And....Pop!

Almost 2 weeks have passed since my last post. And I KNOW I endeavored to update the status of Eli once he popped. Blame it on my complacency/naivety/ignorance, updating on this blog is really the last thing on my mind when he popped. The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of experiences. Parenthood is crazy! I've simply no words to describe, but I'm glad I survived these 2 weeks. It's like Leadership Program all over again, baby edition, and for the rest of my life...

Our little rascal greeted the world at 1844 hrs on 26 October 2012, weighing 3.095kg at 50cm height, after a grueling 17 hrs in the hospital. I'm not sure how long I was in actual labor. The beginning was painless, and I was told I'm contracting. The last few hours were total agony. Was adamant to taking epidural, but in the end was rather thankful I took it. I wouldn't know how I could withstand the pain and still force myself to push Eli out, with the unfortunate turn of events. His heartbeat seemed to be dropping with every contraction. Worse was when the heartbeat fell to 60 right in the middle of delivery. I was absolutely livid and exasperated. Goodness knows how much I cried in that 17 hours. I must say it was traumatic. Eli was induced mainly because the water level was low, and his head was resting really low. It was until he came out when we realized the umbilical cord was laced around his neck. Thank God we agreed to induce Eli, if not I don't believe I would ever see him again if I waited for a few more days.

I do believe I went into motherhood unprepared, as much as I tried to prepare myself in the months prior to delivery. Imagine my shock when I realized the amount of pain I have to go through after delivery. The healing in the perineum, vagina, rectum... not forgetting the abdominal pain and scars (stretch marks) of my battle to bring the little guy into this world. I can't believe I didn't foresee the recuperation would take so long and be so difficult. But somehow seeing WY so happy every time he sees Eli makes the whole experience really worth it. I might not be the most patient, loving mother, but I'm glad Eli has a dad who seemed to have the best makes. Lucky him, lucky me. =)

Really wanted to dedicate this post to my lovely husband WY, who has unrelentingly been very encouraging throughout the pregnancy, and even up till now. I saw his helplessness as I fought the pain during labor, and I know it wasn't easy. It's worse to see someone you love suffer and unable to do a thing to ease the suffering. And for that, I'm thankful I'm not the one going through it.

At my request, WY got me a nice surprise when he was out getting the birth certification for Eli yesterday. I was expecting something small, like food to cheer me up, since I'm cooped up at home for the entire month. However, what was presented really brought tears to my eyes. I'm not too sure how to describe what I felt, but when I saw the gift, I just teared. And till now, I'm not sure the reason why I teared. Somehow the gift got me a very simple realization, how thankful that I have someone like WY to go through parenthood with.

Here are the surprises:

And amazingly, my darling husband teared when he saw me receiving the gifts. I really want him to know that I feel the same way about him too. I really thank God for having him with me. And because I have him, I have no regrets bringing Eli into the world, and because of him, I'll try my best to be the best mother, to partner him in this parenthood journey. I'm excited, because I know the upcoming parenting experiences will be hard, but I know with WY, there'll definitely be joyful moments, which makes everything so complete.

Blueberry, oh blueberry!

So who or what is Blueberry?

I haven't been blogging in ages, and to think my first blog after months of absence would be to update that I would be delivering my first born very soon! I don't believe I even updated on finding out I was pregnant in the first place. Hah!

Blueberry was the nickname given because we were trying to relate to the bugger in the womb, and we had no idea if it was to be a darling boy or girl. We reckoned that Blueberry (BB for short) is a fruit which packs the punch (full of antioxidants), pretty neutral in gender, and cute and round like how we want our kid to be. Henceforth, we called out IT Blueberry, only to be confirmed he was later to be acknowledged as Mr BB, and now finally, after months of deliberation, we've somehow decided (through earthly and heavenly omens, messages, voices, movie and preaches mainly), that our darling boy is to be named Eli. :)

So here I am, on a Thurs morn, almost 2 weeks into my maternity leave (oh yes, I've started working since April-May period), and wondering when the little one wants to start popping. To be honest, I'm a little bored and apprehensive at the same time. This year has been a fast and slow year at the same time. I'm amazed I'm going to be a mother, when I was told earlier this year that this role would somehow not be achievable in the short term. Next thing I know, it's wham-bam (maybe I'm referring to the process) and a bun in my oven. Somehow, the last trimester seemed so long as I wait for the impending arrival of the baby. Fast and slow at the same time. How ironic.

We've got our stuff pretty much prepared. I haven't been exactly over-enthusiastic about the whole baby-coming because of work, so no crazy buying (I did buy, but not so crazy...because I have a very practical/objective/frugal hubby who somehow tames my shopping behavior), or spending time on his nursery (it's currently just a spare room with some baby stores I must say, nothing fancy). That's not because I'm not excited about his arrival, I just can't get my creative juice to move without having an idea what he looks like! I'm secretly hoping he looks like WY, so that I can have a mini him to play with. Playing with a mini Me seems rather boring. I can't event think of what to do on my own at times. Hah.

I've endeavor to post the joys (or challenges) and pics of Eli on a daily basis for the first month. Mainly because I'm curious to see his transformation too. Will be posting pictures soon!

Visiting my ob/gyn later, shall see if the little guy is ready to meet the world! And yes, I'm in my 39th week! Come to think of it, that last sentence could pretty much update my status during my missing months!

Isn't it strange?

A little poem from church today:

Isn't It Strange?

Isn't it strange, that princes and kings, 
and clowns that caper in sawdust rings,
and common-folk like you and me, 
are builders for eternity?

 

To each is given a bag of tools,

a shapeless mass and a Book of Rules;

and each must make 'ere time has flown,

a stumbling block or a stepping stone.

-- R.L. Sharpe, "A bag of tools," circa 1809

Few takeaways: 

A) True disciples are marked not merely by their steadfastness, but by the responsibility with which they guard others from stumbling. 

B) True disciples at not marked merely by their righteousness, but by the magnanimity with which they forgive unrighteousness. 

C) True disciples are marked not merely by their service, but by the humility with which they serve. 

Daily Bread - 8 March 2012

In our life of faith, our resources can become the enemy of trust. God wants us to depend on Him, not our own strength, whether physical, financial, or intellectual.

When the Lord reduces our resources from “32,000 to 300,” it is not punishment. It is preparation for Him to be glorified through our lives as we acknowledge and trust His power.

10 Lessons from Jeremy Lin

Saw this article recently, and am really inspired by the phenomenal Jimmy Lin. A quote struck me hard from the article, thought I really have to blog it down.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." Judy Garland

Here's the article, by Eric Jackson on Forbes.com. Nice piece of writing I must say!

Just Lin, Baby! 10 Lessons Jeremy Lin Can Teach Us Before We Go To Work Monday Morning

Lin-sanity has swept up the NBA over the last week.  Now it seems like the phenomenon has gone worldwide.

Friday’s 38 point performance by Harvard grad Jeremy Lin for the New York Knicks against the LA Lakers was his greatest performance yet as a starter, since he burst on to the scene and propelled the team to 4 straight wins.

Lin now has over 200,000 followers on Twitter.  He’s got over 800,000 on Weibo – including 200,000 new ones in the 24 hour period after beating the Lakers.

But there’s more to this story than basketball.  This isn’t just a modern-day, real-life version of the Hoosiers movie.  The Jeremy Lin story is incredibly popular because we can all see a little bit of ourselves in this man’s struggles and now successes.

What can all of us learn from this young man — and how can we apply these same lessons to our own lives when we go back to work on Monday morning?

1. Believe in yourself when no one else does. Lin’s only the 4th graduate from Harvard to make it to the NBA.  He’s also one of only a handful of Asian-Americans to make it. He was sent by the Knicks to play for their D-League team 3 weeks ago in Erie, PA.  He’d already been cut by two other NBA teams before joining the Knicks this year.  You’ve got to believe in yourself, even when no one else does.

2. Seize the opportunity when it comes up. Lin got to start for the Knicks because they had to start him.  They had too many injuries.  Baron Davis was gone.  The other point guards were out.  Carmelo Anthony was injured.  Amare Stoudemire had to leave the team because of a family death.  Lin could have squandered the opportunity and we would have never have noticed.  But he made the most of it.  You never know when opportunities are going to arise in life.  Often, they’re when you least expect them.  Make the most of them. Don’t fritter them away.

3. Your family will always be there for you, so be there for them. It wasn’t until a few days ago that Lin got his contract guaranteed by the Knicks for the rest of the season.  Before that, he could have been cut at any time.  He had to sleep on his brother’s couch on the Lower East Side to get by.  His family always believed in him and picked him up when he could have gotten down on himself.  That made him continue to believe.  If you want your family to believe in you like that, you’ve got to be there for them too when they need it.

4. Find the system that works for your style. Lin isn’t Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant.  He’s not a pure scorer.  He’s a passer and distributor – who can also score very well.  It didn’t work for him in Golden State or Houston – where he was before landing at the Knicks.  But Mike D’Antoni’s system at the Knicks has been perfect for him to show off his strengths.  You’ve got to do your best to understand what your strengths are and then ensure that you’re in a system (a job or organization or industry) that is a good fit for those strengths.  Otherwise, people overlook the talents you bring to the table.

5. Don’t overlook talent that might exist around you today on your team. You probably manage people at your own company today.  Are you sure you don’t have a Jeremy Lin living among you now?  How do you know that “Mike” couldn’t do amazing things if you gave him a new project to run with?  How do you know “Sarah” isn’t the right person to take the open job in London that you’ve been talking over with your colleagues?  We put people around us in boxes.  He’s from Harvard.  He’s Asian-American.  Not sure he can play.  How many assumptions have you made about talent around you?  Don’t be like the General Managers in Golden State and Houston, and let talent slip through your fingers.  With all their money, scouts, and testing, they didn’t have a clue what they had in their hands.  Do you know what your people (or even yourself) is really capable of?  Take off the blinders of assumptions you wear when you look at the world.

6. People will love you for being an original, not trying to be someone else. You’ve got to be you.  You can’t be some 2nd rate copy of Michael Jordan.  There will never be another Michael Jordan.  Just be Jeremy Lin — yourself.  Whatever that is.  That doesn’t mean you don’t work hard — it just means you find what you’re good at and do it.  Fans will love you for being you, just like they love Jeremy Lin.  Judy Garland said it best:

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

7. Stay humble. If you one day are lucky enough to have newspapers want to put you on the cover in order to sell more, don’t let it get to your head.  It’s been remarkable watching how humble Lin remains through all this media frenzy.  It makes his teammates and fans love him that much more.

8. When you make others around you look good, they will love you forever. I didn’t know how good Tyson Chandler was, until I saw him playing with Jeremy Lin.  Lin has set Chandler up many times over the last week for easy dunks because he drew the defense and then passed the ball.  That’s partly why the Knicks are playing so well.  They are all working harder to share the ball with others.  And it’s beautiful to watch.  And when the media swarms Lin, he tells them how good his teammates are.  Do the same with your peers and reports.

9. Never forget about the importance of luck or fate in life. Some people believe in God, some in destiny, some in luck.  Whatever you believe in, be grateful for it.

10. Work your butt off. Lin couldn’t have seized his opportunity if he hadn’t worked like crazy for years perfecting his skills.  There are no short cuts to hard work.  Success is a by product of that.  If you’ve got a Tiger Mom who’s always pushed you to work hard, great.  If not, let your conscience be your own Tiger Mom!  Get up early, stay up late.  Nobody gave Lin any free passes. Why should you get any?  You can only control what you control and that means you’ve got to work harder than anyone else you know.

I hope the Lin-sanity continues.  And I hope we all can apply these lessons to our own work and family life.

There’s a great line from a New York Times article on Lin and his faith which is worth it for all of us to remember (from Romans 5:3-5):

suffering produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us.

The invisible pot of gold

Just went through an interview, and found myself totally maxed out from the one plus hour session of questioning and answering.

Felt I put up a good performance for the entire session. I say performance because I felt I could only sugar coat my replies in a manner understood and accepted by my interviewers. This performance was much more difficult than expected, because I was defending a battle that was already biased at the beginning. Both parties were looking at the situation with different perspectives, understanding and level of acceptance. Rest assure, that I was often graceful and tactful in my replies. And I'm glad I was able to do that.

Truth be told, I came across as a candidate of contradiction. Some aspects which they loved and some which they couldn't comprehend. And the incomprehension led to an immediate dislike, even when they have never experienced the good or the bad side of it. Simply because they heard stories of this unknown.

I found myself listening to their theories of what an entrepreneur should be like - with their risk taking attitudes, impulsive decisions, not taking orders or ideas from others - basically traits which they felt unfit for the role. A silent thought kept creeping up on me. "Are you an entrepreneur too?". They are not exactly wrong, some entrepreneurs could be like this. But that's because it's their business. If it's other people's business, I'm sure they cannot care less. It's all a matter of context.

Needless to say, they were rather concerned with my experiences as an entrepreneur, because they felt my entrepreneurial aspect would not be a good fit on the corporate administrative role. The assumption was because if I'm an entrepreneur, I should be all the traits they've mentioned. Should they read E-Myth revisited by Michael E Gerber, they should know that behind every business person, is a human with a basis of administrative work - the basic worker/manager. The entrepreneurial aspect is the basis of foresight and ideas. They work hand in hand.

In a way, I was badgered because I was different. The differences between my two varying skill sets in the corporate and entrepreneurial aspects stuck out like a sore thumb. These skill sets gave me a balance of skills, taught me experiences to deal with people of different natures, gave me varying perspectives to come out with more solutions to a problem, and allowed me to have greater foresight in my planning and decision making process due to the enlarged area of knowledge.

To me, they were always a good thing. But at the interview panel, it now seem like my Achilles heel, signaling a red light, alarming the people I need to please, that the additional and differing skill set could potentially prevent a conformation to their culture, to the work. That I might be a challenger of systems, a restless individual who hates mundanity. In essence, the horrifying animal of Generation Y.

Perhaps it's the stereotyped they have on entrepreneurs, which I reckoned they have never been, or of seeing unique individuals such as myself with contradictions they have never come across. I was perceived as an individual threading on thin ice between a person they would like to hire, and a person they are trying to avoid.

Do I see myself different from them then? Yes and no. Yes, because I'm certain at some point of their lives, they would have thought about their dreams, just like I did. Whether to go after it, or live without pursuing it. They would also have the little something which was unfulfilled, and always contributing to that silent "what if" at the back of our minds.

Yet, we are different because as a Gen Y, I took sometime to find out the pot of gold at the other end of the rainbow, and I learnt precious knowledge in the midst of the journey. Knowledge which would now be difficult to explain or describe to the others.

To them, they only saw a search which mounted up to nothing. They saw nothing but a detour of one's journey, which could otherwise have been avoided if we heeded their advice. But truth is, because they didn't experience this detour, they will never understand that the pot of gold was never really a pot of real material physical gold. There might be nothing at the end of it. But there's always something on the way to it.

To me, my pot of gold is the new life perspective which I can now have, on top of what I've already known in my 28 years. My 2-year gap, which seemed like a detour to many, became the best learning journey of my life. My pot of gold was much more than I've expected. It's a pity that this gold is my currency in my world, and will not be the common currency until the rest can see the value of it. Until they realise the true value of my currency, I'll always be masked as a Gen Y, restless and inconsistent, misunderstood by the eyes who fail to see the pot of gold right under their noses.

I crave to see how my pot of gold looks like to different individuals. It might not work with the interviewers, but I'm sure there are others who appreciate it as much as I do. Few, I might say for now, but more to come, I must add.

The interviewers asked how I see myself in 5 years time. By that time, I would have really hoped this pot of gold would have been grown into a larger pot, in a currency which many could use and see. But only if you let me be.

Zee

Wickedly Spectacular

And yes, I'm talking about Wicked! The musical that is, if you haven't heard, the musical is now playing at Marina Bay Sands. Can't wait to see what's coming after Wicked.

The musical is officially my favorite musical of all time! And of course, the song of the day would be "Defying Gravity". The lyrics spoke a lot about my journey thus far, and I could really relate to it. Here's what spoke to me. Haha.

Something has changed within meSomething is not the sameI'm through with playing by the rulesOf someone else's gameToo late for second-guessingToo late to go back to sleepIt's time to trust my instinctsClose my eyes: and leap!
It's time to tryDefying gravityI think I'll tryDefying gravityAnd you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find meLook to the western sky!As someone told me lately:"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"And if I'm flying soloAt least I'm flying freeTo those who'd ground meTake a message back from meTell them how I amDefying gravityI'm flying highDefying gravityAnd soon I'll match them in renownAnd nobody in all of OzNo Wizard that there is or wasIs ever gonna bring me down!

Speak up

Note to self: speak out before it becomes too late.

Doesn't matter for the little adjustment if it does not cost them anything but cost you more.

I'm ready!

Had a long coaching/conversation with dear Meeiting today. Wanted to pen down some thoughts before I completely forget the awesome experience of realizing some hard (but enlightening) truths. Thanks to Meeiting for the time and efforts. I felt I finally got some place to start the engine rolling!

It's been sometime since I intended for anything. She reminded me that when intention seems to cease, it's always good to start intending from smaller things. And amazingly, the trains waited for me today as I hopped on it, I reached my appointment on time (through public transport!), had a lunch date with Meeiting out of the blue in the spare hours I have, hoped onto my intended bus within 5 mins (what I wanted too!), and got a seat in the oh-so-crowded bus! All starts with a little intention! If intention is about getting things your way, I sure am putting my talents to good use. Talking about talents meeting needs, I'm sure I am finding a purpose through intention!

Regarding last year, the only word that came to my mine was "cope". I was coping with many things, and most importantly, I was really coping with marriage life. Instead of taking baby steps into creating a new stage in the relationship, I'm basing my knowledge of the new stage based on experiences from the dating stage. This has not helped me at all, and I'm coping at a whole new level in a sudden grandeur when I should have taken baby steps instead! Hence, this year would be a year of exploration of my relationship with Wenyao, taking baby steps to find out who he is for what he is, and from there, find out what I can be as a wife, confidante and best friend. It's taking baby steps, and hopefully a baby too in the midst! ;) (just maybe!)

I realized instead of feeling worried and about getting ready for my third world, I'm actually rather ready for the third world. (That's a shock!) And it has been sometime since I'm ready. Since October to be exact. I've wanted so eagerly to start on a new journey after all the leanings I had in the last 2 years, but apparently, because things didn't turn out as fast as I wanted to, I became bored in the process. And that caused the lethargy and the disappointments from all the vexing wait. It's not that I'm not ready, but I am! Just waiting for a corporation or a kind soul to utilize my needs! I need to find a purpose for my talents! Haha, and I can't seem to find it yet. But I do hope I can soon! Perhaps this new attitude might bring new journeys and experiences, and I would be putting my good talents of intention into good use this time.

I'm ready world! Are you?!

Zee

Task-oriented

When the days get dreary,
And nights get lazy,
A task list of unending chores,
Get those limbs moving.

2011-2012

Thought I had better pen down my thoughts for 2011 before 2012 catches up too fast. 2011 had been an extremely fast year. I couldn't even remember the exact events of what went through the entire year. To be honest, it had been quite a year for me. Not a very positive year as all the other years I've had, but somehow I felt 2011 had been a really hard year for me.

It's hard but not all negative. Let's just put it that the year yesterday had been a year of hard truths and hard learnings. A year where happiness was rather short lived, and periods of agony were most frequent. A year where I learnt the most, through the hard way, the independent way. It had been an emotional roller coaster ride, where dips were most frequent, where I often felt the hollowness and emptiness of life's journey. I have to acknowledge that it had been a year of failures, but a year of huge knowledge gathering. There were achievements definitely, but somehow these achievements were rushed and done in a matter-of-fact manner, and the mistakes caught up too fast to make one feel pleased at what have been attained. It was a rushed year, it was a hard year, and it was a significant year. A year where I would never want to have repeated, but definitely have to go through one way or another. It's an inevitable year for the journey I chose. I don't love it, but I appreciate it.

Still, I have to still acknowledge some of the things I did in the yesteryear. Saw my loosely written bucket list on the wall, and went through it. I must really acknowledge that I did put some efforts into making this year worthwhile. So here it goes...

1) Went white water rafting - with Emma in Bali
2) Experienced Hash in Bali as well - thanks to Emma's dad, was a truly amazing and worrisome experience! Hah.
3) Started a fashion business...finally
4) Set up my own online shopping site
5) Learnt the knowledge of photoshop & illustrator (I must say I still need to learn on the latter)
6) Started my own collection, with my own designs!
7) Started designing menswear (and I'm actually lovin' it!)
8) Finally went on a trip with Wenyao! (It's not a big trip but at least I didn't shortchange myself in the trip!)
9) Went on a self-drive malacca trip with Wenyao (will definitely do it again!)
10) Finally cooked a soup that Wenyao loves
11) Completed reading Atlas Shrugged (!!!)
12) Ran 2 races this year and ran my first 21KM in good enough timing!
13) Ran with Wenyao for the first time!
14) Created the collection launch with all my efforts!
15) Created a better relationship with my dear brother
16) Read my first business related book..hahaha.. E-Myth by Michael E Berger, highly recommended
17) Read my first diet book...haha..also not bad. Don't read those books previously
18) Started swimming as a habit again
19) Had my very own fashion show!
20) Made my first sale online where I really felt it was 100% earned. Hah.

So with all the endings in place (I'm not a great lover of all things ending...), I'm rather excited about the coming year. Yes, I do have plans and I really hope they can be in place. Meeiting was mentioning that there would be a theme for this year, and I felt this year could probably be a year of creativity, of really thinking out of the box, trying the things that I really want. So here's a few of what I have in mind. I think this time I should set them as resolutions, because coming from a year without one, it's really starting to prove that a "resoluted" year would be a much better one.

So here it goes!
1) Achieve a certification in horse riding
2) Return back to the corporate career
3) Continue the fashion business in another direction if possible
4) Finally go on my honeymoon in Europe
5) Climb Mount Fuji
6) Continue learning the Japanese language
7) Join more races with Wenyao
8) Learn fashion drafting (coming up in January! Finally!)
9) Try casino gambling
10) Grow long hair and have it permed (I'm already grimacing at this!)
11) Maintain a healthier lifestyle, hopefully lose some KGs in the midst!
12) Clear up the extra room before CNY (major clutter!)
13) Take part in a fashion contest!

2012 will also be a year of questioning and learning, of questioning what's outside the box, or rather philosophically (I'm reading Sophie's World now). Thought it might be useful in the out-of-the-box-out-of-the-world context. I'm hoping 2012 will be a year of realizations, of consciousness, of being present to my journey. It would be a year of understanding the self, and others, and bridging relationships, and of course, opening up the entire world of what world is to me right now.

To 2012 - a new found world. =)

Cohort problem

We may earn more but we don't spend less. And that is just one of the basis behind cohort problem. Or in layman terms, generation gap.

Sometimes

Sometimes I don't know what's more triggering. The fact that you're not feeling your best and you know you are trying to avoid it. Or the fact that you are already not feeling your best and the people around you just try to push it.

Running

"A city of runners", that's the thought that came to me as I ran the Standard Chartered Half Marathon almost a week ago. This is a delayed post, because the reflections seemed to be delayed too. I'm not getting much from the 21KM run. I'm now still a little stumped, stuck, emotionless about the run. Just as I felt after the run. I didn't feel like that in my previous 10KM runs, but I felt like this with 21KM. Goodness knows what I might be thinking after a full marathon. Truth be told, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be thinking much, the pain of the gruelling 42KM would have overrode my intellect.

It's amazing to see so many people running the distance. What's their reason to run? I'm not sure. But somehow this whole running adventure, from the moment when the horn sounded at 630am sharp, to the point when the dead tired feet sweep across the finishing line, just didn't seem to be a physical activity only.

I ran, like everybody else. Always running for something, to somewhere, but not too sure where. This city of runners, a city where I used to be part of that human race, of which I'm constantly trying to get out. It's not easy, not when everyone in the whole city are runners. It's suffocating to walk or stop without getting hit at points you hate. The runners may jab and mock you unknowingly. Sometimes knowingly. The crux here is to embrace comfort in the hits. Until you find a not so popular race opening itself to you. Then you realised the race which majority ran is not the only race you know. It's when you realized you are a runner once again, running a race, that's not too much like the usual running, or the usual race.

Once the horn sounded, I move. I continued to jog on the spot even when the mob of runners came to a halt at a junction leading to Tanjong Beach. I became remotely aware that I'm a runner at heart. (If you know me, you know I'm not referring to physical running.) I just like to move, to move ahead of everyone else, no matter how small my steps may be. As long as I'm moving, I'm making progress. Of course, at this point, I'm not making any progress in distance. But I'm making progress in endurance, the unwillingness to stop even when circumstances halt. Endurance is a good word. The flip side, is obstinance. The inability to relent for god knows what reason. In my world, it only goes to show that I hate stopping. Not even willing to take a rest. I'm automated to move, and I want it that way, but does not necessarily means I like it. I'd love a rest but I'm too scared to rest. Perhaps an inward need. But not to worry, I am changing.

I often have this fear of lagging behind others. Looking at my friends now, I realised I'm late and early at the same time. Different perspectives. Wenyao was running alongside me most of the time. For the first time, we ran together. An activity which I've always preferred alone. Most of the times he was faster, but I always knew where he would be if I finally caught up with him. Which I eventually did. I did lag behind, but I caught up, in my own pace and my own time.

I didn't have a reason to run. Or perhaps an inspiring reason to run. I wanted to run just because. Just because I didn't run a half marathon before. Perhaps I just wanted a fulfilling 3 hour on a Sunday morning. Or perhaps I just wanted to complete a journey I didn't think much of. Or maybe I'm just running because everybody else seems to be doing it, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't one who lacked the experience when it becomes a table topic. Kiasu, you say. I'm sure I am. I'm a Singaporean. And damn proud of it.

I probably can't remember what I experienced in the run. Maybe I wasn't present to what was happening within. Or maybe my brain was just fried from the running. Nonetheless, I've still earned great lessons without remembering the true experience.

1)  The walk to the destination is worse than the run - Yes, I'm talking about the pain once you stop running.
2) There's always a loved one out there who's running ahead of you, but waiting for you to catch up.
3) Not everyone is running to a destination they want to reach
4) Not everyone knows what's the destination to reach
5) As Confucius say: The journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step, and an add-on from me: Which journey of a thousand miles would you want to start with that single step?

Oxymoron

Am I early,
Because I lagged?
Or have I lagged behind,
Because I found out early?

Colder

In a span of 2 years, I somehow feel the world has gone a little colder.

Parallel Universe

I'm thinking maybe in my parallel universe, I'm still 14. I wonder what big changes I will make with that small little step.

那些年。。。

Caught the movie 那些年我们一起追的女孩, got a little overwhelmed by the entire movie. I guess it speaks differently to different people. To me, it's a really depressing show, even after knowing logically that it's a story with 2 endings. It's a show I hate, but will hate even more if I ever forget.

I think I lost something in my youth. Maybe a sense of playfulness, naivety, or childish behavior? Or simply the know-how to love, to embrace life, to really smile without controlling, to be, to just be. Someone once said I never give in full, and that I always keep a part of me back, to my world. Makes me realize my world isn't complete. Because somewhere, somehow, this world doesn't have the whole of me inside. It has everyone, except me. And the ironic part is, it's my world.

Not too sure why I'm speaking in tongues, but I cannot quite get why I'm saying all these in the first place. I'm getting emotional looking back at my past entries. Maybe I'm reflective, maybe I'm being nostalgic over the past. Or maybe I'm just starting to realize what I'm missing out in life, missing out because I kept a part of me to myself. Missing out because I was afraid of getting hurt, of being disappointed, of being left alone, abandoned. I'm a train that has lost its engines and I hate that analogy. Moving as it should, and I don't know who is my train master. What have I missed? I don't know if I can ever find it back. Question is, what is  this it?

All I know is I stopped somewhere, and I'm trying to start again from where I stopped. And I feel like I'm pleading for someone to give me the answers to what is happening now. But somehow only silence replied me. Silence is deafening and quiet all at the same time. They are speaking, lips moving and twitching, but no sounds could be heard. Or rather sounds that don't make sense. When did I become crippled? I have a hearing disability, or maybe I'm just disabled - with the inability to feel, to emote, to understand the condition my body is repulsing and embracing all at the same time.

I read that I was tired. I was tired once, am I tired again? What am I tired about? It's these emotions that I can't quite grasp. What was lost? I really wish I knew.

Here's a link to the song of the movie, hard and meaningful lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQTfE1W5GGg&feature=related

I'm really glad a movie like this came out. But this gladness, it's not a positive gladness I must say．

At least not yet.

The funny downside of teaching

Nope, I'm not a teacher, just a hobbyist who loves nurturing kids to the best of my ability. A teacher has too many negative connotations to make me want to be one. I somehow believe teachers should be renamed to nurturers to show that humane, nurturing (of-course) side of them.

Here's what I confiscated in class the other day. I'm officially a scary teacher. Funny what kids do to shift their attention from things they don't like. I wouldn't even make this a conversation. Hah.

Why I can't compete

I have no answer to that seriously, but I just fear competition. I work best through alienation, which means you put me in a corner and I just put in my best. Working WITH people to determine who's the best always jeopardize my position. Not too sure if it's the stress, but probably I thought I lost even before the race/competition starts.

Came across this little read today.

We're all running a race. 

But it isn't what you might imagine.

We don't have the same starting line.

The same distance to go. 

The same steps to take. 

Our finish lines are even in different places.

You see, my friend, we're not running on a track--

we're each running on a one-lane path.

In the Kingdom, there's no such thing as competition.

It's impossible.

Because no one else ever has or ever will run your race.

So go for it, my friend, be strong, brave, beautiful YOU all the way to the end. 

{Psst, here's a secret: You've already won.}

Funny how the phrases in blue spoke to me.

I just came back from a Cranberries concert. Few things that got me today:

1) Why would such a cool band call themselves "cranberries"?

2) The moment I said I was going to a cranberries concert, I somehow divulged my age
3) Dolores O'Riordan is 40 this year!
4) I actually remembered most of the songs from their album "No need to argue"
5) It is a MUST to stand up and jive to the music at a concert, sitting will just put you in an awkward position while you jive, it's like a half-fucked grooving.


Next up! Paramore concert. WY's favourite! It'll be a standing "seat"!