news

my parents always complain i don't read the newspaper or watch the news.
why should i? when all they show is dead bodies and grieving ppl..
i feel horrible.

all the dead ppl

the whole nus cohort died today.
a friend described as water splashing on ants.
easy to die. fast and efficient.
god's way of birth control....very blasphemic
we are not the fortunate one...the dead are..
cos we still have to face the sick world.
this world is sick. so is everybody.
what are we living for?

post christmas

it's already after christmas...realised i haven't blogged for ten days...which means i haven't been back to school for this long...haha

was watching this chinese tv show on channel 8, when my dad switched to channel 9...they are like showing the same genre of shows...documentary depicting lives of ppl who are obviously tragic and pitiful, evoking guilt (after my dad keeps complaining how lucky i m and how the little girl is so mature in thought), disgust (after i've seen myself still alive and kicking) and hope (looking at how the rest around them are still surviving).

Then a thought dawn on me...why the same genre of shows at the same time from the 2 channels? trying to compete against the tragedy of humanity or the number of cycles of emotional turmoil that churns in the audience? gross.... the shows suddenly don't seem as tragic after all... both channels show what ppl wanna watch. humanity is insane...the more tragic the show is...the more they wanna stuck their noses in. when their noses get scratched...they oozed nonchalance. E.g charity shows...how many have there been? 4 this year rite? (well well, one good thing about merging channels.... less of charity shows!) do they serve their purpose? is the money channelled to ppl like the old granny who sells tissue paper every day late into the night at bb mrt station? no i don't think so. pardon me for being skeptic.... i think the aim of charity shows are not so much for charity than it is for publicity. gross.

went cycling with qijia, cher, cece, ken n wy... took some pictures along the beach. that was blissful. a very blissful day with my friends and beloved. you could have painted a picture perfect until the radio reported the earthquake at sri lanka. what the hell. when ppl were wondering if their relatives and friends are still alive...there i am...thinking about blissfulness. it doesn't take two tv channels to tell u how fortunate u r...being able to eat mac, eat ramen, have fun and be with ur loved ones HAPPILLY! gross...thousands died...thousands...that's like the whole nus arts faculty...imagine coming to school with the whole faculty missing...bcos they are all buried 6 feet underground. gross.

alritey...getting emotional...these few days eating too much...thank god brandon cancelled the steamboat...hai...what's the probability of a human from dying...i should say it's very high...judging from the natural disasters and wars all around the world...so why do we keep lamenting that we are unfortunate from time to time? humans...

malacca (pseudo johore)

woke up early yesterday cos my parents asked me to go malaysia with them...
was happily anticipating a day of shopping and munching in johor...cos that was the place my mom said we would be going..
even the destination on the arrival card was reported johore.

then my dad started saying about the long drive to malacca..
and i was like u gotta be kidding...just go johore and go malacca the next time..
quit talking about it... then my father looked baffled and said then y is he driving towards the second link..
and i happily said u gotta be kidding...and i looked at my mom... and she was like i told u we were going malacca..
then i was like u said johore..and she went...'malacca is not in johore?' stupid bimbo.

the drive was delirious...too long and i hate long journeys!!!
felt like i was on a 'thief ship' (jei chuan)
everything was getting on my nerves because it was a damn long freaking ride...gross

we ate the rice ball chicken rice...it was amazing...the rice ball can bounce! many times actually..
taste was nothing amazing though..haha
then we went to this souvenior shop which i initially refused to go in...cos i tot they only sell the durian kuey..
guess wad...there were so many things inside...
my mom was exclaiming how much we spent on food..when she commented...'even though she (me) claim that i was on the jei chuan...i think it is both of us who got robbed' hahaha.

then my dad was commenting on how i always teh him when i have problems that need his help...how bad my temper is and everything...seriously i do agree with him! hai...but it only happens to both of them...my parents i mean...my temper get so bad around them n i dunno y...hai..feel so bad...

we did managed to shop abit though...went around in about three hours...then another three hours drive back...hai...n got stuck in traffic along the way...lost our way... thanks to my always over-confident dad.

went to buy stuffs for xmas presents! hai...super broke...think this yr's presents will be hard work...hai...shall get started soon...plus i've got so many books to read! hai...

what makes an idol?

was on the way to jp to collect my specs...took 96 to clementi.
went down the bus and i was caught in a shock.
there was someone singing...a voice u'll be momentarily surprised to have seen coming out from a blind woman. she was baskering in the streets...there she goes...singing 'reflections', 'whenever wherever', and many more diva sing alongs.

i could have sworn the singing was good enough to allow one to assume it was coming out of a cd.

she couldn't have been an idol...but her voice certainly does. so there i go...cos i was still early...meekly waiting for the bus juz to hear her sing.

watched 'mona lisa's smile' during dinner...it's wierd that you have got so much time to do anything all of a sudden...wished it would never end. julia roberts wasn't considered much of an idol to the parents' alumni...haa..but to the students yes...she was the idol. she was supposed to be teaching art...in a sense...felt she was teaching sociology...the show is like dead poet's society...less tragic and a little more feminist. hah...both are great films...both depicts heartland idols. but do such heartland idols ever exist anymore? wad about the blind lady? whatever happened to what's pure?

sylvester or taufik? idol? kelly clarkson or ruben studdard? clay aiken? this is what is known of idols nowdays...haha...pretty superficial. have u ever wondered who's ur idol? who u wanna look up to? it's wierd cos i've always wanted to be so many things in my life...from young...a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer, a designer, a journalist, a merchandiser, a homemaker, a volunteer...wonder where will i stand in years' time. would i be any of these? hah. but i've always wanted to make change to where i will be. it's something of an idol...somebody who inspires...who amazes and who has a great big heart! hmmm...will i be that someday? perhaps...in my mind...that's wad makes an idol. hah.

'Reflections'

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, is as if I play a part

Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that i'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think how we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?

fustrations

do i get them? yes i do. but not in ur face! not in anybody's face! u noe why? cos i get fucked when i do that. so guess wad? fuck u all! all ur fustrations vent it on urselves! go fuck somebody else if u have to. quit using it on me.

sometimes u wonder what have u done and guess wad? the only word that comes to my mouth is fuck u. fuck u!!!! fuck fuck fuck...that's how the world works isn't it?
damn.

fuck u...the one who's reading this. anybody who's reading this. quit reading and close the window. i can't write if i know there's ppl reading this. fuck u who reads and react to me accordingly. gross. get out of my life.

i'm just a fucking piece of shit. a pathetic one who's constantly sympathizing myself. do i get a nod? yes i do! from somebody and yes...fuck u too.

what have i been doing?

well...the impulse to that question would be 'nothing'
something which i've accustomed to replying for the past few months..
but i guess there was really something going on these few days..
lemme recap.

mon: wakeboarding
tues: driving and many gatherings
wed: gym, jalan jalan, shopping (not happy shopping)

well well...wakeboarding was fun, driving was exhilarating, and the gatherings were sinful!!! imagine cakes in a sushi conveyor manner, each a spoonful, with an extra serving of creme brulee! not forgetting a cheesy fattening pasta b4 that at prego's. that was juz one gathering. the gathering b4 that was horrible as well. luckily i skipped the birthday cake...haha.

hmm...went shopping with my mom at john little...some members only event. imagine how many members they have. it was so crowded i can barely walked. the queue was so damn long...din even tried on the lingerie i bought. fortunately they fit! hahaha

was waiting for my mom at the taxi stand while she queued for the free gift (a bear with a radio component...duh!), saw many sights along the way. right across me was centrepoint with their magnificent christmas decorations. christmas is coming...my favourite time of the year. strangely speaking...i dun feel very enthusiastic about it at all. wistful if u ask me. that's how i feel. i wish it would never come. i don't wanna spoil christmas.

people were walking past. i saw couples. hand in hand. happily crossing the road. talking to one another. it's an amazing sight. very heartwarming. i see families yakking as they take pictures. i see singles walking along after a hard day's work. the season's mood is everywhere. somehow this year feels wierd. i haven't even started with my gifts...

when ppl smile...do they feel happy? how do u get that happiness back? y won't anyone feel not happy? why do you get angry at ppl who care for u? why do i shout at my mom? why won't ppl accept u the way u r? why do ppl get unhappy? where's the motivation? where's the spirit? why the wistfulness?

wierd week u ask me...i've forgotten how to enjoy the things i used to enjoy doing. it's wierd how u can forget about these. i would love to make gifts but y haven i get started? i'm dreading christmas this year. wish it'll never come.

out of the ordinary thursday

went for my first driving lesson today...
haha...and i drove! i drove!! for the first time in my life..
haha in a circuit...it's pretty exciting!!
looking forward to my next lesson...haha
at first i tot i was pretty scary...but seriously at 20km/hr would be quite sia suay for that right??

was on the bus back to school to meet jj and sihui..
sat beside this ger..
young little girl...and she was damn weird..
i mean can see she has abit of problem..
she used her leg to hit my bag...and started telling her mom she was in pain..
i dozed off in about a while and guess wad..
she woke me up by scratching her ez link card holder on my shoulder and on my hands..
and b4 she got down the bus she happily scratched a few more times and gave me a sly smile..
omg...but anyway think she's abit bonkers...hai..
but lucky i'm in a good mood...bcos of the driving!!!

i msged my dad abt my driving..
guess wad he replied?

daddy: no big deal right?

hai....wad a splash of cold water..
haha

driving...ooh la la...driving ooh la la...driving ooh la la!

i became an ah sam today..
reached my room at about seven plus...started cleaning up..
cleaned my tables, my shelves, stacked books together, got rid of unwanted things...
wash my clothes, wash my bedsheets..
think my mom would be really glad if i actually did all these at home..
hahaha..

well well..
the good news is...
i'll be having my first practical driving on thurs!!!!!!
ooh la la!!!!
so excited!!!! feel like doing the roundabout dance...u noe the one that u clapse ur hands together in a ring then start dancing by circling ur butt?? *jj think u noe wad it is...we did that when we won the table soccer game* hahaha

so excited...my day's pretty planned i think. not that bad for a start..
today: nua abit here n there...read all the driving books
tomorrow: go for driving theory practice...read tha practical book...start xmas preparation
thurs: go for driving practical...then theory evaluation...then meet jj n sihui to sing sing sing..lalala
fri: meet jj to attend the contact lens solution workshop training...go for jean's bday party..

hmm...wad bout sat?? anyone wanna jio me??
hahaha..

so excited about the driving.. *dancing*

hmm...or lalala..

exam completed today..
went for lunch with sze, yun, cui and alice..
it looks like a normal day.

went bbdc..they told me the book still not out yet..
efficiency not that high huh?
wasted trip going down.

ate don pie today..
was going to fly kite with wy...
in the end we made so much changes..
haa...we went ktv instead!
two person singing...kinda farnie.

did a horrible thing today..
we were suppose to take a train back to clementi kbox
we didn't realise we took the wrong one..the north line.
a lady was asking if this line was the right one to go bishan...and we were so blur we actually said NO. she had taken the wrong train and has already missed the interchange stop. it was until wy heard the word somerset then we realise we are the ones who were mistaken. let's hope she's not lost...feel quite bad lei..

so it was ktv at somerset instead clementi...
we went this open hawker stalls beside somerset mrt for dinner..
it was horrible!!!!
the stuffs were so expensive!
imagine the min price is 5 bucks and they tasted alright only..
so silly... total exploitation..
but it was quite bad that wy paid for it..
hahaha

alritey that's my day..
wierd day though...a little lost..haha
suddenly too much time to do everything
dunno which one to start first..
well...anomie again

True

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
I'ts time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak, it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

Dolphins are man's best friend too.

came across this article in straitstimes...very interesting..

Dolphins shield swimmers from shark in NZ
WELLINGTON - A pod of dolphins saved a group of swimmers from a predatory three-metre great white shark off the northern New Zealand coast, a newspaper reported on Tuesday.
The unusual incident occurred on Oct 30 when lifeguard Rob Howes took his 15-year-old daughter Niccy and two of her friends swimming near the town of Whangarei, The Northern Advocate said.
The dolphins, 'started to herd us up, they pushed all four of us together by doing tight circles around us', Mr Howes told the newspaper. When he tried to break away from the protective group, two of the bigger dolphins herded him back, he said.
He then spotted what he described as a three-metre great white shark cruising towards them, but the man-eater was apparently repelled by the ring of dolphins and swam away.
'It was only about two metres away from me, the water was crystal clear and it was as clear as the nose on my face,' he said.
Mr Howes realised what the dolphins were doing: 'They had corralled us up to protect us.'
Another lifeguard, Mr Matt Fleet, on patrol in a lifeboat, saw the dolphins circling the swimmers and slapping their tails on the water to keep them in place. He told the newspaper he also had a clear sighting of the shark.
'Some of the people later on the beach tried to tell me it was just another dolphin but I knew what I saw,' he said.
Ms Ingrid Visser, who has been studying marine mammals for 14 years, told the newspaper that there have been reports from around the world of dolphins protecting swimmers. She said that in this case the dolphins probably sensed the humans were in danger and took action to protect them. -- AP

psychology

having my second paper in like 90 mins time...went through one set of exam paper..
it is definitely enough to make you conclude that the text that you have been studying bounds up to nothing. NOTHING!

it's so damn difficult...wonder what am i studying for??? shall apply some of my knowledge...
the government in singapore hopes education would allow her ppl to learn....that, i would assume a learning goal....they failed to realise because the system is based on achievement...it becomes a performance goal...in the end thru moderation...we learn nothing!!!!

conclusion: university is a total waste of money! arggh! waste of resources (papers that are graded zero!) arggh...this is totally insane..
my mind is so saturated and the horrible thing is...saturation point is still not enough to get correct answers!! argh.

aniwaez as u can see...i'm perfectly fine ppl...except for the horrors associated with exams...and only exams!!!! i have absolutely NO TIME for PARANOIA and DEPRESSION! arggh...failing failing...i am typing incohesively...a very vital trait of schizophrenia...disorganized schizophrenia...one thing i learn in psy too...any other stuff?? hmm...major depressive disorder...hmm...we are now undergoing seasonal affective disorder....to assimilate my schema...would be to say that this season = exams season...gross...so many psy terms...i m really going bonkers!

absolute threshold: the minimun effort needed to feel a stimuli = one past year paper 90 mins b4 the exam is sufficient a stimuli to make u feel worthless.

arggh!

god help me.

That's all

I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own,
For you and you alone.
That's all,That's all.

I can only give you country walks in springtime,
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall,
And a love whose burning light,
Will warm the winter night.
That's all,That's all.

There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love time can never destroy.

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore,
For now and evermore.
That's all,That's all.

a scripture a day to guide your way =)

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never wil I leave you; never will I forsake you."
So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
-Hebrews 13: 5-6

Though all around is darkness,
Earthly joys have flown;
My Savior whispers His promise
Never to leave me alone.

::No matter where you go, God goes with you::

Exams stress

what will exams stress do to ppl??
hmm...in wierd way i'm not getting that stress yet...but i guess many are..
oh no!!! is this ooz of nonchalance also a symptom of exam stress? a desire to cast off everything and just do what i have to do instead of doing it efficiently to achieve what i ought to? confused? yeah...me too..

went to study room early this morn...whole place was 'oh so man' crowded. it was like onli ten o clock. guess wad...saw yun's friend and she offered me a seat...and she was there since 7!!! gross...

there i was trying to concentrate after lunch...until i saw an amazing sight! i've heard about ppl being very 'lak seh' during exams times...but seriously...i didn't quite expect THIS beyond the usual wake up attire, meshed up hairstyles and sleeping face marks! this girl was right in front of me.....digging her nose. yeah...laying tracks on the mrt!! rolling the dirt n flicking it away!!! seriously i would have made sure my window blind was down b4 i did that in my room...haa.. i guess she juz tot no one was looking...looking studious doesn't imply real studying...alrite...i'm talking abt me..

next! peeping tom!!! gross...can u imagine that? one got caught in okr and the next starts its prowl at EA. he was seen looking really stressed up! oh man...looking at boobs make u less stress?? hmm...maybe more blood flows south n the brain gets less activity therefore less stress levels??? hmm...somebody please test the hypothesis!!! gross..would have totally freaked out if it was me!!! i would be rather conscious seriously...wad if he sees and turns away? dat would be so sad! haa

guess wad? i think the exams stress is too great? two silly animals actually locked themselves IN. locked IN. very oxymoronic right? apparently, the two RAs above me actually jammed the latch right in! now that's some news to cause a hoo ha...RAs destroying school property! way to go man! wad a good way to rebel OSA!! haha...u guys are better than eunice!!!!! =P

alritey...so wad's with the exam stress?? i'm still feeling nothing. gross.. but i think my appetite is starting to increase and my legs can't seem to start the running pace...which is the reason y i'm sitting more than usual. but wait...isn't tat because i studied too much?? haa..good n bad in both sense ya? hai...i think this sem is gonna flung man...

Damned!

What should I do? How Should I react? Do I have to keep smiling? Or show the anger that manifests? Do I know how to love? Should I continue? Do I know what I want? Do I know what anybody wants? What is wrong? Everything is wrong? Am I making myself crazy? Am i stupid or what? Am I silly? So many facts. So many things done. How can this kinda thing happen? Can I be forgiving enough? Will we be the same? Will it happen again? Can i die?

Please stop!

stop everything!!! just stop everything!
i don't wanna go out. i don't wanna talk.
stop asking me to eat. stop asking me out. stop making me tok. stop touching me. stop saying hi. stop buying me food. stop buying me things. stop giving me money. stop smiling at me. stop trying. stop trying to do everything. i don't want anything. let me be alone! i want to be alone! i want to stay alone! i just want to be in my room. don't do anything. please stop. just stop. don't hug me. don't hold me. don't ask me anything. don't contact me. stop having to do anything with me. i just want everything to stop. everybody please stop. i want to be alone. stop obliging. stop agreeing. stop everything. stop trying to smile when u don't want to. stop lying. stop behaving like a clown. i feel like the clown. stop all the stupid lies. stop the care. stop the concern. i hate it.
pretend i don't exist. pretend i'm not around. pretend there's no such person. pretend i'm non-existent. pretend i don't stay in sch. pretend i'm uncontactable. pretend i'm dead.
i want to sleep. i miss sleeping. why can't i sleep? i want the thoughts to stop. i want everything to stop. i want to rest. i'm very tired. i don't want to smile. i don't want to act like a clown. i don't want to be a burden. i don't want to laugh. i don't want to cry. i don't want to frown. i just want to be alone. please please leave me alone. everyone. no-one. anybody.

Disappointments!

Gross....one resident sent me a mail titled disappointment!
can u imagine that? I should be the one to tell them that.

What good are reminder notices and emails when ppl simply don't heed them? What good are well-educated varsity students who don't even spare a thought for others around them? Seriously what have we achieved from education except probably an increase in knowledge?? What about an upgrade in morals? I think this is the failure of education. Oh man... Study until so smart for wad? Heart still as black.

Imagine residents who simply refuse to use the filter when they wash the dishes. Imagine the clogs every once in a few days. Imagine residents who used the filter but refuse to empty it. Imagine residents who leave unwash dishes in the cupboards. Imagine residents who uses other ppl's stuffs without asking. Imagine residents who spills foodstuffs in the pantry and refuse to clean them up. What is this place?? A hotel or a hostel?? U think there are cleaners here round the clock?? U think Auntie Anna and Uncle Simon are responsible to clean the shit after u??? Oh man...u think u pay enough for them to do such shitty work???

Why can't ppl juz spare a thought for one another? Why can't ppl juz live life normal? Why can't ppl juz treat hostel as ur own home?? Do u mess up your home lidat? Gross. Humans are really selfish. Whatever happen to the fairy tale world we were brought up to believe in? Evil ppl gets their just desserts, but it doesn't happen in the real world! I hate this man.

Sometimes i really wish ppl would live in harmony. That would mean no wars right? Isn't that great? But simple things like this cannot be achieve how could one think of greater aims? Gross.
Where have our basic human nature gone to? What about consideration for others? Love your neighbour as yourself? Isn't that one of the commandments?

Sometimes I wish the residents could juz read this. Let them know how much inconveniences they are causing. Nothing can be done if they do not at least be considerate. How can I make them understand that? Seriously I'm not sure the answer myself.

I know who holds tomorrow =)

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
And I don't borrow from the sunshine
'Cause the skies might turn to grey.

And I don't worry about the future,
'Cause I know what Jesus said,
And today I'm gonna walk right beside him
'Cause he's the one who knows what is ahead.

There are things about tomorrow
That I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

And each step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb.
And every burden is getting lighter
And all the clouds, their silver line.

And, I'll bet the sun it's always shining
And no tears will ever dim the eye
And the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains, they touch the sky.