Started to think about my life. Realised I have been procrastinating long enough. I guess the truth has been staring at me all the time, it's just that I've never want to think about it, because once you start, the floodgates open. Yeah they do.
I want to study fashion merchandising. I don't care if I'm gonna earn as much as I do now. I don't even know if I'm gonna be good and excel at it. But it just feels like I'm never gonna get started. Worse is the thought that going towards that goal will get me out of the hell hole I'm in.
It's not like I don't like my job. The flexibility is something everyone wish for, when you can virtually come and go as you wish, just as long as you get work done. But I just don't want to get stuck there forever.
I want to get married early. Even if I saved enough for school, I'm never gonna save enough for marriage. Why do I feel that burden just increases with age? I'll like to start a family early. You might think it's wishful thinking in a society like this. I didn't think so but I am beginning to think that way.
It's not that I don't have faith in wenyao. I don't have faith in myself to make my life possible the way I want it. It's just not going to work. The way I see it, I'm not going to get any other education, and I am definitely going to marry late. Maybe 30. You might think that is the average age. But I don't want to slog my way through work just to see my son go to university at 55, or carry my first grandkid at 65, only to see him barely finishing primary school.
Just don't feel 23 is young. I have a colleague who's a year older spending money like water on anti-aging products. I get scared when ppl say I look older. I hate it. It's not that I hate to see myself age, but I just hate to see myself aged when I got nothing accomplished.
Someone msged me asking why the sad nick I put on MSN. He said I never had any sad nicks before. I told him Paper faces on parade is one. Everyone is wearing masks. I find myself doing that all the time. Just to get out of whatever misery I felt. There is something bothering me. Probably the fact that my parents are not with the decision of supporting my studies and they gladly gave the support to my brother. Perhaps they thought it was the best. Perhaps perhaps. I seriously want to support myself, but I find it really hard. Gross.
Tomorrow will be the same. All over again. Maybe it might not be. Just shut out the things that are happening and think of each day as it goes. Put on the masks and parade like the world never grows old. And sooner or later, the paper faces will crack. Maybe it is already cracking. I seriously dunno. But I seriously wish to take away the chore of putting on masks all the time. It makes you forget the pureness of life. I hate it.
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