Evil being

I did something totally bad today. It came by chance. Just didn't expect to see the information that was revealed so quickly and easily. I don't deny I was searching for it last year and the months after, but after so long, the feeling of obtaining it sort of just went away. I'm not going to mention what 'it' is. I'm just too ashamed to say it out blatantly.

Gross. It has been such a shock that I'm seen scrumaging through the information that I've not realised it's way past 230am. I think some people would have been totally fed up with me to know what I did. Two people know though. Gross.

Realised I've been very tolerant of people. Sometimes to the extent that I got too understanding? Maybe I assume people would continually be sad over some stuffs, not to realise that many are actually optimistic and got over things damn fast. I am in a state of shock. It's like I have been carrying a burden and worrying over something which I shouldn't in the first place even be considering. Worse, is all the bad profiling I get after what I never done only to find that the person who profiled me as a bad person got over things so damn fast.

I feel so bad for being evil. I feel so bad for letting friends and family worry over something that is mundane all because I thought there was a justification for my situation in the past. I was sad because I assumed I hurt someone and that I did something unforgivable.

There's a rage going on inside me. But at the same time a lightness of being. Something can finally be get over and done with. A baggage cleared, a load off. But there's the prescence of sadness, a portion of life wasted, a huge dash of energy released. Not forgetting the effort of the people who were constantly trying to maneuvour me in the right direction in life. I'm sorry and I thank you.

It's consternation all over again. Only thing is the burden is lighter, life feels uglier and prettier both at the same time. Wierd.