The Essence of Life

My dad was admitted to the hospital a few days ago. It was good that he's in, at least the doc had a chance to observe and find out the reason his body seems to be malfunctioning lately.

He had been having severe headaches, with the tendency of heartburn. He said he can't sleep without sleeping pills, and lying down often leaves him breathless. Often enough, he actually felt he was losing it. We were worried of cos, but his stubborn nature didn't allow us to coax him into the clinic. Finally, he gave in when he realised he could not sleep without the help of pills. Call me sadistic, but to me, his admittion was good news.

My dad got admitted about the same time as my colleague's mom. Contradictingly, both have very different outcome. My dad is OK, perhaps the condition was due to stress over work, or maybe his spinal problem. The news my friend got was much much worse. Two days ago, she mentioned they found a lump in the mum's intestine, and that needs an op to remove it. Today, the doc said it is cancer and it has spread to the lungs and liver. To me it was a shock. An illness can be inside for so long and the person is ignorant about it. The mum doesn't know she has cancer, cos the children knew she cannot cope with reality. She has only 6 months to live, and with chemo, max 2 years. If she doesn't react to chemo, it's back to 6.

I ran a google on her condition, and this is what it says. Stage 4 colon cancer will usually be treated with chemotherapy to shrink the tumor, lengthen life, and improve the quality of life. Sounds politically correct, but you realise it is an optimistic way to say that death is the only route to go.

I feel super sad when I heard the news. Came to the office after a day out with wenyao and saw her eyes red. Think floodgates opened when I fingered an OK sign to her for response. I wasn't feeling especially great today since wenyao will be leaving the next day. Then I came to office and heard the news. Imagine this person who is struggling is my dad. I seriously dunno what to do.

During lunch with wenyao, he was telling me his take on life. He said life is something to be grasp but something not to be held on too dearly. You treasure life so you try out new stuffs, take the road less travelled, challenge yourself continuously, learning new things. If you treasure life by protecting it all the time, avoiding new experiences because you are afraid to lose your life, you are wasting it.

It came to a point when I realise people don't treasure life until someone tells you how much time you have left. I'm not saying my friend's mum doesn't treasure hers. I'm just saying if someone tells me I have 1 more year to live, I'll probably try my best to do more in that 1 year than what I tried in my previous 23 years.

I'm not sure what I want to get out of this. It's just that sometimes I tried protecting myself too much I am wasting my life. The thought that the time I wasted could be somebody's extra time irks me. I feel suddenly life is so short. I perhaps used up 1/3 of my life now. But it's because of the thinking that I'll probably die at age 75, which leaves me complacent about the time I have. I guess it's not so for others.