Spiraling spiraling... And down she goes

And it takes a dead woman to unspiral everything else...

James 1:19-20

James 1:19-20
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Was feeling rather hot-tempered yesterday after a series of uneventful episodes of clumsiness and miscommunication. The last thing I needed was my unreliable butter fingers accidentally spilling water out of my crockpot. Exactly what I need at the end of an exasperating day! A large and resounding sigh followed. Coming from what seemed like a disgruntled hog, this situation caught the attention of curious Eli who was happily savoring his strawberries in the living room.

There was a moment of silence before he spoke, "Mummy, what happened?" Full sentences. My baby boy is speaking in full sentences. The 2-year old never ceased to amaze me.

"Everything's fine, darling. Mummy is ok." (I wished!) Still very much fired-up by my clumsiness.

While busy mopping the water-splattered kitchen floor, Eli walked into the kitchen, and in his sing-song voice inquired innocently, "What happened, mummy?

I forced a smile. "Everything's fine. Mummy's cleaning up." The challenge of being a parent - having to feign nonchalance when anger is present in every cell of your body.

I paused, motioned him not to come into the disastrous kitchen. At that moment, the cheeky boy laughed out loud and exclaimed, "Mummy dropped water! Water everywhere!"

That tickled him. A great deal. He just stood there laughing. And I laughed. It's impossible to be angry when an angel is there to remind you that a water-splattered kitchen looks like a set out of a sitcom. It's funny. We laugh if it happens on tv. Why not now?

Frankly I have no idea. But I do realize Eli boy is much happier a human being than myself at times. He sees the best in situations, while I simply dwell into the many uneventful episodes that happened way before my water incident. They did not cause this. I did because I was burdened. So it's time to let go.

Eli and I had a good laugh. And that made the day good again.






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Yesterday was officially the first time I managed

Yesterday was officially the first time I managed to complete the chores of a sahm, by my standard of course :) Did a few loads of laundry, kept the clothes that were drying for way too long, did some grocery shopping where I had to lug 2 big bags of diapers on top of dinner groceries, swept the floors and finally cooked (and washed!) dinner. All while taking care of baby Luke! That to me is an accomplishment. What's best, I did all these without any complains this round. Simply, trying to check off my to-do list, and to maximize my effectiveness and efficiency as a sahm. Even the cashier at the supermarket was horrified at the load I was trying to carry with the baby. Which brings to mind that I have to get the stroller back home from the back of the car so both Luke and I can have more help.


I must say what was usually shared (laundry, dinner) was actually done by myself this time. I'm unabashedly going to take the credit because these chores took me the entire day. And I really mean the entire day. I did manage to catch a bit of rest to watch a horrible movie on HBO while clearing a whole stack of letters addressed to me whilst we were back in UK. So big stack!

So it was an accomplished and challenging day. But it wasn't too good a day. We had forgotten to bring back Eli's bubu (his term for bolster) from school and he was kicking a big fuss not having his favorite item at bedtime. Even when he was sleeping, he was having a night terror on not having his bubu. Luckily, I remembered we had a pack of kids bedding set leftover by the previous tenants. Tried to find a stand-in bubu and found it! It wasn't washed before but well, it did saved my hubby some rest for the night. Luke on the other hand, wasn't much of a consolation for the night. He's been whiny for the past few nights, and I thought he might want to feed but he's often refused the boob, and will suddenly stop his fussing after a while. A long while to be exact. This "while" totally wrecked my sleeping routine.

Anyways, much as I feel accomplished and challenged, I think the biggest challenge came in the morning after. Eli, amazingly, woke up without much hassle, despite a hectic night. Which was fine, until the hubby tried to make a bottle of milk for him. He came back and said I had forgotten to put hot water into the hot water flask and he has no time to boil new water to feed the boy, suggesting to let him have his milk in school instead.

Wow, I did so much and forgot the easiest chore of pouring hot water into the flask. Sadly it's the second time this week. Our kettle boils water in less than a minute, very efficient. But the water transferer is not so. Blame it on baby memory, or blame it on multi-tasking (I was cleaning and cooking while boiling water!), but if things doesn't work as perfectly, blame it on me.

I didn't want this blog to be a complainy one. As much as I understand how stressful it is going at work for the hubby, I'm really trying my best to complete as much housework as possible without getting any help. I can go without rest but I do hope the sacrifice will be worth a thank you or no comment instead of a blame game.

I even took a little effort to get some
Niceties for our special day the day before. And yes, I got a quick thank you and that's it. (They were chocolates, he will always say thanks because they are new around the house.)

I think I'm doing a good job as a mum but somehow don't feel so much when I always get the blame for things undone. There's a bit of self-beating at times to be honest.

I'm expecting this amount of stress with 2 kids. But what I'm not expecting, is that my hubby has turned into an impatient and complainy guy. I guess we switched roles in that one year. Time changes people and it's weird.

Some people say why not get a full time job and engage a helper. In my opinion, getting a helper might be worse. It will give parents the chance to shelve parenting responsibility in due time. Work will somehow take precedence because it's not easy to push away. It's human nature. We think it's ok to pass the responsibilities on for a bit to the helper, after a while it becomes a large chunk of transfer. My family was especially distanced when they got a helper in. The home-cooked meals didn't exactly made everyone come home on time. People take things for granted after a while.

Well, the everyday stresses of a household. More to come I suppose. I don't even want to talk to my husband about it. Lots of things' been going out from me and nothing's going in for him. Although he has been somehow replying me but he forgot he replied. When I reminded him, he said he didn't say what I thought he said. It's his words against mine and I get the blame anyways.

Well, I hate to say it but this sucks.


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Growing up pains

Last year on this day, our family flew to UK for WY's one year course at Cranfield. And less than a year later we are back with a second little one, and our not-so-little-anymore Eli boy, who is now an active toddler learning by leaps and bounds. I'm experiencing much joy watching him grow up. He has also made me a more grown-up grown up in the midst.

Eli's been trying to speak for a couple of months now. It's amazing how much we could communicate with him ever since we came back in May. Grandpa Tan has been actively teaching him mandarin and he's now rather fluent in both languages. Beginning his speech with a single word (eg ball, please, yes, no etc), he's now trying to speak in short sentences.

Was rather intrigued he actually said "no sound" when he tried to make funny noises by blowing on my tummy. To be honest, our gap has widened a little since we got back, with me busy with the new little one Luke, and Eli's introduction to Grandparents. "Gong gong" aka Grandpa Tan is now Eli's favourite. It's no longer mummy he wishes to put him to bed.

With this new speak, it also means Eli is communicating his needs and wants more. Besides the usual "I want" which kids learn so fast, he's also getting really well at communicating what he doesn't want. Eli has been sick for a couple of days and I've just brought him to the clinic today. He's been given a whooping 5 types of medication. I remembered he used to have no problem having medication when he was younger. Imagine my shock when he tasted each one, and shook his head with an assertive no to further doses. No matter how much I tried to negotiate with him, he just wouldn't relent. In the end, I had no choice but to force the medication on him. Coercion would usually result in crying for the younger Eli, but for the not-so-little-anymore Eli, it's usually followed with new speak - the harrowing "No" and "Come down" (which means let me down).

After the ordeal which left me helpless and close to tears, the next trauma came when I tried putting a stick-on cold patch on his forehead. Previously, he would just cry and stop after I placed my hand continuously on the cold patch to seal it in. This round, he was crying so loudly and yelling "Take down". I should have been happy my boy is increasing his grammar and vocabulary. Contrary to that, my heart broke when he said that. I took out the patch, but with his eyes lowered, and him turning his back to me on the bed, I knew I had scored a trauma. For both him and me. And just like that, I teared. My parenting pain has got to the next level.

My mother-in-law has offered to help take care of Eli for the next few days while I go prepare our place for shifting in. When I called her and commented it has not been easy with the medication process for Eli, her response was cool and straightforward - force it in. She said this with lightheartedness as well. I'm pretty sure I will get to this stage as time goes by. But before that, I shall leave the feeding to her instead. :p

Lucky woman

What started out as an innocent comment turned into an angry march to bed (for the hubby) and a 7 week old not-so-newborn babe having to boob suck to a soured-faced mum.

"You're the luckiest woman." The simple comment sounded innocent enough, could even be hailed as a loving comment from a husband to a wife, except that it was said when the baby was crying for milk, and the dried laundry was piling up waiting to be folded, and the wife exclaimed that the hubby could actually see the piled up laundry and have his leisure time on his mobile device and do nothing about it.

Then why didn't the wife keep the dried laundry? She quit her job to be a SAHM and so the job is logically hers to do, don't you think? Or perhaps we should say she has been busy with the newborn since 530am, and has been working around the house (and the older boy since he came home from school), such that she has YET to (at 2300h) get around the tasks of clearing the dried laundry when HER not so newborn started crying for a wrinkly boob to suck again.

It's HER newborn because once a wife is tagged as a SAHM, any work that has got to do with the home and kids are 100% her responsibilities. Once she gets help from the hubby, it declares her inefficiency and incompetence as a SAHM, and she's really lucky that other people are helping her with the job. The employed one who works 8hrs non-stop don't even get the privilege.

Why does being a SAHM make the shared parenting responsibility seemed to be just her role now? She's working full time too, except that her full time is not limited to the 8 hours like her employed other half. Her full time is a thankless 24-hour job. Strangely enough, being employed provides the excuse of coming home to rest when the work day ends. For the SAHM, her job is never finished after the 8 hours. She has the expectation to take on both loads of parenting after the 8-hour shift just because she sacrificed her full time career to provide for the family.

Suppose the circumstances changed, and both parents are now employed. With this arrangement, it makes more sense that parenting chores are equally shared when they get home so both have enough rest. Is the work outside any more tiring than a SAHM who spent the same 8 hours taking care of a child, cleaning the household, running errands, cooking for the family? She basically took on the 2 full time role of a housekeeper and a Carer at a childcare centre, to say the least. So why should the responsibilities not be shared once the other parent get home after his first shift? Perhaps the Wonder Woman as her role implied needs no rest, or perhaps her new employer (the employed one) expects a super human to emerge with a new role called SAHM.

No wonder SAHM are the most unappreciated workers. I wonder how I can ever be considered luckiest to be this unappreciated. I'm not even harping on a meek thank you. A lack of thank you would have been better than a caustic thankless comment like the above. I must be having my resting time now to be able to write this post you say. Yes and no, I multitask my resting time while soothing the not-so-newborn on my chest to dreamland, with one hand typing a sarcastic entry on my blog. All these done with my almost non-existent sleeping hours (note: 2 feeds in the night), and knowing that I have to wake up before 6am to repeat the restless cycle again. Very lucky I say.


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The not-so-fuss-free-getaway

Decided on an impromptu trip to batam this week and WY and I are now having a quick brekkie at Macs before checking in.

Thought it would be an easy 2D1N getaway because getaways are meant to be fuss-free! BUT as a parent, no trips are easy, no matter how near or how short. And we are really talking about Batam! The last time I went to Batam was on a day trip with DX to ski and it was impromptu as well. It was just like taking a trip to the neighborhood mall! As a parent, any trip is a lot of work. 

I found myself getting super excited over Eli's child care needs, memorizing instructions for the intended care-giver (my very nice mum-in-law), planning the procedure of how I should express my breast milk throughout the trip (of course scrutinizing every detail of when I should pump and how sterile the process would be! Not a huge fan of the sanitation overseas), fretting in the middle of the night when I realized I have forgotten to buy travel insurance (for a one day trip so near!!!) and having insomnia throughout the night thinking what I have missed! 

What's also different is that I didn't care a hoot about what clothes I brought, the facial products I would be using (grab some samples only), or the fact that my beloved ray bans are left in the car and I was too busy to even make a trip to the carpark to retrieve it with all the packing. My personal stuffs are so minimal I could share a super small duffle with wy. And guess what, I had a separate carrier for my pumping equipment, of which I carefully packed and compartmentalize to ensure optimum hygiene. And it's freaking huge and heavy. JUST SO THAT ELI CAN STILL HAVE HIS FOOD SUPPLY WHEN I'M BACK. Gosh. What a change in me. Guess all this excitement is not so positive excitement at all. 

BUT, I'm determined to put all worries aside once I get on the ferry (except memorizing the pumping procedures...haha). This shall be a rejuvenation for me, really looking forward to getting an 8 hours of non-stop sleep! Oh wait, I still need to pump. Maybe 6 hrs is not too bad too. 

Hmm...

Perfecting motherhood

I feel a sense of triumph as I place the sticky one back in his cot. Eli's been yelping all day despite the feeding, the playing and the changing. He wants to be carried almost all the time and that leaves the new parent me with tasks unattended and backlogged as I despairingly watch my maternity leave pass me by.

I'll be back in office in a month's time and I've finally managed to coax my darling boy to sleep handsfree. Not just thanks to the baba sling (baby carrier), but also thanks to God that Eli didn't reject the sling today. Yes, he's good with it today. Not yesterday, or the day before.

Reflecting back on my past 2 months as a new parent, I've ran out of illustrations/metaphors/similes etc to describe the experiences. It's simply an oxymoronic time in my life - caring and loving a stranger so deeply, that you feel it's possible and impossible at the same time. You're never sure if your patience will run out with the caring. Or you're amazed at the amount of patience you have, thinking if it has always been stored in a secret dungeon not known to you, until the little one unleashes it with his birth. I'm also not sure how one can love a child so deeply one moment, and the next moment, feel like dropping him to the floor as if the fall will end his crying, and at the same time, shudder to think how a loving parent can harbor such an evil thought and also wince in horror knowing such scene would also one day likely to happen before you (thanks to murphy's law), as you hurriedly shut your eyes to avoid it. It's like learning to understand a new kind of love. A love never understood even as you grew from an infant to a full grown adult, until a human cry resulted from down below after 9 months of ballooning. Parental love. Tsk tsk.

As I reflect this, I'm happily slicing my organic apple as a treat for my mothering achievements. Yes, this is considered good pampering. I've not prepared fruit as treats for myself in weeks! And to think it was a daily after dinner routine pre-Eli. Was looking forward to a quiet half hour in the living room with me, myself and my well-cut organic apple when I heard the distant sounds of wailing through the walls. Needless to say, I tried ignoring, hoping optimistically that it'll die down on its own. But you know, newborns are beings who have all things underdeveloped except their lungs.

5 mins is quite a feat already, I tell myself, as I quickly made my way to the crying boy who is simply yearning for his mother's touch.

He's now sleeping on my chest, listening to the familiar heartbeat as it soothes him to sleep once again. This is me typing an entry on my iphone in a not-so-comfortable lying-down position, which I know is going to leave me with pains and aches later. Nevertheless, it's a comfortable position for Eli. And that's important for a new parent. Bad rest is still better than no rest. And of course, practicing endurance and adaptability, other characteristics reinforced with this new love. You gotta have them to make this journey work.

I'm learning little by little. Trying to be a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a competent employee, a human being. It's like moving to a next level in my life and examples of achievements are Eli's simple laughter, his occasional cooing to my conversations with him, and being able to finally put him to bed on this lazy afternoon.

Nonetheless, I'm sure more achievements will surface as Eli grows in this lifetime, with me learning the ropes in a crash and burn manner as I continue perfecting my role in this endearing but challenging parenthood journey.

It's about time to put him back in his cot... Shall do this discreetly before he wakes up in the next half hour for his next feed. If luck is on my side, I could steal a half hour for some me-time to finish up the slices of succulent apple already in process of oxidation.

Ah, darn it...

And....Pop!

Almost 2 weeks have passed since my last post. And I KNOW I endeavored to update the status of Eli once he popped. Blame it on my complacency/naivety/ignorance, updating on this blog is really the last thing on my mind when he popped. The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of experiences. Parenthood is crazy! I've simply no words to describe, but I'm glad I survived these 2 weeks. It's like Leadership Program all over again, baby edition, and for the rest of my life...

Our little rascal greeted the world at 1844 hrs on 26 October 2012, weighing 3.095kg at 50cm height, after a grueling 17 hrs in the hospital. I'm not sure how long I was in actual labor. The beginning was painless, and I was told I'm contracting. The last few hours were total agony. Was adamant to taking epidural, but in the end was rather thankful I took it. I wouldn't know how I could withstand the pain and still force myself to push Eli out, with the unfortunate turn of events. His heartbeat seemed to be dropping with every contraction. Worse was when the heartbeat fell to 60 right in the middle of delivery. I was absolutely livid and exasperated. Goodness knows how much I cried in that 17 hours. I must say it was traumatic. Eli was induced mainly because the water level was low, and his head was resting really low. It was until he came out when we realized the umbilical cord was laced around his neck. Thank God we agreed to induce Eli, if not I don't believe I would ever see him again if I waited for a few more days.

I do believe I went into motherhood unprepared, as much as I tried to prepare myself in the months prior to delivery. Imagine my shock when I realized the amount of pain I have to go through after delivery. The healing in the perineum, vagina, rectum... not forgetting the abdominal pain and scars (stretch marks) of my battle to bring the little guy into this world. I can't believe I didn't foresee the recuperation would take so long and be so difficult. But somehow seeing WY so happy every time he sees Eli makes the whole experience really worth it. I might not be the most patient, loving mother, but I'm glad Eli has a dad who seemed to have the best makes. Lucky him, lucky me. =)

Really wanted to dedicate this post to my lovely husband WY, who has unrelentingly been very encouraging throughout the pregnancy, and even up till now. I saw his helplessness as I fought the pain during labor, and I know it wasn't easy. It's worse to see someone you love suffer and unable to do a thing to ease the suffering. And for that, I'm thankful I'm not the one going through it.

At my request, WY got me a nice surprise when he was out getting the birth certification for Eli yesterday. I was expecting something small, like food to cheer me up, since I'm cooped up at home for the entire month. However, what was presented really brought tears to my eyes. I'm not too sure how to describe what I felt, but when I saw the gift, I just teared. And till now, I'm not sure the reason why I teared. Somehow the gift got me a very simple realization, how thankful that I have someone like WY to go through parenthood with.

Here are the surprises:

And amazingly, my darling husband teared when he saw me receiving the gifts. I really want him to know that I feel the same way about him too. I really thank God for having him with me. And because I have him, I have no regrets bringing Eli into the world, and because of him, I'll try my best to be the best mother, to partner him in this parenthood journey. I'm excited, because I know the upcoming parenting experiences will be hard, but I know with WY, there'll definitely be joyful moments, which makes everything so complete.

Blueberry, oh blueberry!

So who or what is Blueberry?

I haven't been blogging in ages, and to think my first blog after months of absence would be to update that I would be delivering my first born very soon! I don't believe I even updated on finding out I was pregnant in the first place. Hah!

Blueberry was the nickname given because we were trying to relate to the bugger in the womb, and we had no idea if it was to be a darling boy or girl. We reckoned that Blueberry (BB for short) is a fruit which packs the punch (full of antioxidants), pretty neutral in gender, and cute and round like how we want our kid to be. Henceforth, we called out IT Blueberry, only to be confirmed he was later to be acknowledged as Mr BB, and now finally, after months of deliberation, we've somehow decided (through earthly and heavenly omens, messages, voices, movie and preaches mainly), that our darling boy is to be named Eli. :)

So here I am, on a Thurs morn, almost 2 weeks into my maternity leave (oh yes, I've started working since April-May period), and wondering when the little one wants to start popping. To be honest, I'm a little bored and apprehensive at the same time. This year has been a fast and slow year at the same time. I'm amazed I'm going to be a mother, when I was told earlier this year that this role would somehow not be achievable in the short term. Next thing I know, it's wham-bam (maybe I'm referring to the process) and a bun in my oven. Somehow, the last trimester seemed so long as I wait for the impending arrival of the baby. Fast and slow at the same time. How ironic.

We've got our stuff pretty much prepared. I haven't been exactly over-enthusiastic about the whole baby-coming because of work, so no crazy buying (I did buy, but not so crazy...because I have a very practical/objective/frugal hubby who somehow tames my shopping behavior), or spending time on his nursery (it's currently just a spare room with some baby stores I must say, nothing fancy). That's not because I'm not excited about his arrival, I just can't get my creative juice to move without having an idea what he looks like! I'm secretly hoping he looks like WY, so that I can have a mini him to play with. Playing with a mini Me seems rather boring. I can't event think of what to do on my own at times. Hah.

I've endeavor to post the joys (or challenges) and pics of Eli on a daily basis for the first month. Mainly because I'm curious to see his transformation too. Will be posting pictures soon!

Visiting my ob/gyn later, shall see if the little guy is ready to meet the world! And yes, I'm in my 39th week! Come to think of it, that last sentence could pretty much update my status during my missing months!

Isn't it strange?

A little poem from church today:

Isn't It Strange?

Isn't it strange, that princes and kings, 
and clowns that caper in sawdust rings,
and common-folk like you and me, 
are builders for eternity?

 

To each is given a bag of tools,

a shapeless mass and a Book of Rules;

and each must make 'ere time has flown,

a stumbling block or a stepping stone.

-- R.L. Sharpe, "A bag of tools," circa 1809

Few takeaways: 

A) True disciples are marked not merely by their steadfastness, but by the responsibility with which they guard others from stumbling. 

B) True disciples at not marked merely by their righteousness, but by the magnanimity with which they forgive unrighteousness. 

C) True disciples are marked not merely by their service, but by the humility with which they serve. 

Daily Bread - 8 March 2012

In our life of faith, our resources can become the enemy of trust. God wants us to depend on Him, not our own strength, whether physical, financial, or intellectual.

When the Lord reduces our resources from “32,000 to 300,” it is not punishment. It is preparation for Him to be glorified through our lives as we acknowledge and trust His power.

10 Lessons from Jeremy Lin

Saw this article recently, and am really inspired by the phenomenal Jimmy Lin. A quote struck me hard from the article, thought I really have to blog it down.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." Judy Garland

Here's the article, by Eric Jackson on Forbes.com. Nice piece of writing I must say!

Just Lin, Baby! 10 Lessons Jeremy Lin Can Teach Us Before We Go To Work Monday Morning

Lin-sanity has swept up the NBA over the last week.  Now it seems like the phenomenon has gone worldwide.

Friday’s 38 point performance by Harvard grad Jeremy Lin for the New York Knicks against the LA Lakers was his greatest performance yet as a starter, since he burst on to the scene and propelled the team to 4 straight wins.

Lin now has over 200,000 followers on Twitter.  He’s got over 800,000 on Weibo – including 200,000 new ones in the 24 hour period after beating the Lakers.

But there’s more to this story than basketball.  This isn’t just a modern-day, real-life version of the Hoosiers movie.  The Jeremy Lin story is incredibly popular because we can all see a little bit of ourselves in this man’s struggles and now successes.

What can all of us learn from this young man — and how can we apply these same lessons to our own lives when we go back to work on Monday morning?

1. Believe in yourself when no one else does. Lin’s only the 4th graduate from Harvard to make it to the NBA.  He’s also one of only a handful of Asian-Americans to make it. He was sent by the Knicks to play for their D-League team 3 weeks ago in Erie, PA.  He’d already been cut by two other NBA teams before joining the Knicks this year.  You’ve got to believe in yourself, even when no one else does.

2. Seize the opportunity when it comes up. Lin got to start for the Knicks because they had to start him.  They had too many injuries.  Baron Davis was gone.  The other point guards were out.  Carmelo Anthony was injured.  Amare Stoudemire had to leave the team because of a family death.  Lin could have squandered the opportunity and we would have never have noticed.  But he made the most of it.  You never know when opportunities are going to arise in life.  Often, they’re when you least expect them.  Make the most of them. Don’t fritter them away.

3. Your family will always be there for you, so be there for them. It wasn’t until a few days ago that Lin got his contract guaranteed by the Knicks for the rest of the season.  Before that, he could have been cut at any time.  He had to sleep on his brother’s couch on the Lower East Side to get by.  His family always believed in him and picked him up when he could have gotten down on himself.  That made him continue to believe.  If you want your family to believe in you like that, you’ve got to be there for them too when they need it.

4. Find the system that works for your style. Lin isn’t Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant.  He’s not a pure scorer.  He’s a passer and distributor – who can also score very well.  It didn’t work for him in Golden State or Houston – where he was before landing at the Knicks.  But Mike D’Antoni’s system at the Knicks has been perfect for him to show off his strengths.  You’ve got to do your best to understand what your strengths are and then ensure that you’re in a system (a job or organization or industry) that is a good fit for those strengths.  Otherwise, people overlook the talents you bring to the table.

5. Don’t overlook talent that might exist around you today on your team. You probably manage people at your own company today.  Are you sure you don’t have a Jeremy Lin living among you now?  How do you know that “Mike” couldn’t do amazing things if you gave him a new project to run with?  How do you know “Sarah” isn’t the right person to take the open job in London that you’ve been talking over with your colleagues?  We put people around us in boxes.  He’s from Harvard.  He’s Asian-American.  Not sure he can play.  How many assumptions have you made about talent around you?  Don’t be like the General Managers in Golden State and Houston, and let talent slip through your fingers.  With all their money, scouts, and testing, they didn’t have a clue what they had in their hands.  Do you know what your people (or even yourself) is really capable of?  Take off the blinders of assumptions you wear when you look at the world.

6. People will love you for being an original, not trying to be someone else. You’ve got to be you.  You can’t be some 2nd rate copy of Michael Jordan.  There will never be another Michael Jordan.  Just be Jeremy Lin — yourself.  Whatever that is.  That doesn’t mean you don’t work hard — it just means you find what you’re good at and do it.  Fans will love you for being you, just like they love Jeremy Lin.  Judy Garland said it best:

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

7. Stay humble. If you one day are lucky enough to have newspapers want to put you on the cover in order to sell more, don’t let it get to your head.  It’s been remarkable watching how humble Lin remains through all this media frenzy.  It makes his teammates and fans love him that much more.

8. When you make others around you look good, they will love you forever. I didn’t know how good Tyson Chandler was, until I saw him playing with Jeremy Lin.  Lin has set Chandler up many times over the last week for easy dunks because he drew the defense and then passed the ball.  That’s partly why the Knicks are playing so well.  They are all working harder to share the ball with others.  And it’s beautiful to watch.  And when the media swarms Lin, he tells them how good his teammates are.  Do the same with your peers and reports.

9. Never forget about the importance of luck or fate in life. Some people believe in God, some in destiny, some in luck.  Whatever you believe in, be grateful for it.

10. Work your butt off. Lin couldn’t have seized his opportunity if he hadn’t worked like crazy for years perfecting his skills.  There are no short cuts to hard work.  Success is a by product of that.  If you’ve got a Tiger Mom who’s always pushed you to work hard, great.  If not, let your conscience be your own Tiger Mom!  Get up early, stay up late.  Nobody gave Lin any free passes. Why should you get any?  You can only control what you control and that means you’ve got to work harder than anyone else you know.

I hope the Lin-sanity continues.  And I hope we all can apply these lessons to our own work and family life.

There’s a great line from a New York Times article on Lin and his faith which is worth it for all of us to remember (from Romans 5:3-5):

suffering produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us.

The invisible pot of gold

Just went through an interview, and found myself totally maxed out from the one plus hour session of questioning and answering.

Felt I put up a good performance for the entire session. I say performance because I felt I could only sugar coat my replies in a manner understood and accepted by my interviewers. This performance was much more difficult than expected, because I was defending a battle that was already biased at the beginning. Both parties were looking at the situation with different perspectives, understanding and level of acceptance. Rest assure, that I was often graceful and tactful in my replies. And I'm glad I was able to do that.

Truth be told, I came across as a candidate of contradiction. Some aspects which they loved and some which they couldn't comprehend. And the incomprehension led to an immediate dislike, even when they have never experienced the good or the bad side of it. Simply because they heard stories of this unknown.

I found myself listening to their theories of what an entrepreneur should be like - with their risk taking attitudes, impulsive decisions, not taking orders or ideas from others - basically traits which they felt unfit for the role. A silent thought kept creeping up on me. "Are you an entrepreneur too?". They are not exactly wrong, some entrepreneurs could be like this. But that's because it's their business. If it's other people's business, I'm sure they cannot care less. It's all a matter of context.

Needless to say, they were rather concerned with my experiences as an entrepreneur, because they felt my entrepreneurial aspect would not be a good fit on the corporate administrative role. The assumption was because if I'm an entrepreneur, I should be all the traits they've mentioned. Should they read E-Myth revisited by Michael E Gerber, they should know that behind every business person, is a human with a basis of administrative work - the basic worker/manager. The entrepreneurial aspect is the basis of foresight and ideas. They work hand in hand.

In a way, I was badgered because I was different. The differences between my two varying skill sets in the corporate and entrepreneurial aspects stuck out like a sore thumb. These skill sets gave me a balance of skills, taught me experiences to deal with people of different natures, gave me varying perspectives to come out with more solutions to a problem, and allowed me to have greater foresight in my planning and decision making process due to the enlarged area of knowledge.

To me, they were always a good thing. But at the interview panel, it now seem like my Achilles heel, signaling a red light, alarming the people I need to please, that the additional and differing skill set could potentially prevent a conformation to their culture, to the work. That I might be a challenger of systems, a restless individual who hates mundanity. In essence, the horrifying animal of Generation Y.

Perhaps it's the stereotyped they have on entrepreneurs, which I reckoned they have never been, or of seeing unique individuals such as myself with contradictions they have never come across. I was perceived as an individual threading on thin ice between a person they would like to hire, and a person they are trying to avoid.

Do I see myself different from them then? Yes and no. Yes, because I'm certain at some point of their lives, they would have thought about their dreams, just like I did. Whether to go after it, or live without pursuing it. They would also have the little something which was unfulfilled, and always contributing to that silent "what if" at the back of our minds.

Yet, we are different because as a Gen Y, I took sometime to find out the pot of gold at the other end of the rainbow, and I learnt precious knowledge in the midst of the journey. Knowledge which would now be difficult to explain or describe to the others.

To them, they only saw a search which mounted up to nothing. They saw nothing but a detour of one's journey, which could otherwise have been avoided if we heeded their advice. But truth is, because they didn't experience this detour, they will never understand that the pot of gold was never really a pot of real material physical gold. There might be nothing at the end of it. But there's always something on the way to it.

To me, my pot of gold is the new life perspective which I can now have, on top of what I've already known in my 28 years. My 2-year gap, which seemed like a detour to many, became the best learning journey of my life. My pot of gold was much more than I've expected. It's a pity that this gold is my currency in my world, and will not be the common currency until the rest can see the value of it. Until they realise the true value of my currency, I'll always be masked as a Gen Y, restless and inconsistent, misunderstood by the eyes who fail to see the pot of gold right under their noses.

I crave to see how my pot of gold looks like to different individuals. It might not work with the interviewers, but I'm sure there are others who appreciate it as much as I do. Few, I might say for now, but more to come, I must add.

The interviewers asked how I see myself in 5 years time. By that time, I would have really hoped this pot of gold would have been grown into a larger pot, in a currency which many could use and see. But only if you let me be.

Zee

Wickedly Spectacular

And yes, I'm talking about Wicked! The musical that is, if you haven't heard, the musical is now playing at Marina Bay Sands. Can't wait to see what's coming after Wicked.

The musical is officially my favorite musical of all time! And of course, the song of the day would be "Defying Gravity". The lyrics spoke a lot about my journey thus far, and I could really relate to it. Here's what spoke to me. Haha.

Something has changed within meSomething is not the sameI'm through with playing by the rulesOf someone else's gameToo late for second-guessingToo late to go back to sleepIt's time to trust my instinctsClose my eyes: and leap!
It's time to tryDefying gravityI think I'll tryDefying gravityAnd you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find meLook to the western sky!As someone told me lately:"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"And if I'm flying soloAt least I'm flying freeTo those who'd ground meTake a message back from meTell them how I amDefying gravityI'm flying highDefying gravityAnd soon I'll match them in renownAnd nobody in all of OzNo Wizard that there is or wasIs ever gonna bring me down!

Speak up

Note to self: speak out before it becomes too late.

Doesn't matter for the little adjustment if it does not cost them anything but cost you more.

I'm ready!

Had a long coaching/conversation with dear Meeiting today. Wanted to pen down some thoughts before I completely forget the awesome experience of realizing some hard (but enlightening) truths. Thanks to Meeiting for the time and efforts. I felt I finally got some place to start the engine rolling!

It's been sometime since I intended for anything. She reminded me that when intention seems to cease, it's always good to start intending from smaller things. And amazingly, the trains waited for me today as I hopped on it, I reached my appointment on time (through public transport!), had a lunch date with Meeiting out of the blue in the spare hours I have, hoped onto my intended bus within 5 mins (what I wanted too!), and got a seat in the oh-so-crowded bus! All starts with a little intention! If intention is about getting things your way, I sure am putting my talents to good use. Talking about talents meeting needs, I'm sure I am finding a purpose through intention!

Regarding last year, the only word that came to my mine was "cope". I was coping with many things, and most importantly, I was really coping with marriage life. Instead of taking baby steps into creating a new stage in the relationship, I'm basing my knowledge of the new stage based on experiences from the dating stage. This has not helped me at all, and I'm coping at a whole new level in a sudden grandeur when I should have taken baby steps instead! Hence, this year would be a year of exploration of my relationship with Wenyao, taking baby steps to find out who he is for what he is, and from there, find out what I can be as a wife, confidante and best friend. It's taking baby steps, and hopefully a baby too in the midst! ;) (just maybe!)

I realized instead of feeling worried and about getting ready for my third world, I'm actually rather ready for the third world. (That's a shock!) And it has been sometime since I'm ready. Since October to be exact. I've wanted so eagerly to start on a new journey after all the leanings I had in the last 2 years, but apparently, because things didn't turn out as fast as I wanted to, I became bored in the process. And that caused the lethargy and the disappointments from all the vexing wait. It's not that I'm not ready, but I am! Just waiting for a corporation or a kind soul to utilize my needs! I need to find a purpose for my talents! Haha, and I can't seem to find it yet. But I do hope I can soon! Perhaps this new attitude might bring new journeys and experiences, and I would be putting my good talents of intention into good use this time.

I'm ready world! Are you?!

Zee

Task-oriented

When the days get dreary,
And nights get lazy,
A task list of unending chores,
Get those limbs moving.

2011-2012

Thought I had better pen down my thoughts for 2011 before 2012 catches up too fast. 2011 had been an extremely fast year. I couldn't even remember the exact events of what went through the entire year. To be honest, it had been quite a year for me. Not a very positive year as all the other years I've had, but somehow I felt 2011 had been a really hard year for me.

It's hard but not all negative. Let's just put it that the year yesterday had been a year of hard truths and hard learnings. A year where happiness was rather short lived, and periods of agony were most frequent. A year where I learnt the most, through the hard way, the independent way. It had been an emotional roller coaster ride, where dips were most frequent, where I often felt the hollowness and emptiness of life's journey. I have to acknowledge that it had been a year of failures, but a year of huge knowledge gathering. There were achievements definitely, but somehow these achievements were rushed and done in a matter-of-fact manner, and the mistakes caught up too fast to make one feel pleased at what have been attained. It was a rushed year, it was a hard year, and it was a significant year. A year where I would never want to have repeated, but definitely have to go through one way or another. It's an inevitable year for the journey I chose. I don't love it, but I appreciate it.

Still, I have to still acknowledge some of the things I did in the yesteryear. Saw my loosely written bucket list on the wall, and went through it. I must really acknowledge that I did put some efforts into making this year worthwhile. So here it goes...

1) Went white water rafting - with Emma in Bali
2) Experienced Hash in Bali as well - thanks to Emma's dad, was a truly amazing and worrisome experience! Hah.
3) Started a fashion business...finally
4) Set up my own online shopping site
5) Learnt the knowledge of photoshop & illustrator (I must say I still need to learn on the latter)
6) Started my own collection, with my own designs!
7) Started designing menswear (and I'm actually lovin' it!)
8) Finally went on a trip with Wenyao! (It's not a big trip but at least I didn't shortchange myself in the trip!)
9) Went on a self-drive malacca trip with Wenyao (will definitely do it again!)
10) Finally cooked a soup that Wenyao loves
11) Completed reading Atlas Shrugged (!!!)
12) Ran 2 races this year and ran my first 21KM in good enough timing!
13) Ran with Wenyao for the first time!
14) Created the collection launch with all my efforts!
15) Created a better relationship with my dear brother
16) Read my first business related book..hahaha.. E-Myth by Michael E Berger, highly recommended
17) Read my first diet book...haha..also not bad. Don't read those books previously
18) Started swimming as a habit again
19) Had my very own fashion show!
20) Made my first sale online where I really felt it was 100% earned. Hah.

So with all the endings in place (I'm not a great lover of all things ending...), I'm rather excited about the coming year. Yes, I do have plans and I really hope they can be in place. Meeiting was mentioning that there would be a theme for this year, and I felt this year could probably be a year of creativity, of really thinking out of the box, trying the things that I really want. So here's a few of what I have in mind. I think this time I should set them as resolutions, because coming from a year without one, it's really starting to prove that a "resoluted" year would be a much better one.

So here it goes!
1) Achieve a certification in horse riding
2) Return back to the corporate career
3) Continue the fashion business in another direction if possible
4) Finally go on my honeymoon in Europe
5) Climb Mount Fuji
6) Continue learning the Japanese language
7) Join more races with Wenyao
8) Learn fashion drafting (coming up in January! Finally!)
9) Try casino gambling
10) Grow long hair and have it permed (I'm already grimacing at this!)
11) Maintain a healthier lifestyle, hopefully lose some KGs in the midst!
12) Clear up the extra room before CNY (major clutter!)
13) Take part in a fashion contest!

2012 will also be a year of questioning and learning, of questioning what's outside the box, or rather philosophically (I'm reading Sophie's World now). Thought it might be useful in the out-of-the-box-out-of-the-world context. I'm hoping 2012 will be a year of realizations, of consciousness, of being present to my journey. It would be a year of understanding the self, and others, and bridging relationships, and of course, opening up the entire world of what world is to me right now.

To 2012 - a new found world. =)