna give wenyao a surprise later! Haha. In cahoots with zw. He shall jio him out and I shall appear. I didn't tell wy I took leave today! Was planning to go spageddies then go watch harry potter! Haha today is our 59th month...I know many don't celebrate monthsary. We do not actually, don't even know if wy remembers the date...hah. But it's nice to have something to look forward to every month right. One more month to 5th year. Can only say this when I think back - 'Wah Seh!'.

Haa...just now called my mom! She so nice. Agreed to help me pay for my digi cam first. Yeah!!! She actually asked me to use my dad's money first, which is in my bank. She say if my dad finds out, she'll take care of the problem and put money back! Hohoho. Shall check if it's a bargain first b4 buying...if not i'll buy next year. Yeah. Mum's the best! (Geez, I'm so fickle)

Nightmares

I hate them. Been having them for the past few weeks. Whether it's reliving the past or a new fear all over again, they're always making me wake up shivering and in cold sweat. Not forgetting the urge to cry whenever my eyes blinked open. It's a habit. I cry when I have nightmares, combined with trembling hands and a cold back.

They make me feel so tired the next morning. Like I've just ran miles or woke up in the middle of the night just to act out the whole scenario. So tiring. Sometimes they are so real they keep bugging me the day before. I hate it. Lethargic sets in after days of bad dreams.

Just woke up from one. Like the past came flashing right before my eyes. Amazingly, I experience the same emotions too. Worse, is the feeling when you wake up and you thought it was real, until the next moment when the trembling stops, you realise it's all just a bad dream. Hopefully these images will be kept in the arena of unreality...at least for a long long time. It's like the ghosts of the past comes to haunt you all the time. To force you to remember the things you want to forget. Gross.

Gonna give wenyao a surprise later! Haha. In cahoots with zw. He shall jio him out and I shall appear. I didn't tell wy I took leave today! Was planning to go spageddies then go watch harry potter! Haha today is our 59th month...I know many don't celebrate monthsary. We do not actually, don't even know if wy remembers the date...hah. But it's nice to have something to look forward to every month right. One more month to 5th year. Can only say this when I think back - 'Wah Seh!'.

Haa...just now called my mom! She so nice. Say can help me pay for my digi cam first. Yeah!!! She actually asked me to use my dad's money first, which is in my bank. She say if my dad finds out, she'll take care of the problem then put money back! Hohoho. Shall check if it's a bargain first b4 buying...if not i'll buy next year. Yeah. Mum's the best! (Geez, I'm so fickle)

Zee's appetite

My appetite as you have possibly assumed, has greatly increase. Seriously, I've been trying hard to find the motivation for my appetite, which I have unable to discover. If not I would be pretty slim by now.

What I ate today (final check @ 3.08pm)

1) Honey drink in the morning (every morning a must)

2) Chicken essence (a must after a nightmare about the acapolypse woke me up in the middle of the nite)

3) one soya bean milk (large portion, minus the sugar)

4) one bowl of century egg with pork porriage (for lunch)

5) chicken salad (before I created this entry!)

Gross...now u noe why i ain't getting slimmer no matter how i try (or rather don't try!) Oh man. Somebody zip my mouth!

Now you know why I'm so broke. I spent a fricking $1.00 (soya milk) + $2.50 ( porriage) + $3.80 (chicken salad) = $7.30 on food for half a day. Damn!

Thank you dedication

Haa...shall dedicate this post to wenyao after what he said to me over msn. I love you so so so so much!

¤§pä®k|ꤙ: dear u there?

sCrAtCh : yup

sCrAtCh : y?

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : nothing

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : life's no longer a blast

sCrAtCh : wats wrong?

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : life's no blast anymore

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : i no longer have a blasting life

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : everything is spelled boring

sCrAtCh : no lah dear

sCrAtCh : i'll plan surprises and outing after my exams k?

sCrAtCh : starting with the macritchie bridge

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : realli

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : =)

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : that certainly brought a smile..

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : haha in a long long time

sCrAtCh : i wan to spend time with u dear

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : i noe

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : that was nice

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : i like that

¤§pä®k|ꤙ : it really made me happy

Haa...pen everything down cos I want to remember that. Life's a little blastful after all..hahaha. *I'm seriously easily contented huh?*

Wooo hooo...i smiled!!!

Sunday Blues

There's a reason I hate sundays. It's one day before work, which previously was school. Damn.

I hate sundays! I'm dreading to go to work. There's like so many things that is suppose to be done, not forgetting that I'm way short of schedule. I'm supposed to finish some stuffs by Monday, but I did not. I was seriously pissed off at that deadline because I thought it was humanly impossible. (I would not regard working full time plus extra time on weekends as humane behaviour. If you seriously do that, I think you should either get a life or declare to your boss that you are underpaid, or under-welfared!) Arggh.

I feel super pissed the whole weekend. Think it's because of the thought that my boss gave me an impossible task. It's like catching air. My god. And being the perfectionist me, I'm super pek cek with myself for not being able to complete a task. Damn. So bottomline, I think I am only angry with myself for not being motivated to get the work done. Damn. I hate that.

Arrgh. Sometimes I think I don't even know how to write entries already. I find myself utilising all my brain cells just to think of keeping up a blog, ie, find something to write. As you can see, the interest has pretty much died down, which is seriously a pity, cos I LOVE TO WRITE! OMG.

I guess working life does changes people. I don't find myself getting excited at things anymore. Whatever happened to 'young at heart'. I feel the same age as what my body is feeling seriously. Lethargic and oldish. Old old old old maid. Gross.

Wish I was young again. I mean wish to feel young again. What was it that was so enticing about youth? The romance, the friends and the excitability over everything and anything (ok, the last part is jus me...I am..or I used to be an easily excited person..hah).

*groan* no wonder i don't feel youthful. All these things are gone. Where have all the bitches gone anywayz? Life was fun when it was a bitch. Gross. I miss being young. Oh man.

PS: Did I mention I was fat? or I mean I got fatter? Gross...the world is decreasing..everybody is minute! Puny! why am I the one increasing? It's like all the fat in the world just found a way to my tummy. Hohoho. Shit. I must slim down. Christmas is coming. *Groan*

Evil being

I did something totally bad today. It came by chance. Just didn't expect to see the information that was revealed so quickly and easily. I don't deny I was searching for it last year and the months after, but after so long, the feeling of obtaining it sort of just went away. I'm not going to mention what 'it' is. I'm just too ashamed to say it out blatantly.

Gross. It has been such a shock that I'm seen scrumaging through the information that I've not realised it's way past 230am. I think some people would have been totally fed up with me to know what I did. Two people know though. Gross.

Realised I've been very tolerant of people. Sometimes to the extent that I got too understanding? Maybe I assume people would continually be sad over some stuffs, not to realise that many are actually optimistic and got over things damn fast. I am in a state of shock. It's like I have been carrying a burden and worrying over something which, in the first place, I shouldn't even be considering. Worse, is all the bad profiling I get after what I never done only to find that the person who profiled me as a bad person got over things so damn fast.

I feel so bad for being evil. I feel so bad for letting friends and family worry over something that is mundane all because I thought there was a justification for my situation in the past. I was sad because I assumed I hurt someone and that I did something unforgivable.

There's a rage going on inside me. But at the same time a lightness of being. Something can finally be get over and done with. A baggage cleared, a load off. But there's the prescence of sadness, a portion of life wasted, a huge dash of energy released. Not forgetting the effort of the people who were constantly trying to maneuvour me in the right direction in life. I'm sorry and I thank you.

It's consternation all over again. Only thing is the burden is lighter, life feels uglier and prettier both at the same time. Wierd.